Wednesday, Dec. 9, 3:46 PM PST

Smart Weapons Failing Standardized Tests, Serious Shortage Looms

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A series of failing grades by America's children will have a devastating effect on the United States' ability to protect its "national interests," according to the Department of Defense.

Nearly 300,000 students in the 4th, 5th and 7th grades took the National Achievement Test (NAT) last year, and nearly 200,000 failed it. It's the fifth straight year NAT stores have dropped

"Such results account for the inability of our latest-generation smart weapons to actually find their targets in Iraq and contain their damage in a manner that would prevent collateral damage," declared Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld.

"It's critical to our nation's defense that we get these grades back up," he continued.

Smart weapons, it turns out, aren't computer-aided, but instead are piloted by people. Footage of the first smart weapon made its way into the critically acclaimed film, Dr. Strangelove, much to the Pentagon's dismay.

Nowadays, however, smart weapons are piloted from the inside by children who pass the NAT test.

"We use kids because they're smaller," explained Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz, a demon recently summoned back from the fiery pits of Hell.

"They fit better, aren't seen by the public and make a great sacrifice to Satan, my Dark Lord," Wolfowitz continued.

But with the inability of the nation's youth to spell their name correctly using the fill-in-the-bubble system -- which represents the entirety of the test -- America faces a serious shortage of qualified smart-weapon pilots (SWPs).

A possible solution to the problem may lie with Microsoft. Bill Gates has volunteered the services of his Xbox unit to provide SWPs.

"The kids who play Xbox games are masters of joysticks, steering wheels and control pads," Gates claimed. "If anyone's going to get those rockets to where they belong, it's these jerks."

Gates reportedly wanted $100,000 per pilot, but lowered it to $75,000 when Sony's Playstation unit undercut the bid.

But Pentagon officials are skeptical of Xbox and Playstation SWPs.

"Most of them kids are too fatty fat to fit in a rocket," Rumsfeld said. He noted that, while their body grease often made it easy to stuff them into rockets, their weight often overwhelmed the rocket's ability to fly beyond 10 yards.

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