Selections
The Book of the VIP Frankie & Johnny from R.F. Laird's The Boomer Bible
And for further info on The Boomer Bible, check out BoomerBible.com.
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CHAPTER 1
There was another VIP named Frankie & Johnny
2 Who thought a lot about the way things were going,
3 And figured it all out,
4 And wrote it down in some very important books and plays,
5 That changed the world.CHAPTER 2
All by himself, Frankie & Johnny figured out that
2 To all intents and purposes,
3 He was all by himself.
4 For example, he figured out that you couldn't prove there had ever been a God,
5 And if there ever had been a God,
6 He must be crazy or dead by now,
7 Because just look at how insane everything was,
8 With all the wars,
9 And the diseases,
10 And the suffering,
11 And so on.
12 Besides, you really couldn't even prove that anything existed in the first place,
13 At all,
14 Except yourself,
15 As if it mattered,
16 In a godless, insane world.
17 And so he decided to write comedy.CHAPTER 3
In order to write good comedy, Frankie & Johnny first had to discover the best comedy plot,
2 Which he did.
3 The plot he discovered was based on a situation in which you couldn't win,
4 No matter what.CHAPTER 4
For example, it might be that the comic hero was suddenly turned into a giant insect,
2 For no reason at all,
3 But had to come to terms with it anyway,
4 Because what can you do?CHAPTER 5
Or it might be that the comic hero was trapped inside some indeterminate limbo,
2 And couldn't get out,
3 Because there wasn't any exit,
4 And had to come to terms with it,
5 Because what can you do?CHAPTER 6
Or, it might be that the comic hero was charged with some unknown crime,
2 And couldn't get off,
3 Because no one would ever tell him what he had been charged with,
4 Or who the judge and jury were,
5 But had to come to terms with it anyway,
6 Including the part about getting executed on the last page,
7 Still not having any idea what it was all about,
8 Because what can you do?CHAPTER 7
And when Frankie & Johnny had written quite a lot of comedies based on this plot,
2 He started to get concerned.
3 What if someone started accusing him of repeating himself,
4 Or not really having all that much to say,
5 Or of being depressing?
6 And he worried about this quite a lot,
7 While enjoying one of his few leisure-time pursuits,
8 Namely, Russian Roulette,
9 And Frankie & Johnny was thinking that his next story was going to be a lot like his last story,
10 And was that a problem?
11 When the bullet in his revolver suddenly spoke out loud,
12 Bringing great news from the future.CHAPTER 8
Your worries are groundless (said the bullet), for I have seen the future, and you will be regarded as a great writer for years and years and years to come.
2 Indeed, you have been most favored among men,
3 For your plot is the one true plot,
4 And will be the basis of all future literature,
5 Until the very end of literature,
6 And maybe even a few decades longer than that.CHAPTER 9
Of course, there will be many variations on your discovery,
2 And the initials of the comic heroes will change,
3 As will the details of the situation they can't get out of,
4 But the essential truth of your vision will be confirmed and celebrated by hundreds of brilliantly talented writers to come,
5 Because once the truth has been finally and completely discovered,
6 What else is there to write about?CHAPTER 10
For example, there will come a great writer who will discover the literary value of having two comic heroes,
2 Trapped inside some indeterminate limbo,
3 Waiting for someone to show up,
4 Who never shows up,
5 But they have to come to terms with it anyway,
6 Because what can you do?CHAPTER 11
Another great writer will discover the literary value of having a comic hero trapped in a real-life situation he can't get out of,
2 Like a war in some worthless and unimportant foreign country,
3 Where you have to blow up a bridge that doesn't really matter,
4 Except that you said you would,
5 Even if it kills you,
6 Which it will,
7 Because what can you do?CHAPTER 12
And still another great writer will discover the literary value of having a comic hero trapped in some worthless and unimportant foreign city,
2 While they're having a plague,
3 Which means you can't get out,
4 Even though it doesn't have anything to do with you,
5 Except that you'll die there,
6 Along with everybody else,
7 Because what can you do?CHAPTER 13
And there will be yet another great writer who will discover the literary value of having a comic hero who is actually funny,
2 While trapped in a situation he can't get out of, of course,
3 Because the funniest part of the comedy is that it seems like you might be able to get out,
4 Since all you have to do to get out is be declared insane,
5 Except that that doesn't work,
6 Because if you tell them you're insane to get out, they'll know you're sane enough to want to get out,
7 And if you don't tell them you're insane, they're not allowed to let you out.
8 And so the remarkably clever punch line of the joke is that you have to come to terms with it,
9 Because what can you do?CHAPTER 14
And this will inspire other great writers to explore the literary value of making comic heroes be funny,
2 Which is a kind of reassurance,
3 Since it suggests that everyone is really in the same boat,
4 Which is to say, all alone.
5 And there will be writers whose comic heroes become trapped in a comical world of lust,
6 Where if you keep masturbating, you can't have love,
7 But if you stop masturbating, it won't help,
8 So you have to come to terms with it,
9 Because what can you do?
10 And there will be other writers whose comic heroes are trapped in hilariously funny indeterminate limbos,
11 Like the Trojan Horse,
12 And the only way out is through the horse's anus,
13 And you know what that means,
14 But you might as well come to terms with it,
15 Because what can you do?
16 And there will be writers whose comic heroes are trapped in wryly humorous suburban lifestyles,
17 Which they can't get out of,
18 Since when you live in the suburbs what else is there?
19 And so they have to come to terms with it,
20 Because what can you do?CHAPTER 15
And there will be still other great writers who realize that if all plots are the same plot,
2 You don't need a plot at all,
3 Or a story at all,
4 Because everybody already knows what it is.
5 And besides, if we're all basically on our own,
6 That is, alone in an insane godless universe,
7 Then who are you writing for anyway?
8 In fact, you may as well write something just for yourself,
9 With allusions that only mean something to you,
10 And who cares if nobody understands one word of it,
11 Since the writer can't be sure that anybody else even exists,
12 And so what if they do,
13 Because everyone with half an education knows what the story is about already,
14 Even if it's not a story but a vignette,
15 And even if it's not a narrative but a random gush of nonsense,
16 Which it doesn't matter if nobody understands,
17 As long as it sounds literary,
18 Meaning there's no way to figure it out for sure and you just have to come to terms with it somehow,
19 No matter how depressing it gets,
20 Or how awful,
21 Or how pointless,
Just like life.CHAPTER 16
And when the bullet had said these and other things,
2 Including naming a lot of names,
3 And even some specific titles,
4 Frankie & Johnny felt a lot better,
5 About everything,
6 Except life, of course,
7 Which the bullet finally mentioned in passing,
8 On its way out through the window,
9 Saying, "Believe it or not,
10 "A great prophet will come,
11 "And explain everything,
12 "Someday,
13 "But not in time to hurt your royalties."
14 And then Frankie & Johnny lit up a giant cigar,
15 And sat back to think up new literature for the ages.