Tuesday, Dec.
8, 5:00 PM PST
Bush to Secretly Visit San Francisco
by Brent
the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire
SAN FRANCISCO --
Following up the success of his heroic trip to Iraq, George W.
Bush will make a secret Christmas trip to San Francisco in order
to "strut his stuff," according to one White House
official.
"You should have seen how the troops in Iraq
reacted, they were just so thrilled," said the official,
who requested anonymity. "We expect the troops currently
occupying Frisco will be just as stoked."
Bush's trip to San Francisco will be his
first since he ordered U.S. soldiers to invade the bastion of
liberal dissidents who refused to acknowledge his alleged presidency.
"They don't even call me 'President
Bush' in their newspapers," Bush complained last August.
Then in October, while justifying the San
Francisco invasion, Bush alluded to conclusive evidence (currently
withheld from the public for national-security purposes) that
proved The City was a "bad, bad place run by perverts, vegans,
PhDs, artists and other liberal terrorists."
According to the White House official,
the secret Bush trip will only occur if:
- the Secret Service can create a corridor
free of black whips and pink velvet handcuffs
- one-time liberalist mayor Willie Brown
-- now leading a guerilla force resisting U.S. occupation --
is captured, "dead or alive"
- several dozen decoy Air Force Ones aren't
shot out of the sky by rainbow-hued ray beams emitted from the
eyes of The City's notorious gay population
- chitlins, spurs and pick-up gunracks are
made available
- other airline pilots who happen to see
Air Force One ask, "Is that Santa Claus?"
- at least a dozen San Franciscans per day
are shot on sight for breathing the wrong way
- no one is aware the trip is occurring
"Just don't tell anyone, m'kay?"
the official begged the reporters attending the super-secret
press conference.
Soldiers occupying San Francisco reacted
enthusiastically to the news.
"I'm just damn happy to see that Bush
done not forgot us, what with Iraq and all," PFC Janine
Ramble of Charlotte, NC.
"Well, I'll tell you what, I'm pretty
excited for sure!" said Corporal Maynard Willens of Tallahassee,
Fla. "Maybe he'll bring out some pork rinds and Bud with
him. That'd be good. I'm done sick of sushi and microbrew."
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