Wednesday, July
7, 11:49 AM PST
Kournikova Ends Sharapova's Blooming Career
With Extreme Prejudice
by Brent
the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire
MOSCOW -- Tragedy rippled across the tennis world after
it became clear that formerly hot Russian professional player
Anna Kournikova did indeed "pull a Tonya Harding,"
destroying the blossoming career of Wimbledon champion Maria
Sharapova with "extreme prejudice" yesterday at a Russian
tennis court.
However, unlike the clubbing
that Tonya Harding's husband inflicted upon Nancy Kerrigan in
1994 in attempt to prevent Kerrigan from defeating Harding in
competition, Kournikova's attack took place in public and lasted
well over four hours.
"First,
she was all, like, just using a club on Sharapova's leg, over
and over and over again," described Yuri Burivich, who witnessed
the attack as it occurred. "But that was, like, not enough?
That's when she pulled out the pliers."
Before the brutal assault was
over, Kournikova managed to go through her personal arsenal of
weaponry. Officers investigating the scene found several bottles
of pepperspray and mace, a couple of tasers, a switchblade, riding
crops, several hockey sticks (including a goalie stick), an expandable
baton, a high velocity slingshot, stun guns, a Louisville Slugger,
a fly fishing rod, cattle prods, a machete, a Bowie knife, an
entire set of Encyclopedia Britannica, throwing stars and nunchukas,
two crossbows, a quarterstaff, a shovel, a hatchet, bayonets
and (of course) tennis rackets.
Sharapova reportedly was struggling
with a pair of Chinese handcuffs when authorities were finally
able to beat Kournikova off with shotguns loaded with rock salt.
Tension between the pair had
escalated over the past year as it became apparent that Sharapova,
17, would soon outshine the once-celebrated, now-retired Kournikova,
23.
"What can you say -- Maria's
beautiful and so was Kournikova," said Andy Roddick, a professional
tennis player. "But Maria had skillz, yo. Kournikova's all
show. For reals."
Kournikova's lack of success
on the court (she won only two titles in her career, neither
of them sanctioned) was once thought mitigated by her youthful
beauty, which she quickly parleyed into cash.
But Sharapova's success, combined
with her good looks, appeared to send the quickly aging Kournikova
over the edge.
Many Russians present at the
scene of the attack didn't appear to feel bad for the upstart.
"She [Sharapova] is quite
lovely, quite pretty... well, she was... But she just
kept crying, 'Please, please, somebody help me, somebody help
me.' Very pathetic," noted Dmitri Dmitrivich, who won a
wager during the attack. "Perhaps if she weren't raised
in the U.S. to play tennis, she would understand why no one tried
to help her. Nyet?"
When asked why no one intervened,
Dimitri said, "It's not everyday you get to see a classic
Russian catfight."
