18, 11:26 AM PST
Pentagon: U.S. Torture More Consumer Friendly
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Attempting to quell the firestorm surrounding
graphic photographs that demonstrate the U.S. military's readiness
to torture Iraqi prisoners, Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld
is now claiming that Iraqis "much prefer" the Pentagon's
system of torture over that of Saddam Hussein.
"The truth is, people there just
love the system," the secretary said. "It's
a much, much better system. Just because the media has painted
a bleak picture of the situation over there, it doesn't mean
it's not good, especially for Iraqis."
To back up his claims, Rumsfeld
produced photos showing Iraqis and their prison guards "enjoying
each other's company," as well as Iraqi witnesses who had
experienced torture under both Americans and Iraqis.
"Without a doubt, I embrace
America's style of aggressive investigation over Saddam's brutal
sadism," stated Azib Hamid, 21, speaking woodenly and casting
furtive glances over his shoulders.
"That's right he does!"
Rumsfeld said, patting the flinching Iraqi on the shoulder. "And
why is that, buddy?"
"PLEASE! NO MORE HURT, NO
MORE!" Hamid cried, struggling in his wheelchair.
"Just answer the question,"
Rumsfeld replied through gritted teeth.
"In the old days, prison
guards would hang me upside down and whack the soles of my feet
until blood and plasma showered my face," Hamid stammered.
"Nowadays, Americans just hang me upside down and whack
my feet until only plasma showers my face. It is much better."
"Much better?" Rumsfeld
asked. "That's all?"
"It's much, much
better!" Hamid cried.
Choose Your Own Torture
Other Iraqi witnesses/victims touted the freedom of choice that
American soldiers introduced at the Iraqi prison of Abu Ghraib.
"The Americans, they ask
me, 'You wanna stand nude for an indeterminate amount of time
in a position in which you can neither rest nor sleep for days
on end, or do you want us to chain your naked Arab ass against
a metal bedframe in a freezing cell with women's underwear pulled
over your face, again for an indeterminate amount of time?'"
said Mohamed Tarik, 18, who added that both options featured
dozens of ice-cold bucket showers and regular urine hosing.
"This chance to choose how
I would suffer heinously at the hands of American military personnel
was quite refreshing and innovative," Tarik continued. "Saddam's
guys, they didn't care about customer service."
Chicks Dig It
Yet another reason Iraqi
victims apparently prefer the American style of torture is the
chance to be humiliated by women.
"You know, it's weird what
the presence of a woman can do," Maket Khalid, 27, said
under Rumsfeld's watchful eye.
"Even a coarse, disgusting,
chain-smoking female from Rural America can help defuse a tense
situation, even when they're dragging you around on leashes and
stacking you into naked human pyramids."
Rumsfeld, for his part, appeared
to back away from statements he made earlier this week, in which
he decried the abuse of Iraqi prisoners.
"A free people is free to
choose how they're methodically abused, sexually humiliated,
psychologically scarred, so and so forth," the secretary
"We give Iraqis demonstrably
less painful administrations of pain, the freedom of choice and
the chance to work with people of the other gender. If that isn't
an improvement of the human condition, I just don't know what
Americans nationwide appeared
to be appeased by the Pentagon's latest explanation.
"Hey man, I'm just glad
we're bringing our democratic values to a country starved for
freedom and consumer awareness," said Peter Snojberg,
a mechanic in Minneapolis. "Next thing you know, they'll
be comparison shopping on Amazon. Go USA!"
Reports that Burger King want
to license images of American soldiers torturing Iraqis for its
"Have It Your Way" ad campaign remain unconfirmed.