INTERNATIONAL

Thursday, April 1, 5:31 AM PST

White House Gives Saddam Hussein Old Job Back

by Brent the Johnson,
NAB!P NewsWire

BAGHDAD -- Finally responding to nonstop attacks against American soldiers and citizens in Iraq since the U.S. invasion last year, the White House today announced that it had rehired Saddam Hussein as the country's dictator.

"It's pretty clear that, at this time, Iraqis can't deal with being free," Press Secretary Scott McClellan said during the announcement. "Being free doesn't mean free to kill Americans, you know. We think Saddam can correct the situation."

"Oh shit!" said the nation's Sunni, Shiite and Kurd populations in a joint statement, suddenly remembering life under the brutal dictator. "Can we start over?"

The move comes after Iraqis in the northern city of Fallujah attacked and killed four U.S. contractors, mutilating their corpses and chanting, "Fallujah is the graveyard of Americans!" and "We sacrifice our blood and souls for Islam!"

"Fallujah's probably gonna be the graveyard to a bunch of stone-throwing heathens now," quipped Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. "Well, fuck 'em -- if they can't appreciate the life of freedom, lets give 'em death courtesy of Saddam."

Asked how America's one-time friend could become America's enemy and then become America's friend again, Rumsfeld scoffed.

"Friend? Look, differences of opinion aside, we've come to recognize that Saddam had a stabilizing effect on the region," Rumsfeld said. "Sure, we're not a fan of his human rights record, invasions or taste in palaces, but he kept those crazy Islamians in line."

"Besides, I don't recall anyone in this Administration ever called Hussein 'a bad guy' in so many words," Rumsfeld added, using finger-quotes. "It's the media who went and made him out to be the Hitler of the Middle East, you know."

Hussein, for his part, appears prepared to take on a new challenge.

"Everyone ask Saddam, 'You ready Saddam?' every minute since Saddam leave cell!" said the once, present and future dictator, whose bedraggled appearance belied his apparent resolve to rule Iraq with an iron fist.

"Saddam say, 'Saddam ready! Give Saddam rifle!' Ah, thank you, American infidel people -- Uncle Saddam so very happy! Celebrate tonight! Slay 10,000 Iraqis for disorderly conduct!"

"Oh shit!" said the nation's Sunni, Shiite and Kurd populations in another joint statement.

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