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Wednesday, July 7, 11:49 AM PST

Kournikova Ends Sharapova's Blooming Career With Extreme Prejudice

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

MOSCOW -- Tragedy rippled across the tennis world after it became clear that formerly hot Russian professional player Anna Kournikova did indeed "pull a Tonya Harding," destroying the blossoming career of Wimbledon champion Maria Sharapova with "extreme prejudice" yesterday at a Russian tennis court.

However, unlike the clubbing that Tonya Harding's husband inflicted upon Nancy Kerrigan in 1994 in attempt to prevent Kerrigan from defeating Harding in competition, Kournikova's attack took place in public and lasted well over four hours.

"First, she was all, like, just using a club on Sharapova's leg, over and over and over again," described Yuri Burivich, who witnessed the attack as it occurred. "But that was, like, not enough? That's when she pulled out the pliers."

Before the brutal assault was over, Kournikova managed to go through her personal arsenal of weaponry. Officers investigating the scene found several bottles of pepperspray and mace, a couple of tasers, a switchblade, riding crops, several hockey sticks (including a goalie stick), an expandable baton, a high velocity slingshot, stun guns, a Louisville Slugger, a fly fishing rod, cattle prods, a machete, a Bowie knife, an entire set of Encyclopedia Britannica, throwing stars and nunchukas, two crossbows, a quarterstaff, a shovel, a hatchet, bayonets and (of course) tennis rackets.

Sharapova reportedly was struggling with a pair of Chinese handcuffs when authorities were finally able to beat Kournikova off with shotguns loaded with rock salt.

Tension between the pair had escalated over the past year as it became apparent that Sharapova, 17, would soon outshine the once-celebrated, now-retired Kournikova, 23.

"What can you say -- Maria's beautiful and so was Kournikova," said Andy Roddick, a professional tennis player. "But Maria had skillz, yo. Kournikova's all show. For reals."

Kournikova's lack of success on the court (she won only two titles in her career, neither of them sanctioned) was once thought mitigated by her youthful beauty, which she quickly parleyed into cash.

But Sharapova's success, combined with her good looks, appeared to send the quickly aging Kournikova over the edge.

Many Russians present at the scene of the attack didn't appear to feel bad for the upstart.

"She [Sharapova] is quite lovely, quite pretty... well, she was... But she just kept crying, 'Please, please, somebody help me, somebody help me.' Very pathetic," noted Dmitri Dmitrivich, who won a wager during the attack. "Perhaps if she weren't raised in the U.S. to play tennis, she would understand why no one tried to help her. Nyet?"

When asked why no one intervened, Dimitri said, "It's not everyday you get to see a classic Russian catfight."

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