NATION

Tuesday, March 9, 5:42 PM PST

Christians, Sadomasochists Coming Together With a Passion

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

WICHITA, Kan. -- Mel Gibson may have had other goals when he created The Passion of the Christ, but perhaps he doesn't mind that his film is helping forge common ground between Christians and sadomasochists.

"This is the kind of porn both of us can relate to," said Kimberly Smythe of Wichita. Smythe is a "hardcore Baptist," while her boyfriend Granular Cortex is of the S&M persuasion.

"We used to be, like, friends up through the sixth grade, but Steven -- I mean, Granular -- became fascinated with playing Iron Maiden albums backward, and as a Christian, I thought I couldn't abide that," Smythe explained.

The pair ran into each other on the opening night of the blockbuster, and were forced to sit together because of the crowd. "If it wasn't for Gibson's treatise, we wouldn't even be talking right now," Cortex said.

As the movie progressed, Cortex noticed that Smythe seemed "excited" as Roman soldiers slapped, beat and flayed Jesus for over 12 minutes, audibly sighing when bloody gobbets of flesh flew through the air.

"It weren't no 'oh no no' gasp, neither," Cortex said. "It was more like 'yeah, cut it more, baby, yeah!', you know?"

Cortex and Smythe have seen the movie every night since. The normally pretty Smythe now has several thin cuts woven across her face and a bald spot on the left side of her head, while Cortex's face is a mask of bruises.

"We really enjoy each other's company now," Smythe affirmed. "Granular really knows how to get the most out of my Christian sense of piety, guilt and bloodlust. Who knew that such evil people could address my every need?"

"I like the way she begs for mercy," Cortex added. "It's hot."

Across the country, sadomasochists and Christians have found that they have much in common.

"I like blood," said William Hadergrau, a docent at his Catholic church, as well as the owner of Mass-o-Christ's, an S&M club in Oklahoma City.

"I like blood, rent flesh, tortured screams, mutilated bodies, babies cooking over open fires on spits. The Passion of the Christ is pornography for both the Christian and the sexually-depraved beast within me -- it helped me get past whatever guilt I may have felt, because I now know that Jesus was totally into it."

"You ignorant unbelievers like pee-pees and boobies and that's what sells you," Hadergrau added. "But if you want my money, you gotta give me some Jesus-getting-filleted action."

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