CREEPY CALIFORNIA CRISIS

Tuesday, August 12, 8:41 AM PST

Eleven Million Candidates Solve CA's Budget Crisis

by Brent "The Duke" Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

SACRAMENTO, CALIF. -- California Secretary of State Kevin Shelly announced that 10,967,105 citizens have qualified to run for the state's governorship. The number of candidates, nearly a third of the Golden State's population, will present unique challenges to pollsters, as well as to candidates, who must fight to stand out from the crowd.

But on the plus side, the money collected from candidates' filing fees -- $3500 per -- has immediately solved California's budget crisis, providing state coffers with over $38 billion.

However, the cost of the recall election -- estimated to be as high as $70 million -- is expected to put the state back into the red.

Still, most candidates focused on the good news rather than the bad.

"Who knew so many people wanted to govern Cali?" said Jack Smith of Los Angeles, a candidate. "Dude, it's so sweet that so many of us could come together and do our part."

Other candidates quickly spun the news of the economic turnaround to their advantage.

"If it weren't for me, so many people wouldn't be trying to become governor," declared once-and-present candidate Bill Simon, the man Davis defeated in California's last regularly scheduled election.

"In a sense, you could say that an absolute fear that I might take over, despite being the only person who could actually lose to Davis, scared a lot of candidates into running," Simon continued. "I have singlehandedly solved the budget deficit."

Simon is expected to capture his own vote, and perhaps that of his wife.

"Hasta la vista, $38 billion budget deficit," announced Arnold Schwarzenegger, who once again avoided making any statement of substance that would allow voters to understand his positions.

But The Terminator wasn't the only one.

"Dude, you have some of that sweeeeeet ganga?" asked Jesse Stannage of Arcata, running as the candidate of the Free the Weed Party, which he founded.

"Whatchoo talkin' about, budget surplus?" wondered Gary Coleman, also a candidate.

"Got milk?" asked Sandra Walls of San Diego, running on the Got Milk Party's platform. Backed by the California Milk Processor Board, she has promised to only say "Got milk?" throughout the campaign.

"Budget deficit? I'm talking about the boobies deficit," said Candidate Larry Flynt.

"Our next challenge is to get Pete Rose reinstated in Major League Baseball," announced Peter Ueberroth, the former baseball commissioner running for the governor's office. How Pete Rose, who played for Cincinnati Reds and was later kicked out of MLB for gambling on games, figures into the current gubernatorial race is unknown.

 

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