Arnold Reviews ArnoCorps
(The Ultimate Review of
the Ultimate Tribute Band by the Oak Himself!)
by Arnold Schwarzenneger,
star
of movies that kick ass
After having incredible
sex with my wife, Maria, I lit my stogie, hopped in my Hummer
and was off to see my tribute band "ArnoCorps" play at Friday night's sold out show at
Gilman St, in Berkeley, California.
Having no idea of what
to expect, I no doubt arrived at the right place. My fans, let
me tell you, if you ever want to celebrate in the name of ME,
attend one of these shows! The exterior of the club was lined
with my fans wearing Arnold T-shirts, masks, and best of all,
half the crowd was speaking like me (only not as cool)
for a good time. They were all waiting to get inside and once
we did enter, the party atmosphere was even thicker. It reminded
me of Halloween night as dozens of people cruised the room wearing
T2, Predator, Mr. Freeze and other masks from my movies.
The time of socializing
was over as soon as chopper blades were heard 
thumping over the PA system, the smoke
machine kicked in, the lights dimmed, and the band members took
the stage. The lead singer began with a statement in a familiar
Austrian accent:
"I'm going to
ask you a question, and I want it answered immediately. Are you
ready... for ARNOCORPS?!"
The crowd erupted in enthusiastic
cheers as their first song, "Predator," began. A stylistic
mixture of heavy metal and aggressive punk rock music added power
to the screaming vocals, which consisted of several of everyone's
favorite lines from this classic action flick, starring me.
By the end of the song, I was completely absorbed by the power
of this truly unique band.
What incredible content!
"Predator" was immediately
followed up with "Running Man" after a fan next to
me screamed it out as a request. Obviously interested in pleasing
fans, ArnoCorps promptly delivered. Each song that followed
the last kept the high energy of the room alive as audience fists
were pumping in the air and the band danced around like they
were getting electric jolts in their spines.
Soon followed a super-fast
tune entitled "Raw Deal" and a dramatic song called
"True Lies." Never letting up the pace, ArnoCorps
also delivered other original musical interpretations of "End
of Days", and "Conan the Barbarian."
I knew the end was coming
soon when the singer announced that the next song was "Terminator",
which appropriately enough was to terminate their set. Another
high-speed power punk song, the vocals consisted of all 16 lines
that I delivered during that classic film. Ending with the line
"Get out!", ArnoCorps dropped off the stage
and left everyone cheering for more.
I had a brief encounter with Holzfeuer, the band's lead singer. He talked
with an Austrian tongue but I did not care for his low forehead.
Holzfeuer claimed to be pissed off at me saying my movies stoled
from his band's lyrics. I think he might sue me but I'm too busy
suing Premiere
magazine's bullshit to concern myself with this Holzfucker.
All in all, the whole Arnold
experience was a night I will never forget. It was as if a hundred
of my fans got together and celebrated my birthday party or my
existence. The people were crazy, yet fun and with ArnoCorps
playing in my world, people are continuously reminded of why
they go see the band... to pay tribute to me. Now excuse
me, I'm late for my seconds of apple strudel and seconds of Maria.
Hasta la Vista, dickwads!
"I
Give Them Five Stogies!" -- Arnold
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2001, No Apologies! Press
