17, 7:45 PM PST
Star Jones Gets Engaged, Eats Fiancé
LOS ANGELES-- Big lady Star Jones expressed surprise
at Sunday's NBA All-Star Game when her desperate-to-milk-the-TV-diva-for-all-she's-worth
boyfriend Al Reynolds asked her to marry him.
the largest host of The View soon provided the biggest shock
of the night, consuming her new fiancé within minutes
of being engaged.
Jones and Reynolds, a banker,
had only dated each other for four months.
Everyone in the world has concluded
that, despite his title of "banker," Reynolds wasn't
all that happy being a teller at Bank of America, and leapt at
the chance of living the high life as Jones' boytoy.
According to witnesses, Jones
accepted Reynolds proposal, hugged him tightly, sniffed his forehead,
fit his skull into her mouth, then struggled with primordial
passion as the thrashing victim fought for his life while disappearing
inch by inch into her massive, unhinged maw.
"I told her to stop, but
Star just kept grunting and drooling," said movie star Denzel
Washington, who sat near the couple. "Doubt she could hear
me through his muffled-but-still-loud shrieks of horror, anyway."
Reynolds managed to take his
fight for survival out into mid-court, interrupting the game
for nearly three minutes. But inevitably, his body was crushed
to a twitching, gelatinous pulp which Jones methodically stuffed
into her ample stomach.
Jones' fiancé is not the
first boyfriend to disappear into her mighty gullet, but never
had the one-time lawyer eaten a beau in front of television-viewing
Soon after the meal, Jones began defending her actions.
"I love to eat! I love --
erf, loved -- Al like I love a whole mess of chicken-fried
steaks, deep-fried turkeys and refried French fries, followed
by a couple Chicago-style cheesecakes topped with real whipped
cream and rich... rich fudge... mmmm, fuuudddggge..."
a tearful Jones declared moments later.
"I think I might have an
eating problem," Jones added.
-- Tucker H.
Johnson contributed to this report.
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