DID SOMEBODY DIE?

Wednesday, June 16, 5:44 AM PST

U.S. to Honor Reagan With "Man in the Moon" Monument

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Frustrated with their inability to put the visage of Ronald Reagan on the nation's currency, House Republicans have introduced a bill that calls for embossing the entire face of the near side of the moon with his likeness.

Democrats, foreigners and other such roustabouts are, of course, resisting the idea of America's Greatest President® peering down upon them night after night.

"Why, in the name of all that's reasonable, would we expend billions and billions and billions of dollars to honor Reagan, the man who cost this nation billions and billions and billions of dollars?" asked Rep. Mike Thompson (D) of California in response to the bill.

"It's the same irrational logic that motivates Republicans who want to put Reagan on our dimes and paper bills," Thompson continued. "He put the U.S. into debt for more than three trillion dollars. What's next? Dubya on the penny?"

Some Republicans, like Rep. Joe Baca (R) of California, disputed Thompson's points.

"Ronald Reagan is to us what FDR is to Democrats," Baca said. "Better yet, he's to us what Jesus is to God."

Most Republicans, however, simply attacked the bearer of reasonable discourse.

"Of course Thompson would say that -- he's a liberal," responded House Majority Tom DeLay (R) of Texas, one of the bill's authors. "He's a naysayer, a can't-doer, a whiner who can't see the worth of anything beyond his special interests like the NAACP, the Left Coast and terrorists."

Politics aside, nearly everyone agrees that making Reagan a modern "Man in the Moon" would clearly delineate the U.S. as the supreme spacefaring power -- a critical distinction during a time when the Chinese threaten to land taikonauts on the lunar surface within the decade.

"Forget Bush's call for moon bases and trips to Mars, which, as we know, were simply ways to address the Chinese threat upon our sovereignty of the spacelanes," NASA Administrator Sean O'Keefe said.

"It'll be the biggest billboard in the world, and it'll say, 'In your face, China!' Same for you, European Space Agency!"

Others hope that such an endeavor would provide millions of jobs to the burgeoning population of unemployed Americans.

"Dude, not only am I unemployed, but I'm a proud conservative," said Josh Hanger of Des Moines, Iowa. "Getting paid to go to the moon to build America's greatest monument to America's Greatest President® would rock."

When informed that the plan put forth by the Republicans calls for the outsourcing manpower to India or China, Hanger shot himself in the head.

DeLay appeared unfazed by Hanger's reaction.

"This is not The New Deal," he said. "We aren't overspending liberals who are trying to provide jobs for the sake of providing jobs. We're gonna get the best deal possible for Americans, and if that means using Mexicans, then so be it."

Unlike putting his face on the $20 bill -- which would requires a prodigious amount of compromise which Republicans can't fathom -- embossing Reagan's image on the face of the moon would require just a simple majority in both houses of Congress, the president's signature, and the Supreme Court tossing out international lawsuits seeking to enforce international treaties.

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