1:09 AM PST
Rioting, Looting, Cannibalism Come to
an End in San Francisco
Mongo & Brent the Johnson,
SAN FRANCISCO -- After weeks of total chaos in the
streets of The City by the Bay, peace and order have been re-established
after the California Supreme Court ordered City Hall to stop
issuing marriage licenses to same-sex couples.
citizens -- forced to form armed enclaves against anarchic gangs
of homosexuals, bisexual and transsexuals since same-sex marriages
began -- dared to take to the streets for the first time in nearly
a month after National Guard units moved in to secure the city.
"It was terrible, terrible,"
declared Quincy Mung, a heterosexual real-estate developer. "The
blood washed through the streets! I saw faggots eating babies
alive! Some even wore kids' skulls around their necks! And one
smashed in the windshield of my Porsche Boxter. I shot him with
my 12-gauge shotgun, though. Or her."
While the finger-pointing began
in Sacramento almost as soon as San Francisco's situation became
clear, Republicans and Democrats both had to agree that the governor
did not bear any responsibility
"I told you all this, all
of these things," California Governor Arnold Schwarzenneger
declared. "I said San Francisco was rioting when I was visiting
Washington D.C., but no one believed any of these things. Now
you will believe me when I tell you all of these things. Yes."
The most surprising development,
however, is the number of homosexuals who rioted against
"Gay marriage is the worst
thing ever!" whined Chante Whitman, proprieter of SteamWorx,
a gay bathhouse in San Francisco and a notorious pick-up spot.
"My business has been down
big time since Mayor Newsom started this shit -- nobody wants
to take a chance on being seen coming in here by Mr. Right."
Tom Rathmussen, UC Berkeley's
Dean of Alternative Lifestyles, said, "The free-wheeling
sexual activity we've seen over the past 20 years in the gay
community has largely been borne of two things. First, gay couples
can't impregnate each other, and second, there's no legally binding
contract, no matter what form the relationship takes. No wonder
they were demonstrating against City Hall."
Whether or not homosexuals will
return to bathhouses remains to be seen.
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