SPORTS

Friday, October 29, 1:35 AM PST

World Champion Red Sox Relocating to Orlando

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

BOSTON -- Right on the heels of a historic World Series victory that ended an 86-year-old championship drought comes the amazing -- and for Bostonians, unthinkable -- revelation that, after a 117-year love affair with the city, the Red Sox will relocate to Orlando, Florida.

"It's amazing, just amazing," cheered local Orlando resident Kenneth Eller as he read the news in the Orlando Sentinel. "We needed our own professional baseball team, and we finally got it. Who'd of thought it'd be the Red Sox, though?"

Under the agreement, the Red Sox -- to be renamed the "Orlando Read Socks" to help promote literacy -- will begin playing in Orlando in the 2005 season. Disney, a partner in the deal, will help design the new ballpark, which will feature a miniaturized version of the "Green Monster."

Disney will also install a new Audio-Animatronics® boat ride in the new ballpark -- much like Disneyland's "It's a Small World" boat ride, it will feature dozens of historic Red Sox and Read Socks players singing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game."

"The Ted Williams doll is going to be the best one," said Disney Imagineer Myra Mortenson. "I can't say too much, but let's just say we're in talks with his son John Henry regarding the use of his father's cryogenically frozen body."

Another John Henry, this one the principal owner of the Red Sox/Read Socks, seemed surprised that news of the deal had leaked so quickly.

"Uh... can you keep this on the down-low for 24 hours?" he whispered when questioned about the deal in the midst of the Red Sox victory parade taking place in the downtown Boston. "I'm a bit afraid for my life."

Within the hour, however, rumors of The New News' scoop struck celebrating Bostonians like a Bill Buckner Seventh Game error, turning a once joyful celebration into a typically ugly and violent day after a Red Sox loss.

Within two hours, the last anyone saw of John Henry, he was sucked into a gigantic mob of angry, drunken Red Sox fans calling for his sacrifice to the "baseball gods."

Within five hours, the entire city was a burning pyre, sacrificed to the "baseball gods" as penance by fans who, by celebrating the end of a curse that had defined them for generations, may have offended a higher authority.

Comment in the forum
(no registration required)

Kournikova Ends Sharapova's Blooming Career With Extreme Prejudice

Piston Fans to Kimmel: Detroit Will Burn, Win or Lose

Iona College Faces Tough Division I Drinking Season

Violent A's Fan Stopped by Heroic Player (The Wired Press)

The New News | No Apologies! Press

Copyright © 2004, No Apologies! Press
The New News: Satire for the Unwashed Masses