NATION

Tuesday, March16, 1:09 AM PST

Rioting, Looting, Cannibalism Come to an End in San Francisco

by King Mongo & Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

SAN FRANCISCO -- After weeks of total chaos in the streets of The City by the Bay, peace and order have been re-established after the California Supreme Court ordered City Hall to stop issuing marriage licenses to same-sex couples.

Right-thinking citizens -- forced to form armed enclaves against anarchic gangs of homosexuals, bisexual and transsexuals since same-sex marriages began -- dared to take to the streets for the first time in nearly a month after National Guard units moved in to secure the city.

"It was terrible, terrible," declared Quincy Mung, a heterosexual real-estate developer. "The blood washed through the streets! I saw faggots eating babies alive! Some even wore kids' skulls around their necks! And one smashed in the windshield of my Porsche Boxter. I shot him with my 12-gauge shotgun, though. Or her."

While the finger-pointing began in Sacramento almost as soon as San Francisco's situation became clear, Republicans and Democrats both had to agree that the governor did not bear any responsibility

"I told you all this, all of these things," California Governor Arnold Schwarzenneger declared. "I said San Francisco was rioting when I was visiting Washington D.C., but no one believed any of these things. Now you will believe me when I tell you all of these things. Yes."

The most surprising development, however, is the number of homosexuals who rioted against same-sex marriage.

"Gay marriage is the worst thing ever!" whined Chante Whitman, proprieter of SteamWorx, a gay bathhouse in San Francisco and a notorious pick-up spot.

"My business has been down big time since Mayor Newsom started this shit -- nobody wants to take a chance on being seen coming in here by Mr. Right."

Tom Rathmussen, UC Berkeley's Dean of Alternative Lifestyles, said, "The free-wheeling sexual activity we've seen over the past 20 years in the gay community has largely been borne of two things. First, gay couples can't impregnate each other, and second, there's no legally binding contract, no matter what form the relationship takes. No wonder they were demonstrating against City Hall."

Whether or not homosexuals will return to bathhouses remains to be seen.

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