Wednesday, May 18, 11:26 AM PST

Pentagon: U.S. Torture More Consumer Friendly Than Saddam's

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Attempting to quell the firestorm surrounding graphic photographs that demonstrate the U.S. military's readiness to torture Iraqi prisoners, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld is now claiming that Iraqis "much prefer" the Pentagon's system of torture over that of Saddam Hussein.

"The truth is, people there just love the system," the secretary said. "It's a much, much better system. Just because the media has painted a bleak picture of the situation over there, it doesn't mean it's not good, especially for Iraqis."

To back up his claims, Rumsfeld produced photos showing Iraqis and their prison guards "enjoying each other's company," as well as Iraqi witnesses who had experienced torture under both Americans and Iraqis.

"Without a doubt, I embrace America's style of aggressive investigation over Saddam's brutal sadism," stated Azib Hamid, 21, speaking woodenly and casting furtive glances over his shoulders.

"That's right he does!" Rumsfeld said, patting the flinching Iraqi on the shoulder. "And why is that, buddy?"

"PLEASE! NO MORE HURT, NO MORE!" Hamid cried, struggling in his wheelchair.

"Just answer the question," Rumsfeld replied through gritted teeth.

"In the old days, prison guards would hang me upside down and whack the soles of my feet until blood and plasma showered my face," Hamid stammered. "Nowadays, Americans just hang me upside down and whack my feet until only plasma showers my face. It is much better."

"Much better?" Rumsfeld asked. "That's all?"

"It's much, much better!" Hamid cried.

Choose Your Own Torture
Other Iraqi witnesses/victims touted the freedom of choice that American soldiers introduced at the Iraqi prison of Abu Ghraib.

"The Americans, they ask me, 'You wanna stand nude for an indeterminate amount of time in a position in which you can neither rest nor sleep for days on end, or do you want us to chain your naked Arab ass against a metal bedframe in a freezing cell with women's underwear pulled over your face, again for an indeterminate amount of time?'" said Mohamed Tarik, 18, who added that both options featured dozens of ice-cold bucket showers and regular urine hosing.

"This chance to choose how I would suffer heinously at the hands of American military personnel was quite refreshing and innovative," Tarik continued. "Saddam's guys, they didn't care about customer service."

Chicks Dig It
Yet another reason Iraqi victims apparently prefer the American style of torture is the chance to be humiliated by women.

"You know, it's weird what the presence of a woman can do," Maket Khalid, 27, said under Rumsfeld's watchful eye.

"Even a coarse, disgusting, chain-smoking female from Rural America can help defuse a tense situation, even when they're dragging you around on leashes and stacking you into naked human pyramids."

Rumsfeld, for his part, appeared to back away from statements he made earlier this week, in which he decried the abuse of Iraqi prisoners.

"A free people is free to choose how they're methodically abused, sexually humiliated, psychologically scarred, so and so forth," the secretary declared.

"We give Iraqis demonstrably less painful administrations of pain, the freedom of choice and the chance to work with people of the other gender. If that isn't an improvement of the human condition, I just don't know what is."

Americans nationwide appeared to be appeased by the Pentagon's latest explanation.

"Hey man, I'm just glad we're bringing our democratic values to a country starved for freedom and consumer awareness," said Peter Snojberg, a mechanic in Minneapolis. "Next thing you know, they'll be comparison shopping on Amazon. Go USA!"

Reports that Burger King want to license images of American soldiers torturing Iraqis for its "Have It Your Way" ad campaign remain unconfirmed.

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