19, 7:45 AM EST
Turkey Raising Prices on Fucking Everything
by Hesah McToole,
ISTANBUL, TURKEY --
Shortly after Turkey required twice the amount of money the United
States was willing to give in exchange for military bases, American
tourists reported that once-cheap prices for goods and services
throughout the Islamic nation were on the rise, making them only
FUCKIN' SUCKS SHIT!" said Ted Mortenson, a tourist from
Mobile, Alabama. Mortenson shook with anger at the exorbitant
amount of money being demanded by heathens.
"I DIDN'T DONE COME TO THIS HERE FUCKIN'
STINKHOLE COUNTRY TO GET ME RIPPED OFF BY SOME CAMEL JOCKEYS
WHO WANNA CHARGE ME 41,375,000 LIRA [$25.00 U.S.] FOR A NIGHT
IN THEIR STUPID STINKHOLE HOTELS AND SHIT!"
"STUPID FUCKS!" he added.
The Turkish Lira is currently trading at
When this reporter pointed out that $25
is a deal when you consider how much a Motel 6 costs in the U.S.,
Mortensen observed, "YOU GET A FUCKING SIT-DOWN TOILET IN
A MOTEL 6, MOTHER FUCKER!"
Price of Turkish Coffee Up, Too
While Turkish and U.S. government officials haggle over the price
of basing foreign troops in a sovereign nation, Americans felt
the pinch. Martha Gard of Pensacola, Florida, noticed the rising
prices as she ordered her morning Turkish coffee.
"I WAS LIKE, HEY, I WANT MY USUAL
AND THE STUPID WAITER WAS LIKE, HUH? AND I WAS LIKE, WHAT A FUCKING
RETARD LIKE SPEAK ENGLISH ALREADY AND THEN I HAD TO BE ALL, 'I
NEEDA A TURKISHA COFFEEA' UNTIL HE GOT IT. THEN HE BROUGHT ME
"AND LIKE THE GUY CHARGED ME 248,250
LIRA [$0.15], WHEN YESTERDAY IT WAS ONLY 215,510 [$0.13].
When asked how the rising costs of goods
and services affected her view of Turkey and its people, Gard
replied, "I MEAN, IF YOU'RE GONNA TRY AND ROB ME BLIND,
LIKE, WHEN I'M A GUEST IN YOUR COUNTRY... I MEAN, WHAT'S TURKEY
GOOD FOR IF IT'S GONNA COST ME AN' ARM AND A LEG?"
Gard decided that, because of the rampant
thievery, she wouldn't leave her usual tip of 16,500 [$0.01].
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