Friday, September 5, 6:27 PM PST

Bush Wants United Nations to Help Pay Cost of Pizza

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

UNITED NATIONS -- George W. Bush is now calling for the United Nations to help pay for a just-delivered pizza, despite ignoring member nation's requests for toppings he didn't like 45 minutes ago.

At the time, Bush declared he would "go it alone" and order his own large linguica-and-jalapeno pizza "with or without the UN's support." He also requested extra sauce.

However, the cost of the pizza is $18.56, and Bush and the "Coalition of the Willing" -- mainly hungry nations like Ethiopia and Eritrea -- are only able to pony up $10.83.

One coalition member, Colombia, apparently confused Bush when it claimed to have a "ten spot," which turned out to be a dime.

Normally, Bush would be able to just pay for the pizza out of his discretionary fund, but with the U.S. spending $3.9 billion a month in Iraq, the White House has had to cut back on his allowance.

"Honh honh honh," French President Jacques Chirac said upon hearing news of Bush's lack of funds. "First he say non! non! to my request for ze anchovies, and now he wants me to pay ze debt! Zis man, he is beyond ze words!"

"He better pay up! I just know Jack's gonna try to snake a slice of my -- I mean, the coalition's -- pizza pie," Bush retorted angrily. "He'll just be sitting there, being snooty and shit, then BAM! He'll stuff his fat French face!"

"I do not like ze jalapeno," Chirac answered. "I do not like ze linguica. La Belle Francais will not participate in zis pizza."

Germany thinks the United States should be prepared to surrender some authority over the pizza to the international community if it expects the United Nations to help shoulder the costs of the hot, spicy, overly sauced pizza.

"Ve vill not shtand for die United Shtates to doll out die pizza as it sees fit," German Chancellor Gerhard Schroeder declared. "The world must get a fair share of die pizza if die vorld bears die price of die pizza!"

So far, Bush has declined to assure the United Nations a fair share. Still, he won't take no for an answer. "Hurry the fuck up, y'all," he called out. "Pizza dude's waiting here, got a job to do."

The United Kingdom, which also does not like jalapeno-and-linguica pizza, nevertheless contributed $2.43 to the pizza fund.

"Whatever Bush wants is good enough for us," UK Prime Minister Tony Blair stated. "We'll just pick off the jalapenos and linguica and wipe off the extra sauce."

Canada, which had expected to put in $1.12, withheld its money after learning Bush didn't have Canadian bacon added to a couple of slices, per its official request.

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