SCIENCE & TECHNOLOGY

Thursday, March 18, 4:11 AM PST

Newly Discovered Sedna Demanding Cooler Name

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

SEDNA -- Sedna, the furthest celestial object yet discovered in our solar system, is demanding a newer, cooler name in a series of comments which question astronomers' masculinity and threatens to "kick ass" if its demands are ignored.

"I didn't wait eons, epochs and millenia sitting out here on the edge of interstellar space to get stuck with a name like Sedna. Sedna, yeah, right. Why don't you just call me Edna? Better yet, how about just calling me Retard?" wondered the planetoid sassily, adding that its current name sounded "totally gay."

When astronomists responsible for labelling the planetoid pointed out that it was named after the Inuit goddess of the sea, Sedna declared it wasn't a girl.

"The only chick planet in this solar system is Venus," Sedna snapped. "And you know what? She's a loser. You guys certainly think so, you hardly look at Venus. Maybe because y'all such homos. What? Am I wrong? That's cool. Just watch out when big, manly Mars comes around again -- you might get tampled in the gayest stampede this side of science."

Sedna then questioned the qualifications of the astronomers who named him.

"I can't believe you people, you know? You study the stars, the cosmos, the dome of night all your lives, dreaming of discovering new worlds, and when you finally do, you name me Sedna. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU PANSIES? You best not cross my path, because I'm going to beat the living shit out of you."

In response to Sedna's acting out, astronomers have conferred with psychologists in attempt to figure out why the planetoid has such a bad attitude. While the verdict is still out, the initial conclusion is that Sedna suffers from what is commonly known as The Napolean Complex, or "Short Man's Disease."

"Sedna's a teeny-tiny object in the solar system, not even as big as our moon," said one astronomist, commenting anonomously. "It's like your tiniest childhood friend who always tried to tackle every one in a flag-football game, or was always wanting to wrestle you. But seriously, Sedna's acting like a total bitch."

Sedna, however, isn't just complaining about his/her name.

"I'm just telling you this once -- I don't wanna deal with all this 'planetoid' crap," Sedna said. "I'm a freakin' planet, and if you don't like it, you come sit your ass out here and play planetoid yourself. Planetoid... I mean, what the hell is that? Don't I orbit the friggin' sun? I'm not some slobberin' retard with a bicycle helmet who needs you to watch were he's goin'. I know where I'm going, you know where I'm going -- AROUND THE FRIGGIN' SOLAR SYSTEM JUST LIKE THE REST OF THE PLANETS. Jerks."

When asked what name it would prefer, Sedna responded enthusiastically: "I wanna name that's cool, like Pluto. Freakin' cartoon dogs are just awesome. Maybe y'all can call me Goofy? I dunno."

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