NATION

Wednesday, August 4, 4:32 PM PST

Secretary Ridge Kinda Bored of Scaring You to Death

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Tom Ridge, the country's first head of the Department of Homeland Security Secretary, is bored with the repetitious nature of his job and is considering leaving the post soon.

To date, Ridge's only accomplishment of note has been scaring the shit out of citizens with regularly scheduled terrorist alerts every two weeks or so.

"Yeah, it was kind of interesting at first, working for the federal government, for my country," Ridge said, sighing. "But lately, I don't know... it's kind of the same old, same old, day after day."

Beltway insiders have long whispered that Ridge was dissatisfied simply being George W. Bush's official scaremonger. However, Ridge had never publicly admitted his unhappiness until today, when he outlined his role in the Bush Administration.

"Well, there's not much to say -- I sit by a phone in an office, waiting for the White House to call," Ridge said. "When I get one, I go to the podium and tell you all there's a terrorist threat to the nation, yadda yadda. Then I go back to the office and do some coloring or something."

And as the presidential election approaches, Ridge expects that he'll be getting more of the same.

"The only poll in which Bush leads Kerry is in questions about the War Against Terrorism," Ridge said. "So they're probably be more alerts, probably once a week at least, until after the election."

Boredom isn't the only challenge Ridge is dealing with -- he fears he'll soon suffer creative burnout. "There's only so many ways I'm gonna scare the shit out of you, you know. Even Stephen King couldn't keep up this pace."

Ridge's comments come a day after he released yet another warning to the nation to prepare for terrorist attacks.

"This last one was relatively interesting," Ridge admitted. "At least Dick Cheney asked for some meat this time. It kinda sucked that most of the details were more than three years old. But it's so much better than the one I released last month -- you know, the one where I basically said to be scared of everything? That was just so... blah. I need a challenge, a job that tests my skills."

When asked to describe his greatest accomplishment as secretary, Ridge said, "I like my color-coded warning chart. I drew the first one myself, with crayons. The White House gave me crayons to occupy my time while I waited for phone calls from them. They're pretty."

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