March 31, 2004, 8:30 AM PST

Terri Schiavo Returns as Brain-Eating Zombie

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

PINELLAS PARK, Fla. -- Against all odds, Terri Schiavo, who finally passed away today -- but not before being embraced as a political football by evangelicals, government and typical Americans -- has risen from death as a zombie with a taste for human brains.

"Braaaiiinnns," commented Schiavo in response to the questions of Tampa Tribune reporter Clint Barker, just before eating him. "Braaaiiinnns!"

Dr. Perry Rache, a professor of pop-culture studies at the University of Tampa, feels that the return of Schiavo in the form of a brain-sucking people eater is a metaphor for the "average American's priorities."

"The Schiavo case demonstrates clearly that we are zombies -- we consume each other, every day. Personalities are much more important to us than important issues, such as preventing the destruction of the Social Security trust fund," Rache said just before Schiavo and Barker ate his brains.

"Should we not instead... what? Wait... no! No! NOOOOOOGGGKKK!" Rache continued. "GRK!"

"Braaaiiinnns! Braaaiiinnns!" Rache later said at a zombie rally in downtown Tampa.

When asked why He allowed Schiavo to return as an undead beast of Hell, God said:

"Hey, I tried taking her before -- but you dicks with your feeding tubes, lawsuits, and hypocritical and illogical 'Let's get the government to keep her alive even though I hate the government because it's stealing money from my wallet to pay for things like keeping people alive' trains of thought kinda ruined the whole thing for me.

"So fuck you, you rednecks," He added.

Asked about God's comments, Schiavo said, "BRAAIIINNNS-ZAH!"

Red-blooded Americans who had initially argued against removing Schiavo's feeding tube ran in fear of their lives before the zombie hoard -- but soon realized that the monsters' lust for brains precluded them from attack.

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