12, 8:41 AM PST
Eleven Million Candidates Solve CA's Budget
by Brent "The Duke"
SACRAMENTO, CALIF. -- California Secretary of State Kevin Shelly announced
that 10,967,105 citizens have qualified to run for the state's
governorship. The number of candidates, nearly a third of the
Golden State's population, will present unique challenges to
pollsters, as well as to candidates, who must fight to stand
out from the crowd.
But on the plus side, the money collected from
candidates' filing fees -- $3500 per -- has immediately solved
California's budget crisis, providing state coffers with over
However, the cost of the recall election
-- estimated to be as high as $70 million -- is expected to put
the state back into the red.
Still, most candidates focused on the good
news rather than the bad.
"Who knew so many people wanted to
govern Cali?" said Jack Smith of Los Angeles, a candidate.
"Dude, it's so sweet that so many of us could come together
and do our part."
Other candidates quickly spun the news
of the economic turnaround to their advantage.
"If it weren't for me, so many people
wouldn't be trying to become governor," declared once-and-present
candidate Bill Simon, the man Davis defeated in California's
last regularly scheduled election.
"In a sense, you could say that an
absolute fear that I might take over, despite being the only
person who could actually lose to Davis, scared a lot of candidates
into running," Simon continued. "I have singlehandedly
solved the budget deficit."
Simon is expected to capture his own vote,
and perhaps that of his wife.
"Hasta la vista, $38 billion budget
deficit," announced Arnold Schwarzenegger, who once again
avoided making any statement of substance that would allow voters
to understand his positions.
But The Terminator wasn't the only one.
"Dude, you have some of that sweeeeeet
ganga?" asked Jesse Stannage of Arcata, running as the candidate
of the Free the Weed Party, which he founded.
"Whatchoo talkin' about, budget surplus?"
wondered Gary Coleman, also a candidate.
"Got milk?" asked Sandra Walls
of San Diego, running on the Got Milk Party's platform. Backed
by the California Milk Processor Board, she has promised to only
say "Got milk?" throughout the campaign.
"Budget deficit? I'm talking about
the boobies deficit," said Candidate Larry Flynt.
"Our next challenge is to get Pete
Rose reinstated in Major League Baseball," announced Peter
Ueberroth, the former baseball commissioner running for the governor's
office. How Pete Rose, who played for Cincinnati Reds and was
later kicked out of MLB for gambling on games, figures into the
current gubernatorial race is unknown.
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