Thursday, May 15, 4:11 PM EST

Poll Shows Americans Still Support Bush, Still Stupid

by Brent "The Duke" Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

DES MOINES, IOWA -- Despite misgivings about a downward-spiraling economy, an upcoming tax-cut considered "dubious," and finding out that the weapons of mass destruction (WMDs) for which the U.S. invaded Iraq never existed, 70 percent of Americans still overwhelmingly support President Bush, according to a recent poll by the Des Moines Register.

The same poll also shows that 70 percent of Americans are of subnormal intelligence.

Only 42 percent of respondents felt that Bush could manage to turn the economy around, a drop of seven percentage points since last month. Only 33 percent felt that another massive tax cut favoring rich people and corporations would help the disaster that has become the American economy.

Sixty-five percent of respondents felt that, despite the lack of WMDs, it was "sweet" of Bush to go "kick some camel-jockey ass." Fully 72 percent of Americans would "enjoy drinking a cold one" with Bush and talk "war stuff" with the "Chief of the Army."

Almost 68 percent blamed Democrats for the nation's economic woes, despite 73 percent admitting that they had jobs when a Democrat was in the White House. Only 52 percent are currently employed.

Sixty-three percent felt Democrats were "traitorous pinko homo girls who want to take away our AKs and establish The People's Democratic Republic of Amerika" for delaying two of Bush's judicial nominees via filibuster -- even if one of them was a "wetback" (52 percent).

Rednecks Pretty Stupid
Most Americans are still unable to figure out where Iraq or the United States are on a map, can't distinguish the difference between "gun control" and "the right to bear arms," or repeat the name of Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf without joking about "left-coast faggots."

Nearly 95 percent of Americans didn't know that French Toast is named after its inventor, American Joseph French. Three-quarters of Americans hate France because "They's chosen to be against democracy."

The poll also showed most Americans know who Jennifer Lopez is (89 percent), but do not recognize the name of Undersecretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz (14 percent), the man most responsible for the U.S. invasion of Iraq. Most of the respondents also felt Lopez was totally hot (73 percent), but also a total bitch (77 percent).

When asked "What is the sum total of of three plus 10?", only 30 percent of Americans could answer correctly. Another 22 percent answered, "69, yeeeee haw!" while 48 percent either provided wrong answers or simply didn't answer because they were too busy yelling at their daughters to not "get knocked up by your brother or God will damn your soul to eternal hellfire, believe you me! Now get me a Bud before I slap ya upside your haid!"

Americans don't remember that Bush was not elected to the office of President (70 percent) and that Bush had only 49 percent of the popular vote (70 percent).

Fully 80 percent of the populace "didn't care" that their vote for president didn't matter because the Supreme Court made the decision for them -- however, 86 percent became "very upset" by the notion that their votes for the next "American Idol" might get tossed out if Fox Television didn't like the results.

Both polls were conducted among rural populations of America, in states colored "red" during the presidential election of 2000. There is a margin of error plus or minus two percent.


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