16, 5:44 AM PST
U.S. to Honor Reagan With "Man in
the Moon" Monument
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Frustrated with their inability to
put the visage of Ronald Reagan on the nation's currency, House
Republicans have introduced a bill that calls for embossing the
entire face of the near side of the moon with his likeness.
Democrats, foreigners and other
such roustabouts are, of course, resisting the idea of America's
Greatest President® peering down upon them night after night.
in the name of all that's reasonable, would we expend billions
and billions and billions of dollars to honor Reagan, the man
who cost this nation billions and billions and billions of dollars?"
asked Rep. Mike Thompson (D) of California in response to the
"It's the same irrational
logic that motivates Republicans who want to put Reagan on our
dimes and paper bills," Thompson continued. "He put
the U.S. into debt for more than three trillion dollars. What's
next? Dubya on the penny?"
Some Republicans, like Rep. Joe
Baca (R) of California, disputed Thompson's points.
"Ronald Reagan is to us
what FDR is to Democrats," Baca said. "Better yet,
he's to us what Jesus is to God."
Most Republicans, however, simply
attacked the bearer of reasonable discourse.
"Of course Thompson would
say that -- he's a liberal," responded House Majority Tom
DeLay (R) of Texas, one of the bill's authors. "He's a naysayer,
a can't-doer, a whiner who can't see the worth of anything beyond
his special interests like the NAACP, the Left Coast and terrorists."
Politics aside, nearly everyone
agrees that making Reagan a modern "Man in the Moon"
would clearly delineate the U.S. as the supreme spacefaring power
-- a critical distinction during a time when the Chinese threaten
to land taikonauts on the lunar surface within the decade.
"Forget Bush's call for
moon bases and trips to Mars, which, as we know, were simply
ways to address the Chinese threat upon our sovereignty of the
spacelanes," NASA Administrator Sean O'Keefe said.
"It'll be the biggest billboard
in the world, and it'll say, 'In your face, China!' Same for
you, European Space Agency!"
Others hope that such an endeavor
would provide millions of jobs to the burgeoning population of
"Dude, not only am I unemployed,
but I'm a proud conservative," said Josh Hanger of Des Moines,
Iowa. "Getting paid to go to the moon to build America's
greatest monument to America's Greatest President® would
When informed that the plan put
forth by the Republicans calls for the outsourcing manpower to
India or China, Hanger shot himself in the head.
DeLay appeared unfazed by Hanger's
"This is not The New Deal,"
he said. "We aren't overspending liberals who are trying
to provide jobs for the sake of providing jobs. We're gonna get
the best deal possible for Americans, and if that means using
Mexicans, then so be it."
Unlike putting his face on the
$20 bill -- which would requires a prodigious amount of compromise
which Republicans can't fathom -- embossing Reagan's image on
the face of the moon would require just a simple majority in
both houses of Congress, the president's signature, and the Supreme
Court tossing out international lawsuits seeking to enforce international
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