4, 3:59 PM PST
Iraqis Declare "Democracy Best!"
After Watching MTV Video Awards
by Brent the Johnson,
IRAQ -- After years of cultural isolation, Iraqis experienced
another historic moment with their first official viewing of
the MTV Music Video Awards.
The effects were immediate: Thousands of
Iraqis who had expressed reservations regarding America's invasion
and occupation of their country now embrace the United States
as a model for their political and cultural future.
"USA, USA!" chanted Iraqis upon
seeing superstars Madonna and Britney Spears making out during
a performance on the award show.
"Who needs to be fed honey cakes by
67 virgins in heaven when you can watch Madonna and Britney slather
one another's tongue with spittle?" wondered a wide-eyed
Ali Khalimad, a one-time banker who now sells ammunition on the
"Democracy the best! I can't wait
for the day when I can vote for my favorite music videos,"
Khalimad added. "Beyonce, she is hot in my house, I tell
you straight up, homey!"
U.S. Authorities, MTV
"This is a great day for democracy in Iraq," said Paul
Bremmer, head of the Coalition Provisional Authority that currently
"The sooner we can sate the public's
lust for sex on TV, the faster they'll fall in line, and we think
you'll be a key partner in that endeavor," Bremmer concluded.
He didn't seem to notice the microphone was still on as he addressed
Byron Grimaldi, the vice-president of MTV Asia.
Grimaldi is proud to have served Iraqis
a dollop of cutting-edge American culture.
"Everyone -- even Muslamics -- deserves
a chance to see superstar chicks get it on with each other, yo,"
"It was a challenge dubbing the show
into Arabic and Kurdish, but with MTV Middle East due out next
summer, we think the effort's well worth it, my bitches and dawgs."
Grimaldi would neither confirm or deny
a rumored MTV Movie production featuring Spears and Madonna in
a sexy super-spy flick, tentatively entitled "Into the Groove."
Can The Good Feelings
However, the pro-America
feelings were almost derailed when Madonna slapped tongues with
pop-star Christina Aguilera, earning a collective "UGH"
from the Iraqi masses.
"Aguilera, she a skank-ass ho,"
"And you see her when she was fat?
Allah alive, talk about a camel face."
Aguilera would not return calls for comment.
The New News
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