DID SOMEBODY DIE?

Monday, June 14, 12:00 AM PST

Tribute to Ronald "Not McDonald" Reagan

by Brent the Johnson,
NA!P NewsWire

BERKELEY, Calif. -- The Gipper has died, and although most of the media somehow managed to hide their hateful liberalist opinions in order to deliver fitting and deserved memorials to the man many of us knew simply as "Ronnie," a modicum of dissent was enough to tinge this period of lovely, tragic mourning with malicious strokes of red, pink, green and black.

Where are the cries of outrage? Where are our defenders of capitalism, faith and the American dream? O'Reilly, Limbaugh, Coulter, Savage, Novak, all you gentle souls, where art thou as bad people seek to besmirch our patron saint by dredging up the past?

(Yes, yes, you talking heads have decried the liberals, the pinkos, the fags, the minorities, the women, the children, the foreigners who all claim to have been victims of Reagan's policies. But have you condemned them enough?)

If leaders of the Moral Majority aren't ready to deal with the ultra-partisan attacks of the treasonous left-wing commentators -- granted, most of which is found online, as most print, radio and television outlets are owned by well meaning and right-thinking Americans -- well, I am.

Certainly, the Reagan Administration had its hiccups, and "mistakes were made." But the majority of Americans who embrace an unexamined reliance of uninformed commonsense can see past the subversive spin of the allegedly "knowledgeable" liberal media, and bring unto ourselves righteous justifications for Reagan's actions. For instance:

Illegally selling arms to Iran, our nation's first terrorist-state enemy, to illegally fund terrorist groups in Central America did mark a low point in Reagan's presidency. But if you didn't believe Reagan when he said he couldn't recall any details regarding anything to do with the so-called "Iran-Contra scandal," you're heartless and stupid. Reagan was, after all, the oldest sitting president and a future suffer of Alzheimer's. Cut the man some slack.

Reagan's calls for "recallable" nuclear missiles and "winnable" nuclear war, along with the billions and billions of taxpayers' money he invested in a pipe-dream missile-defense shield dubbed "Star Wars," weren't sound. But man, what if we actually could recall missiles, win planet-devastating wars and knock weapons of mass destruction out of the sky? That would be so cool.

I concede that if another person had driven the nation's national debt from $900 billion to a then-unimaginable $3 trillion, I'd probably be calling that man a Democrat.

But when you really examine that debt, and see that Reagan was simply doing the right thing by slashing taxes for the ultra-rich from 80 percent to 30 percent, and by increasing the defense budget a thousand times over to cover such things as $640 toilet seats for the Pentagon, then I'd say it's evident that bearing such a huge debt was a necessary -- and patriotic -- duty. The facts speak for themselves.

Perhaps Reagan calling Jefferson Davis -- the would-be president of a would-be Confederate nation which fought for the right secede from the U.S. in order to enslave African Americans -- one of his "heroes" wasn't necessarily a good thing. But who can argue against state's rights? (And if you get all snarky and say the Supreme Court, screw you, communist.)

His attempt to classify ketchup and relish as "vegetables" in order to cut federal funding for school lunches made even me, a staunch Reaganite, smile -- as did his ideas that trees could cause pollution and his now-famous "facts are stupid things" zinger.

But whose heart didn't melt whenever the man smiled, declared jellybeans his favorite candy, declared that America was a good place in a world of evil, and predicted that tomorrow would bring a better day for this great nation (and if you say that "better day" was a creation of the Clinton Administration which disappeared soon after he left office, I dare you to say that to my face, especially when I have my .44 in hand)?

Sure, Reagan cut back on public housing, cut back on food stamps, and tossed thousands of mental health patients out onto the street, creating all sorts of problems for the ever-expanding population of poor and lower middle-class citizens.

But let's face it -- just because you're an American citizen doesn't mean the American society should have to bear your burdens, especially if you're not contributing to the success of the American destiny. And if any of you liberal Christian types say something like, "Jesus would say otherwise," just know you're going to burn in hell forever and ever.

Ah, how I long for the halcyon days of the Eighties, when Reagan realized a dream for this nation that seemed as close to a heaven on Earth as we could expect:

When warfare was as far away from American shores as Grenada, Libya and Lebanon.

When Reagan's friends -- Ferdinand Marcos, Manuel Noriega and the fascist Argentinean generals who were busy killing thousands of their citizens -- were America's friends.

When AIDS was just a spreading rumor instead of a spreading epidemic because Reagan refused to acknowledge it as a threat to American health for nearly two terms.

Those were the days!

I'll never forget when my father, a mechanical engineer who had experienced falling wages throughout the first Reagan term, came home and announced he had been laid off due to the economic recession brought on by (according to the press, anyway) Reagan's economic polices.

"Damn Democrats and their overspending ways," he'd mutter throughout the rest of the decade while he tried to compete in a marketplace that saw little demand for his services because companies had no business because the government, the ultimate contractor,didn't have money because the ultra-rich and Pentagon needed their cash.

Please join The New News throughout the week as we celebrate the memory and mourning of America's finest, greatest, sweetest, friendliest, bestest president. If the media isn't going to purge the dissidence from its pages and broadcasts, rest assured, we will.

Gold bless Reagan, America, and you (if you're a Republican).

Comment in the forum
(no registration required)

Ronald Reagan Just Missed Wish of Watching Olsen Twins Turn 18 (Broken Newz)

Reagan's Final Lesson: America Could Be Much, Much More Productive (U.S. Press)

Movement to Canonize Reagan Stalled by Fact that He Wasn't Catholic (Watley Review)

The New News | No Apologies! Press

Copyright © 2004, No Apologies! Press
The New News: Satire for the Unwashed Masses