-INTERNATIONAL

Thursday, February 19, 7:45 AM EST

Turkey Raising Prices on Fucking Everything

by Hesah McToole,
NA!P NewsWire

ISTANBUL, TURKEY -- Shortly after Turkey required twice the amount of money the United States was willing to give in exchange for military bases, American tourists reported that once-cheap prices for goods and services throughout the Islamic nation were on the rise, making them only sorta cheap.

"IT FUCKIN' SUCKS SHIT!" said Ted Mortenson, a tourist from Mobile, Alabama. Mortenson shook with anger at the exorbitant amount of money being demanded by heathens.

"I DIDN'T DONE COME TO THIS HERE FUCKIN' STINKHOLE COUNTRY TO GET ME RIPPED OFF BY SOME CAMEL JOCKEYS WHO WANNA CHARGE ME 41,375,000 LIRA [$25.00 U.S.] FOR A NIGHT IN THEIR STUPID STINKHOLE HOTELS AND SHIT!"

"STUPID FUCKS!" he added.

The Turkish Lira is currently trading at $0.00000060 U.S.

When this reporter pointed out that $25 is a deal when you consider how much a Motel 6 costs in the U.S., Mortensen observed, "YOU GET A FUCKING SIT-DOWN TOILET IN A MOTEL 6, MOTHER FUCKER!"

Price of Turkish Coffee Up, Too
While Turkish and U.S. government officials haggle over the price of basing foreign troops in a sovereign nation, Americans felt the pinch. Martha Gard of Pensacola, Florida, noticed the rising prices as she ordered her morning Turkish coffee.

"I WAS LIKE, HEY, I WANT MY USUAL AND THE STUPID WAITER WAS LIKE, HUH? AND I WAS LIKE, WHAT A FUCKING RETARD LIKE SPEAK ENGLISH ALREADY AND THEN I HAD TO BE ALL, 'I NEEDA A TURKISHA COFFEEA' UNTIL HE GOT IT. THEN HE BROUGHT ME MY COFFEE."

"AND LIKE THE GUY CHARGED ME 248,250 LIRA [$0.15], WHEN YESTERDAY IT WAS ONLY 215,510 [$0.13].

When asked how the rising costs of goods and services affected her view of Turkey and its people, Gard replied, "I MEAN, IF YOU'RE GONNA TRY AND ROB ME BLIND, LIKE, WHEN I'M A GUEST IN YOUR COUNTRY... I MEAN, WHAT'S TURKEY GOOD FOR IF IT'S GONNA COST ME AN' ARM AND A LEG?"

Gard decided that, because of the rampant thievery, she wouldn't leave her usual tip of 16,500 [$0.01].


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