19, 2:38 PM PST
Task Force 122 Seeking Dubya's Wallet
Crawford, TX -- Task Force 121, the super-elite Special
Forces unit that combines Delta Force, Navy SEALs, and CIA operatives,
was formed for a single purpose: To capture or kill Saddam Hussein
and Osama bin Laden. Half of that goal was realized in December,
when Saddam Hussein was taken out of a dirty spider hole and
into U.S. custody.
Now, Task Force 121 has been
reshaped into Task Force 122. Its sole mission: Find George
W. Bush's wallet.
lost it somewhere when he was out walking the ranch," White
House Press Secretary Scott McClellan said, referring to Bush's
expansive Crawford Texas property.
"He looked for it. The Secret
Service looked for it. But we couldn't find it. Now we need these
guys to come in and get the job done right, just like they did
Several military-style helicopters
could be seen landing at the Crawford property during the night.
As has been the case in the past, the Pentagon won't confirm
exactly which Special Forces units make up Task Force 122, or
even if they were in Texas.
"Let's just say that they
are the best of the best," Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld
explained. "I'm not going to say any more because we do
not comment on Special Forces operations. But let me just say
-- these guys got Saddam. If we want them to, they will get
the chief's wallet back."
If the make up of Task Force
122 is similar to the make up of Task Force 121, then the operatives
will be a mixture of fighting power and intelligence gatherers.
"We don't believe the wallet
has been destroyed," a Pentagon source said on the condition
of anonymity. "We also don't believe that the wallet is
out there on its own. We believe that someone is hiding the
wallet, helping it stay hidden. And with Texas being where it
is, the wallet could very well have slipped across the border
(into Mexico) already."
Members Task Force 122 have interviewed
Most members of the ranch's staff regarding the wallet's disappearance,
and are believed to be combing through hundreds of pages of intelligence.
They may also be crawling around on their knees in fields and
pastures, looking for the wallet directly.
Bush hinted at the importance
of this mission during his address to the nation on Tuesday night.
"The lessons of 9-11 --
one lesson was we must deal with is gathering threats, and that's
part of the reason I dealt with Iraq the way I did. The other
lesson is, is that this country must go on the offense and stay
on the offense. How am I supposed to stay on the offense without
my wallet? You tell me that? I mean, its got my driver's license
in there and my insurance card."
Bush's wallet is also believed
to contain a condom and a picture of his mother. One theory speculates
that he may have lost it when he turned out his pockets, joking
with Dick Cheney that he was as poor as his ranch hands.
(no registration required)
The New News
| No Apologies! Press
Copyright © 2004, No Apologies!
The New News:
Satire for the Unwashed Masses