Wednesday, June 11, 3:11 PM EST

Canadians Name Bush Honorary Cop

by Brent "The Duke" Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

OTTAWA, ONTARIO -- Citing his success in capturing fugitives and criminals, the Royal Canadian Mounted Police today named George W. Bush an honorary deputy commissioner of the law enforcement agency because "he always gets his man."

"Bush exemplifies what's so great about the Mounted Police," RCMP Commissioner Giuliano Zaccardelli declared. "He always gets his man. Just like us!"

"Well, I'm just honorificated by our friendly Canadimericans, you bet," Bush said.

"I gotta say, though, I thought I deserved this when I got my man Bin Laden a couple years back," he added.

Osama bin Laden confirmed Bush's tenacity.

"He never give up, bin Bush -- he get me in his sight, he say he want me dead or alive and BAM! I be here in Guantanamo," bin Laden said, chuckling sadly from his cell.

"Bush do what he say he do, Allah willing," he added.

Mounted Policeman Long Before Honor
Canadians have called upon the RCMP to award the American commander in chief with honorary status for months.

"Yessir, I'm right proud to call Bush an honorary constable, eh?" declare Milton Brule of Wackiwachoon, Saskatchewan.

"Especially when he caught that there Saddam Hussein escaping into Syria. 'That man's a regular bloodhound,' I said to myself."

Despite Bush's track record, RCMP officials held off bestowing the honor upon him for fear of appearing to "suck up" to the United States. But when Bush found weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, they couldn't hold back any longer.

"Look, the man said there were thousands and thousands of biological and chemical WMDs in Iraq, and no one believed him," Commissioner Zaccardelli said.

"Then Bush went into Iraq and uncovered tons of sarin gas and VX, just like he said he would -- he basically got his man, just like he always does!"

Bush: Capturifications a Team Effort
Success has built upon success as Bush has identified and captured "his men," but Bush hasn't forgotten the people who make it all possible.

"To be fair, you gotta give my people alotta credit," Bush said. "I mean, without John [Ashcroft] working the homeland beat, we'da never imprisonated that scienterist who mailed out weapons-grade anthrax to D.C."

"An' Rummy [Donald Rumsfeld] got them 55 Most Wanted Iraqis on them playing cards -- maybe some, if not most, would still out there terrorizing us if it ain't for him."

Bush added: "I'm just glad Rummy an' Ashy's on Murica's side."

Being name honorary commissioner of the RCMP provides Bush with many privileges, including hitching rides in Canadian police cruisers, wearing that funny red uniform and ordering Canadian military forces to invade enemies of the U.S.


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