SELECTION 2004

Tuesday, Feb. 10, 8:22 PM PST

White House Gives Halliburton 2004 Election Contract

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Citing a "nationwide epidemic of unreliable election officials," Vice President Dick Cheney announced today that the federal government would contract his former company, Halliburton, to collect and count voters' ballots.

"Halliburton is a private-sector corporation," Cheney said. "And we all know that the private sector can do any job much more efficiently and at a lower cost than public servants. Der!"

The oil-and-gas-services company, which expects to bring in well over $3 billion for its services, is expected to team up with Diebold -- the makers of electronic voting systems that are often criticized for their lack of security against even amateur hackers -- to "produce" the election this November.

When asked if Halliburton had once again been awarded a contract without the legally mandated bidding process, Cheney said, "Remember that mess in Florida? Do you really want your state to turn into a banana republic, too? Stupid question!"

Halliburton has been rocked with recent allegations that it overcharged the military for oil and food services, and that some of its employees accepted kickbacks that cost the country $6.3 million.

Despite its apparent inefficiencies, the corporation continues to be awarded contracts by the White House and Pentagon, currently worth over $8 billion.

When asked why Halliburton was awarded the contract despite its lackluster performance in Iraq, Cheney quickly answered, "This has nothing to do with my former employment with the company, nor the $150,000 I still receive from Halliburton every year, nor the $18 million in Halliburton stock options I continue to hold. Duh!"

Meanwhile, millions of election officials and workers are expected to lose their jobs.

"Well, they may lose those jobs," Cheney said. "But we expect that Halliburton and Diebold will rehire many -- if not all -- of them, so the job loss is really minimal. It's really a non-issue. Doi!"

But Halliburton spokesperson Gil Radnich apparently contradicted the vice-president when he announced that all 12 of the new election-related jobs created by the contract would be outsourced to India.

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