Wednesday, June 9, 4:26 PM PST

Sun's Mole Embroils West Virginian Town in Witch Hunt

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Though millions of people worldwide thrilled to the sight of Venus traversing the face of the sun on Tuesday, residents of this rural West Virginia town cited the event as proof that the sun is a practitioner of witchcraft and should be treated as such.

"A mole! That there sun's got itself a mole!" cried Sherry-Ann Jackson, the town's librarian, as the interstellar body blotted out a tiny percentage of the sun's face. "That's the sure-as-shootin' sign of a witch, I tell'yer!"

Jackson also declared she had seen the sun transforming into a black cat "just the other day." Other town folks confirmed trying to run down such a cat several times in their pick-up trucks.

"That critter was somethin' else, I'll tell you what," said Porkis Smilo, Fort Ashby's champion critter killer. "I was set on gettin' mah 50 points on that black ass, but never done got it, which makes me think it's gotter be the sun whose a witch who done changin' into black-cat form, and shit."

Most of the town's population has been evacuated into the safety of the town's Baptist church, where its leaders have been plotting the latest witch hunt.

Witch hunts, once a not-unfamiliar phenomenon in Colonial-era America, are generally thought to have disappeared as the U.S. became enlightened through education and scientific advances.

But as most of the world knows by now, West Virginia is often the exception that proves the rule -- especially in this town, home of Lindy England, the almost-retarded U.S. soldier who allowed herself to be photographed humiliating prisoners in the Iraqi prison of Abu Ghraib.

"Well, no wonder Lindy did done do that sex-pervert stuff to them stupid Arabs," explained Wesley Gibson, the town's mayor. "We had ourselves a witch stinkin' us with its evil aye-yuh [eye]!"

Gibson is calling on the U.S. Army to drop all its charges against England, issue an apology, and take steps to address the threat presented by the newly discovered threat.

But even as the politics behind the witch hunt play out, the practical issues remain. An initial foray by a posse of church elders and local police to arrest the solar system's main source of energy came up empty-handed, leaving many to wonder how they will catch the celestial witch.

And as time passes, other questions continue to rock the people of Fort Ashby.

"Now, I know that we done need to catch ourselves this here sumbitch?" said Fred Meyers, one-time manager of the local Circle K before it burned down last year.

"But I'ma just wonderin' what it exactly is we gonna do when we does get our hands on that sumbitch? Ain't that sumbitch already the hottest thang evah? How we done gonna burn the hottest thang evah?"

The question appeared to pose a challenge to the community, until Pastor Fred "Red" Gibbons declared Meyers a witch and had him burned at the stake.

"Nothin's hotter than the Lord's forgiveness of yer sins, sinner!" Pastor Gibbons cried as Meyers was embraced in God's fiery love.

Comment in the forum
(no registration required)

Inbred Redneck Pig-Rapers Shocked, Surprised by U.S. Torture Allegations

NOAA Secretly Hating NASA Right Now

The New News | No Apologies! Press

Copyright © 2004, No Apologies! Press
The New News: Satire for the Unwashed Masses