Monday, June 14,
12:00 AM PST
Tribute to Ronald "Not McDonald"
BERKELEY, Calif. -- The Gipper has died, and although
most of the media somehow managed to hide their hateful liberalist
opinions in order to deliver fitting and deserved memorials to
the man many of us knew simply as "Ronnie," a modicum
of dissent was enough to tinge this period of lovely, tragic
mourning with malicious strokes of red, pink, green and black.
Where are the cries of outrage? Where
are our defenders of capitalism, faith and the American dream?
O'Reilly, Limbaugh, Coulter, Savage, Novak, all you gentle souls,
where art thou as bad people seek to besmirch our patron saint
by dredging up the past?
(Yes, yes, you talking heads
have decried the liberals, the pinkos, the fags, the minorities,
the women, the children, the foreigners who all claim to have
been victims of Reagan's policies. But have you condemned them
If leaders of the Moral Majority
aren't ready to deal with the ultra-partisan attacks of the treasonous
left-wing commentators -- granted, most of which is found online,
as most print, radio and television outlets are owned by well
meaning and right-thinking Americans -- well, I am.
Certainly, the Reagan Administration
had its hiccups, and "mistakes were made." But the
majority of Americans who embrace an unexamined reliance of uninformed
commonsense can see past the subversive spin of the allegedly
"knowledgeable" liberal media, and bring unto ourselves
righteous justifications for Reagan's actions. For instance:
Illegally selling arms to Iran,
our nation's first terrorist-state enemy, to illegally fund terrorist
groups in Central America did mark a low point in Reagan's
presidency. But if you didn't believe Reagan when he said he
couldn't recall any details regarding anything to do with the
so-called "Iran-Contra scandal," you're heartless and
stupid. Reagan was, after all, the oldest sitting president and
a future suffer of Alzheimer's. Cut the man some slack.
Reagan's calls for "recallable"
nuclear missiles and "winnable" nuclear war, along
with the billions and billions of taxpayers' money he invested
in a pipe-dream missile-defense shield dubbed "Star Wars,"
weren't sound. But man, what if we actually could recall
missiles, win planet-devastating wars and knock weapons of mass
destruction out of the sky? That would be so cool.
I concede that if another person
had driven the nation's national debt from $900 billion to a
then-unimaginable $3 trillion, I'd probably be calling
that man a Democrat.
But when you really examine that
debt, and see that Reagan was simply doing the right thing by
slashing taxes for the ultra-rich from 80 percent to 30 percent,
and by increasing the defense budget a thousand times over to
cover such things as $640 toilet seats for the Pentagon, then
I'd say it's evident that bearing such a huge debt was a necessary
-- and patriotic -- duty. The facts speak for themselves.
Perhaps Reagan calling Jefferson
Davis -- the would-be president of a would-be Confederate nation
which fought for the right secede from the U.S. in order to enslave
African Americans -- one of his "heroes" wasn't necessarily
a good thing. But who can argue against state's rights? (And
if you get all snarky and say the Supreme Court, screw you, communist.)
His attempt to classify ketchup
and relish as "vegetables" in order to cut federal
funding for school lunches made even me, a staunch Reaganite,
smile -- as did his ideas that trees could cause pollution and
his now-famous "facts are stupid things" zinger.
But whose heart didn't melt whenever
the man smiled, declared jellybeans his favorite candy, declared
that America was a good place in a world of evil, and predicted
that tomorrow would bring a better day for this great nation
(and if you say that "better day" was a creation of
the Clinton Administration which disappeared soon after he left
office, I dare you to say that to my face, especially when I
have my .44 in hand)?
Sure, Reagan cut back on public
housing, cut back on food stamps, and tossed thousands of mental
health patients out onto the street, creating all sorts of problems
for the ever-expanding population of poor and lower middle-class
But let's face it -- just because
you're an American citizen doesn't mean the American society
should have to bear your burdens, especially if you're not contributing
to the success of the American destiny. And if any of you liberal
Christian types say something like, "Jesus would say otherwise,"
just know you're going to burn in hell forever and ever.
Ah, how I long for the halcyon
days of the Eighties, when Reagan realized a dream for this nation
that seemed as close to a heaven on Earth as we could expect:
When warfare was as far away
from American shores as Grenada, Libya and Lebanon.
When Reagan's friends -- Ferdinand
Marcos, Manuel Noriega and the fascist Argentinean generals who
were busy killing thousands of their citizens -- were America's
When AIDS was just a spreading
rumor instead of a spreading epidemic because Reagan refused
to acknowledge it as a threat to American health for nearly two
Those were the days!
I'll never forget when my father,
a mechanical engineer who had experienced falling wages throughout
the first Reagan term, came home and announced he had been laid
off due to the economic recession brought on by (according to
the press, anyway) Reagan's economic polices.
"Damn Democrats and their
overspending ways," he'd mutter throughout the rest of the
decade while he tried to compete in a marketplace that saw little
demand for his services because companies had no business because
the government, the ultimate contractor,didn't have money because
the ultra-rich and Pentagon needed their cash.
Please join The New News throughout
the week as we celebrate the memory and mourning of America's
finest, greatest, sweetest, friendliest, bestest president. If
the media isn't going to purge the dissidence from its pages
and broadcasts, rest assured, we will.
Gold bless Reagan, America, and
you (if you're a Republican).
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