10, 8:22 PM PST
White House Gives Halliburton 2004 Election
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Citing a "nationwide epidemic
of unreliable election officials," Vice President Dick Cheney
announced today that the federal government would contract his
former company, Halliburton, to collect and count voters' ballots.
is a private-sector corporation," Cheney said. "And
we all know that the private sector can do any job much more
efficiently and at a lower cost than public servants. Der!"
The oil-and-gas-services company,
which expects to bring in well over $3 billion for its services,
is expected to team up with Diebold -- the makers of electronic
voting systems that are often criticized for their lack of security
against even amateur hackers -- to "produce" the election
When asked if Halliburton had
once again been awarded a contract without the legally mandated
bidding process, Cheney said, "Remember that mess in Florida?
Do you really want your state to turn into a banana republic,
too? Stupid question!"
Halliburton has been rocked with
recent allegations that it overcharged the military for oil and
food services, and that some of its employees accepted kickbacks
that cost the country $6.3 million.
Despite its apparent inefficiencies,
the corporation continues to be awarded contracts by the White
House and Pentagon, currently worth over $8 billion.
When asked why Halliburton was
awarded the contract despite its lackluster performance in Iraq,
Cheney quickly answered, "This has nothing to do with my
former employment with the company, nor the $150,000 I still
receive from Halliburton every year, nor the $18 million in Halliburton
stock options I continue to hold. Duh!"
Meanwhile, millions of election
officials and workers are expected to lose their jobs.
"Well, they may lose those
jobs," Cheney said. "But we expect that Halliburton
and Diebold will rehire many -- if not all -- of them, so the
job loss is really minimal. It's really a non-issue. Doi!"
But Halliburton spokesperson
Gil Radnich apparently contradicted the vice-president when he
announced that all 12 of the new election-related jobs created
by the contract would be outsourced to India.
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