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Page 3

 "And Dungeons!"  Sweet.  The Asian chick (probably Filipino) is cute and sexily attired. But in order for my pointer to even hover over a banner, I expect a little something in return -- and this banner doesn't have any titty. That's a no-go. I hesitate... am I going to click this?  Is that chick wearing a wig?  And for all that rope, how come the flesh isn't squeezing out?  Why aren't her arms and wrists pinned?  What kind of rip-off site awaits me?  Real close, but not a clicker.

Hardcore toon action? Fuck, I can draw half a toon face with most of one tit all by myself -- I want to see some phleg-coated tentacles with barbs being rammed up some Sailor Slut's ass! And what's so "exclusive" about this shot?  Again, it's just some bitch who "might" be taking a space alien's cock of 15,000 tentacles from the rear, but she might be popping a cyst on her ass, too. Who the fuck knows? I never click on links because I'm curious -- I click on them because I'm excited to see shuddering naked cartoon chicks.

Okay, I'm not gay.  I know gay guys, and I hang out with gay guys, but I don't talk "stink finger," or "stuff the monkey" with them, any more than I discuss which brand of personal lubricant makes for the best jack-off session with other porn afficianados -- I just don't want to know, dig? So I find it difficult to EVEN FUCKING RELATE to this banner. However, from a purely objective, critical standpoint, let me say this:

If I were gay, and wanted to see dicks, cocks, twirling man-on-man tongue-wrestling, this banner still wouldn't scream, "Click me!" For one, you've only got the tips of two gross-looking dudes touching tongues. Then, the only other "titillating" shot is of a "commanding officer" taking control of the "vanguard position," but could also very well be... a butt-fucking scene. Anyway, a banner is both an advertisement, and a sampling of the wares: The wares here suck, quite simply because there's no fucking sucking. (Editor: HUH?)

Um... OK, I'm a fairly young male. I've had sex, and I look forward to having more. I have no children, but I've had a few scares. So the sight of a pregnant chick, babe or not, is NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER NEVER A FUCKING TURN-ON. The sight of this woman shrivels my dick up like a cellophane candy wrapper on a hot griddle. On top of my perfectly normal aversion to the site of pregant women, this one is fucking ugly. And, if you want me to click your motherfucking banner, have your chick act with a little class -- nobody gives me the finger and then gets a click-thru, bitch!

We've almost got something going on here, but again, we've got a banner with a total of four images going in the animated GIF, and all I, the viewer, get out of it is some pixellated titties, and something that might be a crotchshot. I need more, frankly. There are sites out there with animated shots of chicks pissing, shot from inside the toilet bowl!  And you give me sideshots of some chick who might be in a bath tub? Give me a break.

Reviewed by KING MONGO


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