Smart Weapons Failing Standardized Tests,
Serious Shortage Looms
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- A series of failing grades by America's children
will have a devastating effect on the United States' ability
to protect its "national interests," according to the
Department of Defense.
Nearly 300,000 students in the 4th, 5th and 7th grades
took the National Achievement Test (NAT) last year, and nearly
200,000 failed it. It's the fifth straight year NAT stores have
"Such results account for the inability
of our latest-generation smart weapons to actually find their
targets in Iraq and contain their damage in a manner that would
prevent collateral damage," declared Secretary of Defense
"It's critical to our nation's defense
that we get these grades back up," he continued.
Smart weapons, it turns out, aren't computer-aided,
but instead are piloted by people. Footage of the first smart
weapon made its way into the critically acclaimed film, Dr. Strangelove,
much to the Pentagon's dismay.
Nowadays, however, smart weapons are piloted
from the inside by children who pass the NAT test.
"We use kids because they're smaller,"
explained Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz, a demon
recently summoned back from the fiery pits of Hell.
"They fit better, aren't seen by the
public and make a great sacrifice to Satan, my Dark Lord,"
But with the inability of the nation's
youth to spell their name correctly using the fill-in-the-bubble
system -- which represents the entirety of the test -- America
faces a serious shortage of qualified smart-weapon pilots (SWPs).
A possible solution to the problem may
lie with Microsoft. Bill Gates has volunteered the services of
his Xbox unit to provide SWPs.
"The kids who play Xbox games are
masters of joysticks, steering wheels and control pads,"
Gates claimed. "If anyone's going to get those rockets to
where they belong, it's these jerks."
Gates reportedly wanted $100,000 per pilot,
but lowered it to $75,000 when Sony's Playstation unit undercut
But Pentagon officials are skeptical of
Xbox and Playstation SWPs.
"Most of them kids are too fatty fat
to fit in a rocket," Rumsfeld said. He noted that, while
their body grease often made it easy to stuff them into rockets,
their weight often overwhelmed the rocket's ability to fly beyond
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