9, 4:26 PM PST
Sun's Mole Embroils West Virginian Town
in Witch Hunt
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Though millions of people worldwide
thrilled to the sight of Venus traversing the face of the sun
on Tuesday, residents of this rural West Virginia town cited
the event as proof that the sun is a practitioner of witchcraft
and should be treated as such.
"A mole! That there sun's
got itself a mole!" cried Sherry-Ann Jackson, the town's
librarian, as the interstellar body blotted out a tiny percentage
of the sun's face. "That's the sure-as-shootin' sign of
a witch, I tell'yer!"
Jackson also declared
she had seen the sun transforming into a black cat "just
the other day." Other town folks confirmed trying to run
down such a cat several times in their pick-up trucks.
"That critter was somethin'
else, I'll tell you what," said Porkis Smilo, Fort Ashby's
champion critter killer. "I was set on gettin' mah 50 points
on that black ass, but never done got it, which makes me think
it's gotter be the sun whose a witch who done changin' into black-cat
form, and shit."
Most of the town's population
has been evacuated into the safety of the town's Baptist church,
where its leaders have been plotting the latest witch hunt.
Witch hunts, once a not-unfamiliar
phenomenon in Colonial-era America, are generally thought to
have disappeared as the U.S. became enlightened through education
and scientific advances.
But as most of the world knows
by now, West Virginia is often the exception that proves the
rule -- especially in this town, home of Lindy England, the almost-retarded
U.S. soldier who allowed herself to be photographed humiliating
prisoners in the Iraqi prison of Abu Ghraib.
"Well, no wonder Lindy did
done do that sex-pervert stuff to them stupid Arabs," explained
Wesley Gibson, the town's mayor. "We had ourselves a witch
stinkin' us with its evil aye-yuh [eye]!"
Gibson is calling on the U.S.
Army to drop all its charges against England, issue an apology,
and take steps to address the threat presented by the newly discovered
But even as the politics behind
the witch hunt play out, the practical issues remain. An initial
foray by a posse of church elders and local police to arrest
the solar system's main source of energy came up empty-handed,
leaving many to wonder how they will catch the celestial witch.
And as time passes, other questions
continue to rock the people of Fort Ashby.
"Now, I know that we done
need to catch ourselves this here sumbitch?" said Fred Meyers,
one-time manager of the local Circle K before it burned down
"But I'ma just wonderin'
what it exactly is we gonna do when we does get our hands on
that sumbitch? Ain't that sumbitch already the hottest thang
evah? How we done gonna burn the hottest thang evah?"
The question appeared to pose
a challenge to the community, until Pastor Fred "Red"
Gibbons declared Meyers a witch and had him burned at the stake.
"Nothin's hotter than the
Lord's forgiveness of yer sins, sinner!" Pastor Gibbons
cried as Meyers was embraced in God's fiery love.
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