18, 7:59 AM PST
Christian God Blames Retirement on Bad
Luck, Gay Marriages
HEAVEN, Ohio -- In what is being labelled "an unprecedented
move," Yahweh (God of the Old Testament, Christian faith)
has openly announced his retirement from godhood.
will, however, continue enjoy benefits of the job.
"It's mostly stuff like free dental privileges or shopping
at discount places," Yahweh elaborated when asked what benefits
the job of Creator Of The Universe carried with it. "Stuff
like that. Of course, I also get to cut in lines at the local
nightclubs. And you wouldn't believe how much Angel Dust
I've snorted from the asses of hookers after I've flashed my
complimentary Angelican Express card first! You're not gonna
print that last part, are you?"
Yahweh's career has been steadily declining as of late, leading
the former Demiurge to begin appearing on late-night television
infomercials advertising suspicious holistic health products,
including "Attuning Pranic Energy Healing Crystals"
and "Pure Weed Herbal Incense Bliss For Your Aging
Hippie Fucker Ass, You Stupid New-Age Stoner Fuck, You"
-- gigs which the former God describes as "Like, way below
my dignity, man."
"Yeah," Yahweh said later, "I wasn't too pleased
about it, but hey, what can you do? Gotta pay the rent, right?"
Surprisingly, Yahweh's status as a former celebrity did not strike
home with viewers and soon His employer, Complete Holistic Fucking
Bullshit, Inc., went belly-up in December, 2003.
"I just couldn't believe it," said Yahweh. "If
it hadn't been for the fact that I can spontaneously create locusts,
I would probably have been dead by now. They're a bit crunchy,
but after a while you don't even notice the taste anymore. Of
course, being able to turn water into liquor helped too."
Yahweh now wants to start a new
career, far removed from Godhood. "Maybe as a pimp,"
And what was the reason behind His rapid downfall?
"Gay marriages," Yahweh answered. "Man, that shit
pisses me off! I don't know why, it just does! All that acceptance,
love and equality for all humans... it makes me want to smite,
smite, smite people with big-ass lightning bolts all day long!
I would, too, if I could afford to pay my electric bill."
Strange as it sounds, Yahweh thinks there may also be another
reason for his fall from Divinity.
"Yeah man, a hex," the former God exclaimed. "Never
look at the backside of a mirror, because when you do it'll affect
your future. Because you're looking at your inner self, and you
don't recognize it, because you've never seen it before! The
most important thing, though, is the goddamn hat. The goddamn
hat on the bed is the king of 'em all!"
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