15, 4:11 PM EST
Poll Shows Americans Still Support Bush,
by Brent "The Duke"
MOINES, IOWA -- Despite misgivings
about a downward-spiraling economy, an upcoming tax-cut considered
"dubious," and finding out that the weapons of mass
destruction (WMDs) for which the U.S. invaded Iraq never existed,
70 percent of Americans still overwhelmingly support President
Bush, according to a recent poll by the Des Moines Register.
The same poll also shows that 70 percent
of Americans are of subnormal intelligence.
Only 42 percent of respondents felt that
Bush could manage to turn the economy around, a drop of seven
percentage points since last month. Only 33 percent felt that
another massive tax cut favoring rich people and corporations
would help the disaster that has become the American economy.
Sixty-five percent of respondents felt
that, despite the lack of WMDs, it was "sweet" of Bush
to go "kick some camel-jockey ass." Fully 72 percent
of Americans would "enjoy drinking a cold one" with
Bush and talk "war stuff" with the "Chief of the
Almost 68 percent blamed Democrats for
the nation's economic woes, despite 73 percent admitting that
they had jobs when a Democrat was in the White House. Only 52
percent are currently employed.
Sixty-three percent felt Democrats were
"traitorous pinko homo girls who want to take away our AKs
and establish The People's Democratic Republic of Amerika"
for delaying two of Bush's judicial nominees via filibuster --
even if one of them was a "wetback" (52 percent).
Rednecks Pretty Stupid
Most Americans are still unable to figure out where Iraq or the
United States are on a map, can't distinguish the difference
between "gun control" and "the right to bear arms,"
or repeat the name of Pakistani President Pervez Musharraf without
joking about "left-coast faggots."
Nearly 95 percent of Americans didn't know
that French Toast is named after its inventor, American Joseph
French. Three-quarters of Americans hate France because "They's
chosen to be against democracy."
The poll also showed most Americans know
who Jennifer Lopez is (89 percent), but do not recognize the
name of Undersecretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz (14 percent),
the man most responsible for the U.S. invasion of Iraq. Most
of the respondents also felt Lopez was totally hot (73 percent),
but also a total bitch (77 percent).
When asked "What is the sum total
of of three plus 10?", only 30 percent of Americans could
answer correctly. Another 22 percent answered, "69, yeeeee
haw!" while 48 percent either provided wrong answers or
simply didn't answer because they were too busy yelling at their
daughters to not "get knocked up by your brother or God
will damn your soul to eternal hellfire, believe you me! Now
get me a Bud before I slap ya upside your haid!"
Americans don't remember that Bush was
not elected to the office of President (70 percent) and that
Bush had only 49 percent of the popular vote (70 percent).
Fully 80 percent of the populace "didn't
care" that their vote for president didn't matter because
the Supreme Court made the decision for them -- however, 86 percent
became "very upset" by the notion that their votes
for the next "American Idol" might get tossed out if
Fox Television didn't like the results.
Both polls were conducted among rural populations
of America, in states colored "red" during the presidential
election of 2000. There is a margin of error plus or minus two
The New News
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