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Thanks to No Apologies! Press for giving me this web space!

Tuesday, January 29, 2002

Since we've posted pics of Elves and Dwarves, here's a few Orcs for those Chaos fans out there.

posted by Chris Davenport 7:58 PM

Saturday, January 26, 2002

DwarfLover: The Comic is back. I'm hoping those yahoos over at No Apologies! can get there lazy ass act together and put up a new comic at least once every two weeks. But even at that rate, they're gonna fall way behind my scripts.
posted by Chris Davenport 11:16 PM

Tuesday, January 22, 2002

Sigh... One must admit one is flusterated by the encroachment of politics into our home, our holt. Following is a transcript of the first holt discussion. Well, "debate" is more like it. Sigh:
Lord Moderator: Discussion of the continued dominion of High Elflord Larry Pressfield over the Elves of the Greater St. Louis Metropolitan Region commences now. First to speak shall be the Elflord, followed by He Who Seeks Ascension, Mark Meyers.

Me: Thank you, Lord Moderator, may your leaves never fall.

Mark: May your grasses grow ever green.

Lord Moderator: May your trees never fall beneath the shadow of a mountain.

Me: Fellow elves! A reckoning has come upon us! It is incumbent upon you, this holt, to determine whether my continuing leadership is both needed and desirable. Sirs, I call upon you to harken back to days of yore, before my ascension. Yea, we took to the tables and rolled the dice and killed many a foe --

Assembled Elves: (murmured agreements)

Me: -- but what of character? Did we, the Elves of the Greater St. Louis Region, have any? Did we have any real relationship with our roleplayed characters? And subsquently, any real relationship between our characters? And therefore, any relationship between us, the players behind the characters?

Assembled Elves: (muted, pondering silence)

Me: I for one did not. How many times did we create, play and kill off our characters before my ascension? I must have gone through a dozen in one year alone! And since my ascension? I have had but two characters -- my current character, Brawhehem, son of Brawhehe, and -- sob! -- He Who Came Before Him, Brennan "The Fist" Morningstar...

Assembled Elves: (respectful silence)

Me (wiping away tears): SNIFF! Look at me! I wipe away tears! My face is red and puffy! To this day, I mourn the loss of my beloved Brennan. And why? Because Brennan had character. And why? Because I redefined EGSLMR to be something more than it was, a clearing house of character carnage. I brought you history, culture, background. I provided you the means by which you too, could fall in love with your characters.

Assembled Elves: (muttered agreement)

Me: You, Terrel! Hast thou not developed an even fiercer affection for Moranah the Left-Armed since Moranah's tragic loss of her right arm to that Troll?

Terrell: Me hast to agree!

Me: And you, Myron! Hast thou no love for Delphlin Dri despite his utter lack of ability in combat? Hast thou not created the most perfect, most renowned artist in Missouri? Hast thou not? And dost thou not yet enjoy interacting within our community, despite your inability to strike an orc with the blade or shoot out the eye of a human assassin?

Assembled Elves: (muttered snickering)

Myron (glaring about him): Hmph! Indeed I do, Lord Pressfield! You have my vote!

Me: I daresay all here have enjoyed my time here as Elflord. I daresay none can really complain of my leadership. Not even Ryan or Steve, whose characters' deaths -- may the Elf gods remember them -- have brought about this challenge to my rule, can say my rule has bereft them of benefit. Indeed, one would suppose that their characters' deaths wouldn't lead to this challenge had their characters simply been of the slash-and-dash sort of which we used to play before my dominion!!

Assembled Elves: (contemplative silence)

Lord Moderator: What say you, Elflord? Have you completed your statement?

Me: Aye, Lord Moderator, may your arrow fly true.

Lord Moderator: Then I shall induce Mark to step forth and say his piece!

I'll transcribe his statements in a following post...

posted by Larry Pressfield 12:15 PM

Thursday, January 17, 2002

Sounds like human politics, eh Elf? That's a pretty sad comment on your little Elf kingdom if someone can win the presidency by labeling you a Dwarf hater even though you support all that Elf crap. Do y'all just sit around and bitch about Dwarves in EGSLMR? I wish the leader of the Dwarven Hold in St Louis would join this chat.

Larry, do you have any pictures of your Elf rituals that I could post?
posted by Chris Davenport 5:16 PM

Blast him! Blast him to damnation! Mark has painted me, High Elflord of the Elves of the Greater St. Louis Metropolitan Region, as a dwarf lover. WHATEVER. The sad thing is, it's working. He's going off about how, since I became High Elflord of the EGSLMR, there's less actual adventuring and more poetry, dancing, singing -- culture stuff in general. Caught off guard, I fiercely defended the direction I've taken our holt, discussing how all these non-adventure events builds detailed background, history, a common knowledge shared by all in the club. Did that strike him as useful? NO! Instead, he says that, because of my association with this website, I've been a) polluted by the "dirt people," and b) "culturally poisoning the adventuring-strength of our club," an unwittting tool manipulated by the Dwarven Hold of Missouri to sap our holt's strength. Then (the audacity!), he pointed to me and said, "Witness my character's death during an ill-advised adventure led by him truly!" At which point I said, "Had you built up your toughness and not used up all your fate points, Trezedor would still be amongst the living, sir!" To which he said, "Toughness? That's dwarf talk!"

I think I'm in trouble...
posted by Larry Pressfield 11:48 AM

Wednesday, January 16, 2002

Why don't you dance a poem or make a posey string or something to gain favor back?
posted by Chris Davenport 6:13 PM

I thought that number of yours too low, but taking the date into account, it seems indeed you are on track. I myself saw FotR once again last night, bringing my total viewings to 18!

Indeed, Brennan had a horse, by name of Frostimir! Valiant horse, indeed. Gutted like a pig by a halfling thief just as Brennan set out on his... sigh... last adventure.

The problem with the LARP session is that it was hastily arranged and attended by only some 30 adventurers (on our side, that is). With only nine Elves there, indeed it was impossible to cover everyone -- and the dwarves did disparage our efforts to help cover them ("We can take it you pansies!" was a common refrain) so naturally we focused on our more frail Human companions. Anyway.

I will not comment on the skills of Steve and Ryan, for I am busy consolidating support to retain my title. Seems that this threat to my sovereignty is more widespread than I had forecasted.
posted by Larry Pressfield 11:55 AM

Tuesday, January 15, 2002

Well, since my last post, my viewings of the film are up to 19, sir!

And I must think that your little LARP tale is missing a few details. From my own past experiences, I would bet that the Dwarven line was not receiving the same cover from the Elven archers as the Elven lines were receiving. And I'm sure there were a few Elven mages focusing protective magicks on the Elven ranks alone. I have played in several LARP scenarios where the prejudice of the Elves has turned against them in the heat of battle. Dwarves are stout and mighty warriors that would surely stand fast against approaching hoards much longer than an Elven rank of the same numbers. Elves rely on the cover of their arrows and magick, which is a good thing, but when an approaching army notices that one section of the defenders ranks (i.e., the Dwarves) are not being backed up, they begin to send larger and stronger numbers (i.e. Trolls) against that end of the defense.

So while it may be that the Dwarven line broke, I have seen it numerous times being caused by the lack of ability Elves have to truly fight side by side with their Dwarven brothers.

It may not be so in your case. Perhaps you just have mediocre role players in the Dwarven Hold in St. Louis. Or perhaps the Elves who died were mediocre players themselves?

Larry, did Brennan "the Fist" Morningstar have a horse? The scripts for the New and Improved DwarfLover Comic is preceeding apace.
posted by Chris Davenport 5:54 PM

Fifteen times! Sir, doth thou even knowst the adventures of the Li'l Folks? I, sir, have seen it nigh 17 times!

I fear that, though the friendship of Legolas and Gimli arrears, that friendship is not made manifest until The Two Towers, the legend of Minas Tirith and Minas Morgul. Or is Minas Morgul and Isengard? I've always been confused by such puzzles. Seems to me the book should be The Three Towers.


Anyway, while we see the friendship fostering betwixt the two, it is yet to be.

But, in anticipation of the second book, I took the unseemly step of defending the Dwarven Hold of Missouri with whom we were in an uneasy alliance during a fast and loose LARP session in the streets of St. Louis. Word had it that the Chaos Hordes sent in infiltrators to disrupt the gaming of both Elf, Dwarf and Man -- such a situation could not stand, and drove all camps to protect our betwixt territories. And really, it was an easy mission -- between our Elven longbows and Dwarfish hammers, the intruders had no chance.

Alas! No battle leaves no scar! A unit of trolls burst through our lines. Well a line of dwarves. While the dwarves took only minor damage, two of the Eldar Race fell in heated battle! What good longbows against trolls??? What good, I ask!

After a thorough routing of our enemy, safe in our Elf Holt, we bespake the words of battle. Even as Steve and Ryan rolled up new characters, it was obvious there was stressed silence concerning the valiant effort by the dwarves. I spoke such words. Steve said something like, "Well, I ain't wasting another night fighting with dwarves on my flank, cause I'll just have to make a new character the next!" amongst muttered words of agreement.

Two weeks later, I awoke to a notice announcing that Ryan was running for the highest office in our gaming club -- High Elflord of the Elves of the Greater St. Louis Metropolitan Region.

For those who don't know, I, Larry Pressfield am High Elflord of the Elves of the Greater St. Louis Metropolitan Region. Indeed, I intend to remain High Elflord of the Elves of the Greater St. Louis Metropolitan Region. I will keep you posted.
posted by Larry Pressfield 3:04 PM

Friday, January 11, 2002

By the way, whoever found my site searching for 'Dragons fucking women' is sick. SICKO. PERV!

Not to mention 'Hot Gay Dwarves'. Sheesh.
posted by Chris Davenport 11:28 PM

I was floored by Lord of the Rings. All fifteen times I've sat through it. Amazing. Simply brilliant. I must concede, Legolas almost made me feel like roleplaying an elf. Almost. Although, Gimli was pretty bad assed with those throwing axes. This movie sure makes up for the fucked up way that the Dungeons and Dragons movies screwed over Dwarves. The D&D movie was completely shallow and racist in its portrayal of Dwarves and Elves. Lord of the Rings nailed these characters and their races.

Just thinking about the way Gimli and Legolas bond throughout the rest of the story makes me feel as if Larry and I will soon be the best of friends. But I don't think I'll be giving up my life for him any time soon.
posted by Chris Davenport 11:26 PM

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