Three Gamer Chicks Love Us!
Nicole probably loves us too!
Chick Gamers rule.
1. Why Dwarves Rule!
3. Excuse Me, SIR?
2. Elves? Pshaw!
4. For Shame? Moron!
to No Apologies! Press for giving me this web space!
Sunday, December 15, 2002
Well, I completed Thief and it was every bit as anti-climactic as any other game ever created. Why do I bother? I should just go down to the local tavern, get wasted and hit on fat and/or ugly chicks until one finally gives in and lets me bang her. I'm good at Roleplay. Maybe I'd be good at sexy role play. Or maybe not.
Anyway, I received some art from Rob Chope that's really cool! Rob really captures that specific quality of dwarves that sums up their inner nature. Gruff and determined. Less talk, more killing orc scum. This dwarf looks to be staring down his Elven compatriot as we've all done at one time or another. Just given him that look that says it all. "You're a complete poofy bollocks bastard, you skinny graceful embarrassment to the Empire." Great colors and stuff too. Beautiful work. Thanks Rob!
Click on image to see full size
posted by Chris Davenport 5:33 AM
Saturday, November 23, 2002
Geez. Since my last post, many, many months ago, I have since given up on Neverwinter Nights programming and been enmeshed within the darkened realms of Thief II. I've been playing on expert level when that gives the game more quest options but on hard when the only difference is you can't kill people. Because part of my favorite part of Thief is when you're sneaking around trying to get past a couple of guards to grab all the loot and some other guard suddenly yells out of your left or right speaker, "STOP THIEF!" and you completely panic and start running around letting the arrows fly. It's like a drug deal gone really, really bad. And your blood starts to flow and you start to panic and wonder how the hell you're gonna get out of this mess and all that suspense and nervous worry and junk just makes the game the best. Although I did just recently get the first Hitman but I've yet to install it. Maybe I'll start taking some screen shots of the games I've been playing. That's kind of a hassle though. Anyway, off to play more Thief since I still haven't found anyone to roleplay with since I botched it with my last group. Hmm, I don't think I ever finished that story way back when. I was so pissed. Anyway, I'll check the logs and see what I said and if it's even worth bringing up again. Off to steal!
posted by Chris Davenport 12:30 PM
Wednesday, October 16, 2002
Congrats, Larry. I haven't received any email for a long time. But then, I never post anymore either. I've been playing Neverwinter Nights like fifteen hours a day. I've been creating a scenario that duplicates the Mines of Moria when the dwarves were at their height of power. Pun, ha ha. It's pretty cool! But I'm having trouble scripting the thing. I can't stand the whole respawn at point of death thing. But I haven't been able to figure out how to change that. But having all the Mines of Moria to tool around in is pretty sweet! And the best part about it: No ELVES!
posted by Chris Davenport 3:19 AM
Wednesday, September 25, 2002
HE RESPONDS! OH JOYOUS OCCASSION:
In my experience, elves (on the whole) are a bit like the French, just a touch mouthy and conceited, but as soon as somebody starts waving around a sabre or two, they'll fall right in line. I'm certain that your few well-placed warriors will assist you in making a noble and impressive recapture of what really seems to be rightfully yours. You tried grace, tact, and diplomacy, and they burned you. Isn't there something in the Elf Code of Conduct that allows you to make a shameless, violent grab for power?
There should be. At the very least, the council should grant you an honorary position, including a title and stipend.
Aren't you worried that the Drow mercenaries will eventually turn against you and chop you into bits?
Be careful out there, Daniel
A code of conduct? Such devices are for the Human Empire, not for elves, who's conduct need not a code for an elf's conduct is conducted without having to ponder upon what that conduct might be.
Just between you and me, there seems to be a revolt in the works. I've been contacted by a few "agents" in my former holt and feel confident that they will, indeed, call for me to lead them forth from the decrepitly characterless, slash-and-dash gaming community the Elves of the Greater St. Louis Metropolitan Region have become.
But, we shall see! Oh, how I am tired of Heroclix! I long to develop community among my brothers once again!
Sir, while I understand that elves are not for everyone, please do not compare them to the French, who indeed eat horses. Most elves are vegetarian (though only in character -- I must admit that, out of character, I love a good Western Burger). Still, I completely understand how someone who does not roleplay an elf might find us "conceited" -- it is, however, a part of the role! And we as roleplayers have a duty to roleplay the role correctly.
As for the Drow, well Sir, indeed they are a tricky bunch. For the moment, they seem to think I am at the complete disposal after they wiped out many elven characters in that surprise attack. They see me as a cowardly, shivering elf who has lost his courage. Indeed, I have led them to think so in order to "turn the tables" and lead a surprise attack upon them when the time is ripe! Oh glorious history shall be made, I do declare!
Of course, all this is dependent upon my imminent return to power! We shall see, sir. We shall see!
In closing, sir, I wish to thank you for your consideration and kind words. I shall not forget them!
May the Silver Harp of Nelearo find your heart light in spirit,
High Elflord of the Elves of the Greater St. Louis Metropolitan Region in Exile.
posted by Larry Pressfield 11:08 AM
Thursday, September 19, 2002
MY FIRST FAN MAIL!!!
Larry,WOW! Thanks Daniel! This is the first real nice email I've received! Everyone just wants to make fun of me and stuff, just because I prefer elves (well, used to, since I don't roleplay after being overthrown fro the leadership of my holt).
I'm not the biggest fan of elves, but I am a big fan of yours. I'm not sure I can peel through the virtual layers of misdirection and satire to get to the real Larry Pressfield, but if he's even a shimmer from a shard of the frequent guest on Davenport Dwarf and the All-Star from Dwarf Lover, he is, truly, a great, great American.
Or Armenian. Or wherever you are from.
Sincerely, Daniel Eness
May the Tree of Eliara sustain you always! Your friend always,
High Elflord of the Elves of the Greater St. Louis Metropolitan Region in Exile.
posted by Larry Pressfield 10:16 AM
Monday, August 19, 2002
I knew I should have gone to the Con this year! Gary Fucking Gygax! Goddamn, that's great!
Hey, weren't you on Losers.org, How Fresh Is This Guy? and Dork of the Day? Just making sure!
posted by Larry Pressfield 4:37 PM
Tuesday, August 13, 2002
Although being contacted by the Christina Show was pretty exciting, it doesn't hold a candle to the guest the 3 Gamer Chicks had over at their site. The holiest of holy's, next to good ol' J.R.R., that is. The roleplay guru of gurus, Mr. Gary Gygax! Man. And they made cruel. The best I've done is Who's that dork.com or whatever those jerks were. Oh! And I had my picture in the WebSitesToVisit pull-out section of Maxim a year or so ago. That was pretty cool. I should scan that in, now that I'm thinking about it. Where the hell did I stick that?
posted by Chris Davenport 10:32 PM
Whoo! I just received an e-mail from some guy at the CHRISTINA SHOW. Is it wrong for me to list his toll free number here, just in case anybody out there is a hispanic midget and wants to be on the show?
My name is Martin Fernandez, producer of the Cristina Show (The Spanish
Oprah) on Univision Network. I see you mention Hispanic Midgets on you
website. I would like to contact some of them for a show I'm producing
August 30th 2002. Please contact me via e-mail or at my toll free
1-877-492-**** or 305-471-****. We will fly them in with all expenses
Call me for more information.
Tel: (305) 471-****
posted by Chris Davenport 10:26 PM
Friday, August 09, 2002
Can I just tell you I am so sick of my new comic-reading "friends" saying "SNIK SNIK" whenever their Wolverine slices up my Hercules (which happens to be the only character besides Wolfsbane who can even possibly be imagined in a finer age of Swords and Sorcery). Heroclix, sir, is becoming my bane. It's gaming, so it's somewhat fun, and it's a group game, so there's some comaraderie, but it's not roleplay (other than comic nerds "re-enacting" favorite fights between their favorite teams and screaming out one-liners from the scriptbooks in their heads, which isn't, I declare, roleplaying. Well, creative roleplaying anyway).
I miss being an elf.
I miss being Elflord of the Elves of the Greater St. Louis Metropolitan Region!
posted by Larry Pressfield 2:27 PM
Wednesday, July 24, 2002
Once Brennan was killed, I roled up a new character. Fortunately, due to my (then) pre-eminent position as Elflord of the Elves of the Greater St. Louis Metropolitan Region, I was able to roll up a War Dancer! I named him Brawhehe! He was sweet! But then I stopped playing so it really doesn't matter -- though I retain his character sheet. Just in case. I still miss Brennan "The Fist" Morningstar...
Hey, do you play MageKnight? I used to, but then I quit because the only people I played with were Elves and I hate Elves now. Nowadays, I play HeroClix, though I must say the people I play with are total nerds. All into comics and everything. It's embarassing.
posted by Larry Pressfield 4:18 PM
Wednesday, July 17, 2002
What do you mean roll up a new character? I thought Brennan was killed.
Or am I just forgetting you have an actual LARP character that I've mixed up with your paper and pencil character of Brennan the Fist?
I must state, also, a comment about Rentia and the 'Dwarven cleric'. Faith and healing for a dwarf? Ptah. Hopefully that Dwarven cleric was decked out in full plate swinging a Two-Handed Silver Hammer over its head, drunk and full of battle lust.
posted by Chris Davenport 7:22 PM
I'm not a DROW, sir. Just because I led a force of Drow Elf mercenaries doesn't mean I am a Drow. And even if I were interested in becoming a Drow, I'd I have to role up a whole new character and that was infeasible! Duh.
Don'tcha just love it when young punks hold forth and pretend to cusp all the RPG knowledge of the world in their oh-so-soft hands? "It is thanks to me and my friend that our party did not die." Oh really young buckling? Because no one's ever done that before!
Listen, "Rentia" (what sort of Elven name is that? Chh), your "youth and 'creative imagination'" may have emboldened you and set your heart afire with all the possibilities that now extend before you like the Fallen Leaf Trails of Lililanilindri's Ever-Autumn Hall, but take it from me, elfling:
One day, you'll find yourself the most experienced elven lorist amongst your friends. You'll lead them, entertain them, make them see imaginary worlds they'd never imagine otherwise. They'll turn to you and ask you, the Elflord of the Elves of the Greater St. Louis Metropolitan Region, for advice on what colors to wear at the Winter Snow Fair, how one develops one's characters beyond the warrior mentality, how to broach the topic of mating your male character with the female character who's played by a male... and you'll answer. And they'll heed your words and embrace your wisdom. And then you'll know, in those precious moments, fulfillment... And then, at the very height of your preeminence:
Your heart will be broken by those you seek to lead into roleplaying greatness.
That's your future lesson, You Who Acts With the Impertinence of a Young 200-Year-Old Elf.
Oh, and one more thing, "Rentia": You can't "show" you're not an "average one" if you simply tell us so -- send us stories of your exploits and let us judge you. After all, just stating that you saved your party once (and with the help of a *SNORT* "Dwarven Cleric," at that) means very little -- describe the event in detail, strippling!
posted by Larry Pressfield 4:32 PM
Monday, July 15, 2002
Yeah, what self-respecting Elf wouldn't have Dodge Blow for a skill? Sheesh. What morons. Better yet, they gave my character, the DWARF dodge blow! As if a slow moving tank would ever need the skill.
I can't believe you've become a Drow. It's shameful! Shameful I say!
Anyway, on with the new letters. The first one is my favorite cause it criticizes Larry. Har har har.
Subject: I saw your site
Excuse me, good Sir, but I was searching up sites on Elven history and
it brought up yours. It upsets me that you think all of us Elven RPers
act as that one did. I play a Half-Elf whenever I go to RP rooms in
AOL. I am an Elven Cleric when I go to my friends house to play Dungons
and Dragons, and it is thanks to me and my friend, a Dwarven Cleric,
that our party did not die. Also, my other friend, an Elven Ranger and a
Dwarf Warrior helped us to destroy many a strong foe. When I text RP,
I am a female elf/werewolf/dragon. My characters mother was elf, her
father was werewolf, a her friend, a dragon, merged her with a gold
dragon egg. And you say the only good Elf is a "Elf Chick", I do not find
this true. My character is 5'5 with silver eyes and brown hair, yet
she is a very good fighter. I have nothing against Dwarves, but I do not
like people who say all Elven RPGers suck just because of the actions
of one, obviously ignorant, RPGer. I have not been RPing long, mabey 7
months, but my youth and creative imagination have helped expand my
Knowledge in this one perticular area. I do not wish to start a war with
you, on the contrary, I wish to show you that, as a Elven RPer, I am
not your average one. Please send a reply ASAP, Thank you and have a
The second letter:
I really love playing dwarf in Warhammer and Utopia. Have you ever
utopia? let me know
Um, okay! Never heard of Utopia, kid. And the last letter, from a very special person: ASSBEARD!
After reading you site, I have come to the conclusion you love dwarves.
that you have a twisted sense of humour.
The result is, you may be interested in visiting my site:
Which features news and articles about the dwarf known as Assbeard.
Take a gander.
Thanks for the kind letters! For once. Damn, three NICE letters in a row. It's fucking Armageddon, I tell ya.
posted by Chris Davenport 8:43 PM
Wednesday, June 19, 2002
Ha ha ha! Oh, life's treating me very well, thank you kindly for asking sir!
While I'm no longer technically a Roleplayer, I did lead a force of Drow Elf mercenaries, which came by way of St. Paul, upon an unsuspecting force of Elves of the Greater St. Louis Metropolitan Region, 90% OF WHOM WERE SLAUGHTERED IN THE MELEE!
Oh the joy I did have as we claimed a free first-strike round, and how I did smirk when He Who Felled My Lordship, AKA Mark, AKA "Strongbough" (what a STUPID elf name) could do nothing but follow the rules of the game and allow us to roll our dice with impunity, without having to worry about parries or dodging!
Oh, wonderous slaughter! How I laughed and laughed and laughed as "Strongbough's" head when flying through the air upon meeting my blade!
HEY! I JUST READ THE LATEST COMIC EPISODE AND THEY MAKE ME LOOK FAT!!! I've lost a good five pounds! Plus, I always had "Dodge Blow" as a skill, duh!
posted by Larry Pressfield 3:07 PM
Wednesday, June 12, 2002
Damn! Larry's back and I didn't even notice! I guess the only reason this blog is read is from the Google searches. Currently, Dwarf Lover is getting about 35 hits or so a day. Just about all of those hits are from someone looking for gay dwarves, dwarf fucking, naked elves, naked sluts from St Louis, etc, etc. Oh, wait, I can't forget 'Donkey Chicks'. What the fuck is a donkey chick?
So, Larry, how's life treating you? *snicker*
posted by Chris Davenport 8:38 PM
Wednesday, May 29, 2002
Well, I finally read through the entire run of DwarfLover: The Comic and while there's a part of me utterly and completely outraged that...
...there's another part of me that says, FUCK ALL YOU GAMERS! FUCKING TRAITORS!!!
- NA!P didn't follow the letter of our adventures (for instance, Brennan "The Fist" Morningstar was never female)
- Gamers are portrayed as a bunch of pervs
posted by Larry Pressfield 10:34 AM
Tuesday, May 14, 2002
I am... here. I am no longer an elf. I no longer associate with my former associates.
(according to Tolkienian lore, that is)
But I'll get over it. Someday.
posted by Larry Pressfield 1:57 PM
Sunday, May 12, 2002
I have been away for a long while. First the whole thing with Larry kind of depressed me. And then the fact that the guys at NA!P decided to ignore the script I wrote for the DwarfLover comic chronicling my roleplaying adventures in favor of, well, whatever they've decided to do. I've been trying to be more involved in local roleplay and CCG tournaments at my local Wizards of the Coast store and less time online. Anyway, a letter reminded that maybe I should check in and write a little note here. And Larry, if you're still out there, check back in. All of our chick gamer fans are worried about ya, big guy. Oh, and here's the letter:
man yer mullet is so rad that i wanna go out and buy a 1985 camaro and every reo speedwagon cd i can find.
see you at the rennisance festival there bucktooth
That great piece of literature was from MikeyBulletProof@aol.com. And my response to him was thus:
Congratulations! You're the 5,000th person with an AOL account to email me with a mullet joke. Way to be original, AOLoser.
Anyway, here's to hoping I'll at least check back weekly. And that Larry returns. You reading this, Lar?
posted by Chris Davenport 10:27 PM
Wednesday, February 13, 2002
Hey, has anyone heard from Larry? He hasn't returned emails. I hope he hasn't gone and shot himself.
posted by Brent Johnson 11:39 AM
Saturday, February 09, 2002
I'm not surprised that elves -- or myself -- are under appreciated. I'm not surprised by nothing now. First I lose my Elflordship, despite the fact that my holt was a mere shadow of a roleplay club before I turned it around; then I get nothing but disrespect from your "fans" despite the fact that this blog is only updated because I'm on it.
Such is my fate. TO THE NETHER WITH YOU ALL.
posted by Larry Pressfield 3:13 PM
Being as how this page is supposed to be about Dwarf Lovers, I have a few comments from another Dwarf Lover out there, Ethan:
Tell Larry that elves do suck. They suck fat donkey balls. I know it. You know it. The chicks REALLY know it. And Larry knows it but won't admit it.
Well, I didn't realize Elves actually did *THAT*. But it doesn't surprise me at all. Elves are pretty close to the beasts of the forest.
Oh, and there's also a tribute to ME over at Three Gamer Chicks.
posted by Chris Davenport 12:56 PM
Friday, February 08, 2002
Ethan gets to kiss a gamer chick!? What a lucky dog. I want to sleep with a gamer chick. Hell, I want to sleep with a chick. DAMN THE TROLL KINGS
Well, I am not going to post Mark's speech, as slanderous as it was. Doesn't matter, for the deed is done and I am no longer Larry Pressfield, Elflord of the Elves of the Greater St. Louis Metropolitan Region. Nay, now I am just Larry Pressfield of the Elves of the Greater St. Louis Metropolitan Region. And soon, I may just be Larry Pressfield.
Needless to say, I'm a little depressed. I wish I got fanmail at firstname.lastname@example.org. Whatever.
posted by Larry Pressfield 11:30 AM
Thursday, February 07, 2002
Now this makes me feel good (and you should to, Larry, no matter how the Elven Court vote is going): My first piece of NICE mail! After all the jokes concerning mullets, fags, dwarves in sexual positions, geeks, nerds and losers, somebody sent me a positive bit of prose!
Yo, dude. Your site is damn funny. Made my way here via the Three Gamer Chicks (I'm dating one one of them) and read the comic strip. Haven't laughed so much in a while. Good stuff. Will put a link to you on my site (www.geocities.com/terrestrialboy). Ignore that Hate Mail crap, my friend. Take it from a fellow Gamer and Gen Con goer five years running ... Dwarves Rule!
As you can see, he has some association with Three Gamer Chicks who have come to the defense of us trod upon male gamers with a letter to Mister Harris concerning his gay-laden missive to me (see below).
Thank you Robin, Melissa and Ethan.
posted by Chris Davenport 7:01 PM
Saturday, February 02, 2002
Wow. Another creative genius sends me fan mail. I'm sure having a conversation with this guy is like watching milk turn. Please be sure to email him to remind him how obsessed he is with the gay lifestyle.
Zachary Harris (email@example.com) wrote:
whats your problem stupid bitch. you had a really crappy high school
experience you homo. Dungeons and Dragons is really gay and so are
dwarfs and so are you, faggot.
Ps: why are you buttfucking your male rpg friends?
posted by Chris Davenport 3:30 AM
Tuesday, January 29, 2002
Since we've posted pics of Elves and Dwarves, here's a few Orcs for those Chaos fans out there.
posted by Chris Davenport 7:58 PM
Saturday, January 26, 2002
DwarfLover: The Comic is back. I'm hoping those yahoos over at No Apologies! can get there lazy ass act together and put up a new comic at least once every two weeks. But even at that rate, they're gonna fall way behind my scripts.
posted by Chris Davenport 11:16 PM
Tuesday, January 22, 2002
Sigh... One must admit one is flusterated by the encroachment of politics into our home, our holt. Following is a transcript of the first holt discussion. Well, "debate" is more like it. Sigh:
Lord Moderator: Discussion of the continued dominion of High Elflord Larry Pressfield over the Elves of the Greater St. Louis Metropolitan Region commences now. First to speak shall be the Elflord, followed by He Who Seeks Ascension, Mark Meyers.I'll transcribe his statements in a following post...
Me: Thank you, Lord Moderator, may your leaves never fall.
Mark: May your grasses grow ever green.
Lord Moderator: May your trees never fall beneath the shadow of a mountain.
Me: Fellow elves! A reckoning has come upon us! It is incumbent upon you, this holt, to determine whether my continuing leadership is both needed and desirable. Sirs, I call upon you to harken back to days of yore, before my ascension. Yea, we took to the tables and rolled the dice and killed many a foe --
Assembled Elves: (murmured agreements)
Me: -- but what of character? Did we, the Elves of the Greater St. Louis Region, have any? Did we have any real relationship with our roleplayed characters? And subsquently, any real relationship between our characters? And therefore, any relationship between us, the players behind the characters?
Assembled Elves: (muted, pondering silence)
Me: I for one did not. How many times did we create, play and kill off our characters before my ascension? I must have gone through a dozen in one year alone! And since my ascension? I have had but two characters -- my current character, Brawhehem, son of Brawhehe, and -- sob! -- He Who Came Before Him, Brennan "The Fist" Morningstar...
Assembled Elves: (respectful silence)
Me (wiping away tears): SNIFF! Look at me! I wipe away tears! My face is red and puffy! To this day, I mourn the loss of my beloved Brennan. And why? Because Brennan had character. And why? Because I redefined EGSLMR to be something more than it was, a clearing house of character carnage. I brought you history, culture, background. I provided you the means by which you too, could fall in love with your characters.
Assembled Elves: (muttered agreement)
Me: You, Terrel! Hast thou not developed an even fiercer affection for Moranah the Left-Armed since Moranah's tragic loss of her right arm to that Troll?
Terrell: Me hast to agree!
Me: And you, Myron! Hast thou no love for Delphlin Dri despite his utter lack of ability in combat? Hast thou not created the most perfect, most renowned artist in Missouri? Hast thou not? And dost thou not yet enjoy interacting within our community, despite your inability to strike an orc with the blade or shoot out the eye of a human assassin?
Assembled Elves: (muttered snickering)
Myron (glaring about him): Hmph! Indeed I do, Lord Pressfield! You have my vote!
Me: I daresay all here have enjoyed my time here as Elflord. I daresay none can really complain of my leadership. Not even Ryan or Steve, whose characters' deaths -- may the Elf gods remember them -- have brought about this challenge to my rule, can say my rule has bereft them of benefit. Indeed, one would suppose that their characters' deaths wouldn't lead to this challenge had their characters simply been of the slash-and-dash sort of which we used to play before my dominion!!
Assembled Elves: (contemplative silence)
Lord Moderator: What say you, Elflord? Have you completed your statement?
Me: Aye, Lord Moderator, may your arrow fly true.
Lord Moderator: Then I shall induce Mark to step forth and say his piece!
posted by Larry Pressfield 12:15 PM
Thursday, January 17, 2002
Sounds like human politics, eh Elf? That's a pretty sad comment on your little Elf kingdom if someone can win the presidency by labeling you a Dwarf hater even though you support all that Elf crap. Do y'all just sit around and bitch about Dwarves in EGSLMR? I wish the leader of the Dwarven Hold in St Louis would join this chat.
Larry, do you have any pictures of your Elf rituals that I could post?
posted by Chris Davenport 5:16 PM
Blast him! Blast him to damnation! Mark has painted me, High Elflord of the Elves of the Greater St. Louis Metropolitan Region, as a dwarf lover. WHATEVER. The sad thing is, it's working. He's going off about how, since I became High Elflord of the EGSLMR, there's less actual adventuring and more poetry, dancing, singing -- culture stuff in general. Caught off guard, I fiercely defended the direction I've taken our holt, discussing how all these non-adventure events builds detailed background, history, a common knowledge shared by all in the club. Did that strike him as useful? NO! Instead, he says that, because of my association with this website, I've been a) polluted by the "dirt people," and b) "culturally poisoning the adventuring-strength of our club," an unwittting tool manipulated by the Dwarven Hold of Missouri to sap our holt's strength. Then (the audacity!), he pointed to me and said, "Witness my character's death during an ill-advised adventure led by him truly!" At which point I said, "Had you built up your toughness and not used up all your fate points, Trezedor would still be amongst the living, sir!" To which he said, "Toughness? That's dwarf talk!"
I think I'm in trouble...
posted by Larry Pressfield 11:48 AM
Wednesday, January 16, 2002
Why don't you dance a poem or make a posey string or something to gain favor back?
posted by Chris Davenport 6:13 PM
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