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Tuesday, Dec. 8, 5:00 PM PST

Bush to Secretly Visit San Francisco

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

SAN FRANCISCO -- Following up the success of his heroic trip to Iraq, George W. Bush will make a secret Christmas trip to San Francisco in order to "strut his stuff," according to one White House official.

"You should have seen how the troops in Iraq reacted, they were just so thrilled," said the official, who requested anonymity. "We expect the troops currently occupying Frisco will be just as stoked."

Bush's trip to San Francisco will be his first since he ordered U.S. soldiers to invade the bastion of liberal dissidents who refused to acknowledge his alleged presidency.

"They don't even call me 'President Bush' in their newspapers," Bush complained last August.

Then in October, while justifying the San Francisco invasion, Bush alluded to conclusive evidence (currently withheld from the public for national-security purposes) that proved The City was a "bad, bad place run by perverts, vegans, PhDs, artists and other liberal terrorists."

According to the White House official, the secret Bush trip will only occur if:

  • the Secret Service can create a corridor free of black whips and pink velvet handcuffs

  • one-time liberalist mayor Willie Brown -- now leading a guerilla force resisting U.S. occupation -- is captured, "dead or alive"

  • several dozen decoy Air Force Ones aren't shot out of the sky by rainbow-hued ray beams emitted from the eyes of The City's notorious gay population

  • chitlins, spurs and pick-up gunracks are made available

  • other airline pilots who happen to see Air Force One ask, "Is that Santa Claus?"

  • at least a dozen San Franciscans per day are shot on sight for breathing the wrong way

  • no one is aware the trip is occurring

"Just don't tell anyone, m'kay?" the official begged the reporters attending the super-secret press conference.

Soldiers occupying San Francisco reacted enthusiastically to the news.

"I'm just damn happy to see that Bush done not forgot us, what with Iraq and all," PFC Janine Ramble of Charlotte, NC.

"Well, I'll tell you what, I'm pretty excited for sure!" said Corporal Maynard Willens of Tallahassee, Fla. "Maybe he'll bring out some pork rinds and Bud with him. That'd be good. I'm done sick of sushi and microbrew."

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