5, 6:27 PM PST
Bush Wants United Nations to Help Pay
Cost of Pizza
by Brent the Johnson,
UNITED NATIONS -- George
W. Bush is now calling for the United Nations to help pay for
a just-delivered pizza, despite ignoring member nation's requests
for toppings he didn't like 45 minutes ago.
the time, Bush declared he would "go it alone" and
order his own large linguica-and-jalapeno pizza "with or
without the UN's support." He also requested extra sauce.
However, the cost of the pizza is $18.56,
and Bush and the "Coalition of the Willing" -- mainly
hungry nations like Ethiopia and Eritrea -- are only able to
pony up $10.83.
One coalition member, Colombia, apparently
confused Bush when it claimed to have a "ten spot,"
which turned out to be a dime.
Normally, Bush would be able to just pay
for the pizza out of his discretionary fund, but with the U.S.
spending $3.9 billion a month in Iraq, the White House has had
to cut back on his allowance.
WORLD REACTS ALONG PARTY LINES
"Honh honh honh," French President Jacques Chirac
said upon hearing news of Bush's lack of funds. "First he
say non! non! to my request for ze anchovies, and now
he wants me to pay ze debt! Zis man, he is beyond ze words!"
"He better pay up! I just know Jack's
gonna try to snake a slice of my -- I mean, the coalition's --
pizza pie," Bush retorted angrily. "He'll just be sitting
there, being snooty and shit, then BAM! He'll stuff his fat French
"I do not like ze jalapeno,"
Chirac answered. "I do not like ze linguica. La Belle
Francais will not participate in zis pizza."
Germany thinks the United States should
be prepared to surrender some authority over the pizza to the
international community if it expects the United Nations to help
shoulder the costs of the hot, spicy, overly sauced pizza.
"Ve vill not shtand for die
United Shtates to doll out die pizza as it sees fit,"
German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder declared. "The world
must get a fair share of die pizza if die vorld
bears die price of die pizza!"
So far, Bush has declined to assure the
United Nations a fair share. Still, he won't take no for an answer.
"Hurry the fuck up, y'all," he called out. "Pizza
dude's waiting here, got a job to do."
The United Kingdom, which also does not
like jalapeno-and-linguica pizza, nevertheless contributed $2.43
to the pizza fund.
"Whatever Bush wants is good enough
for us," UK Prime Minister Tony Blair stated. "We'll
just pick off the jalapenos and linguica and wipe off the extra
Canada, which had expected to put in $1.12,
withheld its money after learning Bush didn't have Canadian bacon
added to a couple of slices, per its official request.
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