22, 4:09 PM PST
Bush to UN: "Gimme Your Money Cuz
Y'all Just Stupid"
UNITED NATIONS -- In
a 22-minute speech to member nations of the UN, George W. Bush
announced that "y'all dumb fucks, so just gimme your money."
"Cuz, er... we're smarter than, uh...
you," Bush continued.
The speech was meant to convince the rest of the world
to provide money for the continued U.S. occupation of Iraq.
In exchange, the rest of the world would
get nothing -- a situation that had caused consternation among
some of the White House staff.
"They was all, 'But what are them
UN members gonna get outta the deal?' and I was all, 'Damn people,
they justa buncha stupid sonavabitches," Bush explained,
meeting with quiet applause.
Bush went on to decry just how stupid France,
Germany, Russia and most nations of the world who didn't support
the U.S. invasion of Iraq last March were and continue to be.
"Man, y'all sooo dumb, it's
really unbeliebacable," Bush said. "Man, y'all didn't
want to invadicate Iraq but we did anyway cuz y'all's too stupid
to know how good it was for you."
Bush went on to declare the U.S. as "the
good guys" and everyone else as "a buncha damned alien
Attendees to Bush's address were impressed
with the strength of Bush's presentation, as well as with the
complimentary copy of "Dealing With American Hegemony for
Dummies" that each nation received.
GETS DOWN TO DETAILS
Once Bush had explained how moronic the United Nations' membership
in general was, he focused on the particulars.
"France, what can I say about them
'cept that they a buncha cheese-eating surrender monkeys,"
Bush said. "Man, I can't believe ya didn't roll over when
we tolds you to fall in line. Just shows what brilliantitians
y'all is, I guess."
Bush continued by describing Germany as
a "buncha stupids AND whiners, my friends" and Russia
as "big-time el stupidos, mi amigos."
The Leader of the Free World spent most
of his speech pointing out the mental deficiencies of other nations
that were not part of the so-called Coalition of the Willing,
ranging from "Adiotic Algeria" to "Zippy the Zimbabwe-Head."
However, Bush did surprise the United Nations by providing a
concession to France, should it help provide the U.S. with the
international funds it needs to maintain power in Iraq.
"Look, don't get me wrong cuz y'all
are traitors to America, but if'n y'all get us the $87 billion
-- in Murican money, that is -- I'll make sure them pusses in
the House change 'Freedom fries' back to 'French fries,' you
betcha," Bush declared.
Representatives Bill Ney (R-Ohio) and Walter
Jones (R-N.C.), who were responsible for renaming the fried-potato
snack in the House cafeteria, refused to comment for this story.
France, however, had plenty to say.
"I think ze president, with his willingness
to now make ze concessions, he make his case," said an enthusiastic
Jean-David Levitte, the French ambassador to the U.N.
"Plus, once we reads zis cool new
book, it iz my opinion zat ze French will want to give ze Etats
Unis all ze money zey need, non?"
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