11, 3:11 PM EST
Canadians Name Bush Honorary Cop
by Brent "The Duke"
ONTARIO -- Citing his success in
capturing fugitives and criminals, the Royal Canadian Mounted
Police today named George W. Bush an honorary deputy commissioner
of the law enforcement agency because "he always gets his
"Bush exemplifies what's so great
about the Mounted Police," RCMP Commissioner Giuliano Zaccardelli
declared. "He always gets his man. Just like us!"
"Well, I'm just honorificated by our
friendly Canadimericans, you bet," Bush said.
"I gotta say, though, I thought I
deserved this when I got my man Bin Laden a couple years back,"
Osama bin Laden confirmed Bush's tenacity.
"He never give up, bin Bush -- he
get me in his sight, he say he want me dead or alive and BAM!
I be here in Guantanamo," bin Laden said, chuckling sadly
from his cell.
"Bush do what he say he do, Allah
willing," he added.
Mounted Policeman Long Before
Canadians have called upon the RCMP to award the American commander
in chief with honorary status for months.
"Yessir, I'm right proud to call Bush
an honorary constable, eh?" declare Milton Brule of Wackiwachoon,
"Especially when he caught that there
Saddam Hussein escaping into Syria. 'That man's a regular bloodhound,'
I said to myself."
Despite Bush's track record, RCMP officials
held off bestowing the honor upon him for fear of appearing to
"suck up" to the United States. But when Bush found
weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, they couldn't hold back
"Look, the man said there were thousands
and thousands of biological and chemical WMDs in Iraq, and no
one believed him," Commissioner Zaccardelli said.
"Then Bush went into Iraq and uncovered
tons of sarin gas and VX, just like he said he would -- he basically
got his man, just like he always does!"
Bush: Capturifications a Team
Success has built upon success as Bush has identified and captured
"his men," but Bush hasn't forgotten the people who
make it all possible.
"To be fair, you gotta give my people
alotta credit," Bush said. "I mean, without John [Ashcroft]
working the homeland beat, we'da never imprisonated that scienterist
who mailed out weapons-grade anthrax to D.C."
"An' Rummy [Donald Rumsfeld] got them
55 Most Wanted Iraqis on them playing cards -- maybe some, if
not most, would still out there terrorizing us if it ain't for
Bush added: "I'm just glad Rummy an'
Ashy's on Murica's side."
Being name honorary commissioner of the
RCMP provides Bush with many privileges, including hitching rides
in Canadian police cruisers, wearing that funny red uniform and
ordering Canadian military forces to invade enemies of the U.S.
The New News
| No Apologies! Press
Copyright © 2003, No Apologies!