18, 4:11 AM PST
Newly Discovered Sedna Demanding Cooler
SEDNA -- Sedna, the furthest celestial object yet discovered
in our solar system, is demanding a newer, cooler name in a series
of comments which question astronomers' masculinity and threatens
to "kick ass" if its demands are ignored.
didn't wait eons, epochs and millenia sitting out here on the
edge of interstellar space to get stuck with a name like Sedna.
Sedna, yeah, right. Why don't you just call me Edna? Better yet,
how about just calling me Retard?" wondered the planetoid
sassily, adding that its current name sounded "totally gay."
When astronomists responsible
for labelling the planetoid pointed out that it was named after
the Inuit goddess of the sea, Sedna declared it wasn't a girl.
"The only chick planet in
this solar system is Venus," Sedna snapped. "And you
know what? She's a loser. You guys certainly think so, you hardly
look at Venus. Maybe because y'all such homos. What? Am I wrong?
That's cool. Just watch out when big, manly Mars comes around
again -- you might get tampled in the gayest stampede this side
Sedna then questioned the qualifications
of the astronomers who named him.
"I can't believe you people,
you know? You study the stars, the cosmos, the dome of night
all your lives, dreaming of discovering new worlds, and when
you finally do, you name me Sedna. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH
YOU PANSIES? You best not cross my path, because I'm going to
beat the living shit out of you."
In response to Sedna's acting
out, astronomers have conferred with psychologists in attempt
to figure out why the planetoid has such a bad attitude. While
the verdict is still out, the initial conclusion is that Sedna
suffers from what is commonly known as The Napolean Complex,
or "Short Man's Disease."
"Sedna's a teeny-tiny object
in the solar system, not even as big as our moon," said
one astronomist, commenting anonomously. "It's like your
tiniest childhood friend who always tried to tackle every one
in a flag-football game, or was always wanting to wrestle you.
But seriously, Sedna's acting like a total bitch."
Sedna, however, isn't just complaining
about his/her name.
"I'm just telling you this
once -- I don't wanna deal with all this 'planetoid' crap,"
Sedna said. "I'm a freakin' planet, and if you don't like
it, you come sit your ass out here and play planetoid yourself.
Planetoid... I mean, what the hell is that? Don't I orbit the
friggin' sun? I'm not some slobberin' retard with a bicycle helmet
who needs you to watch were he's goin'. I know where I'm going,
you know where I'm going -- AROUND THE FRIGGIN' SOLAR SYSTEM
JUST LIKE THE REST OF THE PLANETS. Jerks."
When asked what name it would
prefer, Sedna responded enthusiastically: "I wanna name
that's cool, like Pluto. Freakin' cartoon dogs are just awesome.
Maybe y'all can call me Goofy? I dunno."
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