Wednesday, October 1, 4:01 PM PST

Chinese Spacecraft Involved in Space Rage Incident

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

BEIJING -- China started the day celebrating its entry into the space-faring community by sending "taikonauts" into orbit this morning. Now the communist nation is embroiled in a dispute with the U.S. and Russia over an alleged space-rage incident.

In particular, American astronauts and Russian cosmonauts accuse Chinese spacefarers of flying their new spacecraft unsafely while shouting at the occupants of the International Space Station (ISS).

"I was cleaning solar panels when, out of nowhere, comes this Chinese space capsule, racing by like they own the place," said Astronaut Michael Foale.

"Those guys, they fly -- as you Americans say -- like complete jerk asses, nyet?" said Cosmonaut Alexander Kaleri.

"If I know my Chinese like I think I do, they said, 'We rule the space-lanes!' or something like that," Foale added. "They were calling us bad words, too."

Foale claims to have ignored the cursing and erratic flying until the taikonauts stepped out with baseball bats -- at which point, he felt compelled to defend himself.

"But when the Chinese whoresons step out of capsule to fight," Kaleri said, "we kick some ass, no?"

"Hell yeah, dude!" Foale replied.

The resulting brawl sent the the Chinese spacecraft plummeting to Earth.

China, however, disputes the ISS personnel's version of the story.

"It is with great regret that China must announce the jealous intentions of imperialist America and its lapdog Russia to keep all of outer space to themselves," announced Luan Enjie, head of the China National Space Administration (CNSA).

According to the CNSA, the taikonauts were simply flying through low Earth orbit, enjoying the sites, when suddenly the ISS cut into its trajectory without warning.

"They didn't signal or anything," claimed Zheng Zhu Wang, commander of the Chinese mission.

Zheng admitted that he'd called the ISS crew "sons of capitalist dogs," but that was all. Zheng also claims that he and his crew wouldn't have emerged from their spacecraft to brawl with their fellow space travelers if they hadn't been forced to.

"That's total horseshit," George W. Bush declared in response to China's charge of American space rage.

Bush also indicated that he would not pay a bill for $20,000 -- the cost of the Chinese spacecraft -- that China is sending to him, claiming the U.S. is not responsible for aggressive Chinese pilots.

"It's pretty clear the CNSA needs to put its pilots through an anger-management course," he added. "Ain't it true that the Chinese made and blew up the first fireworks? Guess they took their hotheadedness to the stars."

"Is it not true that the Americans made and blew up the first atomic bombs?" countered Chinese Premier Wen Jiabao. "The U.S. should not talk about heated heads so quickly!"

Bush did not respond, but did note that China had better watch out when sending taikonauts into space, because "place is a dangerous space."

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