March 31, 2004,
8:30 AM PST
Terri Schiavo Returns as Brain-Eating
PINELLAS PARK, Fla. -- Against all odds, Terri Schiavo, who
finally passed away today -- but not before being embraced as
a political football by evangelicals, government and typical
Americans -- has risen from death as a zombie with a taste for
commented Schiavo in response to the questions of Tampa Tribune
reporter Clint Barker, just before eating him. "Braaaiiinnns!"
Dr. Perry Rache, a professor
of pop-culture studies at the University of Tampa, feels that
the return of Schiavo in the form of a brain-sucking people eater
is a metaphor for the "average American's priorities."
"The Schiavo case demonstrates
clearly that we are zombies -- we consume each other, every day.
Personalities are much more important to us than important issues,
such as preventing the destruction of the Social Security trust
fund," Rache said just before Schiavo and Barker ate his
"Should we not instead...
what? Wait... no! No! NOOOOOOGGGKKK!" Rache continued. "GRK!"
Rache later said at a zombie rally in downtown Tampa.
When asked why He allowed Schiavo
to return as an undead beast of Hell, God said:
"Hey, I tried taking her
before -- but you dicks with your feeding tubes, lawsuits, and
hypocritical and illogical 'Let's get the government to keep
her alive even though I hate the government because it's stealing
money from my wallet to pay for things like keeping people alive'
trains of thought kinda ruined the whole thing for me.
"So fuck you, you rednecks,"
Asked about God's comments, Schiavo
Red-blooded Americans who had
initially argued against removing Schiavo's feeding tube ran
in fear of their lives before the zombie hoard -- but soon realized
that the monsters' lust for brains precluded them from attack.