1, 4:01 PM PST
Chinese Spacecraft Involved in Space Rage
BEIJING -- China
started the day celebrating its entry into the space-faring community
by sending "taikonauts" into orbit this morning. Now
the communist nation is embroiled in a dispute with the U.S.
and Russia over an alleged space-rage incident.
particular, American astronauts and Russian cosmonauts accuse
Chinese spacefarers of flying their new spacecraft unsafely
while shouting at the occupants of the International Space Station
"I was cleaning solar panels when,
out of nowhere, comes this Chinese space capsule, racing by like
they own the place," said Astronaut Michael Foale.
"Those guys, they fly -- as you Americans
say -- like complete jerk asses, nyet?" said Cosmonaut
"If I know my Chinese like I think
I do, they said, 'We rule the space-lanes!' or something like
that," Foale added. "They were calling us bad words,
Foale claims to have ignored the cursing
and erratic flying until the taikonauts stepped out with baseball
bats -- at which point, he felt compelled to defend himself.
"But when the Chinese whoresons step
out of capsule to fight," Kaleri said, "we kick some
"Hell yeah, dude!" Foale replied.
The resulting brawl sent the the Chinese
spacecraft plummeting to Earth.
OTHER SIDE OF STORY
China, however, disputes the ISS personnel's version of the story.
"It is with great regret that China
must announce the jealous intentions of imperialist America and
its lapdog Russia to keep all of outer space to themselves,"
announced Luan Enjie, head of the China National Space Administration
According to the CNSA, the taikonauts were
simply flying through low Earth orbit, enjoying the sites, when
suddenly the ISS cut into its trajectory without warning.
"They didn't signal or anything,"
claimed Zheng Zhu Wang, commander of the Chinese mission.
Zheng admitted that he'd called the ISS
crew "sons of capitalist dogs," but that was all. Zheng
also claims that he and his crew wouldn't have emerged from their
spacecraft to brawl with their fellow space travelers if they
hadn't been forced to.
GOVERNMENTS GET INTO IT
"That's total horseshit," George W. Bush declared in
response to China's charge of American space rage.
Bush also indicated that he would not pay
a bill for $20,000 -- the cost of the Chinese spacecraft -- that
China is sending to him, claiming the U.S. is not responsible
for aggressive Chinese pilots.
"It's pretty clear the CNSA needs
to put its pilots through an anger-management course," he
added. "Ain't it true that the Chinese made and blew up
the first fireworks? Guess they took their hotheadedness to the
"Is it not true that the Americans
made and blew up the first atomic bombs?" countered Chinese
Premier Wen Jiabao. "The U.S. should not talk about heated
heads so quickly!"
Bush did not respond, but did note that
China had better watch out when sending taikonauts into space,
because "place is a dangerous space."
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