No Apologies! Press
presents...

 

 

A Partial List of the
Elven Hall of Fame!

 

As High Elflord of the EGSLMR, I am honored to wear the Admantine Armor of the Eldred. Note the functionality of the armor for both bloody battle and wiley negotiation!

 

 

 

 

BeyLoi, the BroadSpear Bearer. This indeed was one great elven warrior, who in many an adventure did accompany me deep into the Chaos Lands, whether to recover a great artifact or save a fair human or Elvish damsel. He was felled in the Fifth Battle of Kislev.

 

 

 

 

Frostimir, with his great bow of magic. It never would miss its target. Alas, it was lost when Frostimir offered it up to sacrifice to a god. It is reported, however, that Frostimir did not expect the god to take his defining weapon! A grave error indeed by Frostimir!

 

 

 

 

Rewas, the BroadSpear Bearer. As BeyLoi fell in the Fifth Battle of Kislev, the wiley player behind BeyLoi slyly had created a new character -- Rewas -- just for such an occassion. Then, in the midst of battle, the player quickly introduced Rewas into the game, who then recovered BeyLoi's spear to claim as his own! Who says death can part one from one's defining weapon???

 

 

 

 

Paladin was never one for the crossbow, and yet it was the crossbow that allowed him to smote the evil magician in the head, just before the magician placed the Golden Helm upon his head!! It was crucial and heroic timing, indeed, and all players around the table held their breaths as the dice were rolled to determine if and where the crossbow bolt hit. Imagine our cheers and high-fives, the flush of victory, and the sudden knowledge that we, our misfit band, had save all of time and space!!! That was a great victory for us indeed.

 The Elves of St. Louis Respond!

by Larry Pressfield*,
High Elflord of EGSLMR

 

We, the Elves of the Greater St. Louis Metropolitan Region (EGSLMR), would like to take this opportunity to thank No Apologies! Press for publishing our gaming club's response to Chris Davenport's defamatory and inflamatory piece, "Confessions of a Dwarf Lover."

Sir:

It is obvious, sir, that you have brought to bear in your missive a message of hate and contempt -- hidden in you otherwise excellent analysis of roleplay games (for we at EGSLMR prefer Warhammer above all others as well), and your somewhat interesting discussion of the dwarf-player's bloodthirsty mentality -- that threatens to revive that ancient blood-feud between the First Race and the mudmunching dwarves. To wit:

"Elves are just pansy, light-weight, arrogant fairies and I'd rather flush my lucky dice down the crapper than role play one of them. Really. Who wants to role play a character that automatically starts the game with the skill singing or dancing?**"


Dangerous words, sir. Dangerous words indeed. As reports of the existence of your envied-filled words flooded our gaming room during our Thursday Night Elves-As-Artist Roleplay 11:30 P.M. session, it took nearly all my power as High Elflord of EGSLMR to keep our rasher, younger members from immediately calling the Dwarven Hold of Missouri to challenge them to an all-out battle for supremacy of the state.

This, of course, would have destroyed The Alliance between our peoples, the only obstacle that prevents the various Chaos nations and clubs that would otherwise march through our state, from Springfield to Jefferson City. A dark day for gaming, that would be. Indeed.

How you disparage our people in a single paragraph! And yet, many of the greatest heroes in roleplay are elves! Elves! (Not "fairies," for elves are not fairies, as any true gamer who knows knows, which makes me wonder, Mr. Davenport, if you're a true gamer at all, sir!) Never will this High Elflord forget the exploits and sacrifices of the Elven Race as I and my boon campaigns fought long and hard to ensure the peace of the Old World (the scene of play in Warhammer, sir, in case you do not know) against the Chaos hordes that many times breached the Dwarven strongholds and poured across the Dwarven cities like so much water and threatened peace in the Old World, which we, Wood Elf and High Elf both, ensured! I will never forget:

Brennan "The Fist" Morningstar, who felled a wicked Game Master's star villain with a single punch! Yes, for though the GM had both Brennan and my opponent stripped of our weapons, and though the GM hung a single sword in the middle of an arena filled to capacity by my opponent's people, and though I lost the race to the sword, thereby lending my opponent a glimmer of hope in besting my character in contest, nevertheless, Brennan had the higher initiative, and with one fell punch I felled my opponent. As I continued to roll 6s, thus garnering extra damage, my boon campanions and I cheered and high-fived even as the GM's face fell, for no one could not help but envision Brennan's single mighty blow literally exploding my opponent's head, leaving nought but a fine mist of blood, flesh and bone like smoke in the air. Yes, my companions then christened Brennan Morningstar "The Fist," and my fame as an Elven hero who had wiped out the evil lord of an evil realm with a single punch to the head spread throughout The Old World. (Brennan was later retired under suspicious circumstances, as the GM accidently "lost" his character sheet. This High Elflord wonders, however.)

Grondulin, Frostimir & Brawhehe (pronounced Braw-hee-hee) were epics in of themselves, finding fame and fortune throughout months of campaigning. Toward the end of their playing careers, the trio of legendary elves very nearly established a nation amongst the divided tribes and fortresses of the Border Princes (if you are indeed familiar with the landscape of the Old World, you know whereof I speak, sir!). But the GM betrayed the heroes, for he had Brawhehe fight an illusion of Grondulin himself without aid of his magic rope! Of course, Grondulin's magic weaponry worked without fail. It was at that point that I resigned from the game, as it was clear the GM had a personal beef with me. That, and I was felled. Grondulin and Frostimir continued to play on, but without powerful Brawhehe at their side, they never did win a nation.***

Paladin, although technically an evil drow elf, proved his worthiness of honor and glory when he felled the evil magician who sought the Golden Helm, a device by which he would be able to control all of time and space and thus the Old World. Alas, I was forced by circumstance and GM to play a shiftless human druid, Josiah Wanderer -- with whom I learned a valuable lesson about Fate Points, but I digress. Is it any wonder then that Paladin charged off with that dwarf, Gully Granitehead, who led them to their (admittedly) glorious fellings!? Had I been an elf, and had I been there for that gaming session (I was busy GMing my own Warhammer campaign in Topeka), Paladin may yet still be with us today, furthering the fight for good (despite his evilness) against the Chaos forces that threaten The Old World and Missouri! The only good thing to come out of Paladin's felling was the felling of that dirt-lovin' dwarf -- and you may take that anyway you want, sir!

 

Let us take a moment
to remember these heroes...

 

To finish, sir: It is yet within this High Elflord's power to preserve the peace between our two peoples, and thus preserve the balance of power here in this state. But many within my club are calling for all-out felling of the dwarven race, and even my councillors call for sanctions against the Dwarven Hold of Missouri, if not severance of all ties to you lowly mountaintop dwellers. Still yet is the eldest of the Eldest race, retired players who now must answer to wives (ccchhh!), who remember the days when the Elves did not partake of this world, but played amongst themselves without commerce with outsiders. Would you prefer, sir, that we withdraw from the Missouri gaming community altogether, leaving the Dwarven Hold of Missouri to its own devices against the forces aligned against it?

(Oh sure, there is the Human Empire of Springfield and the Halfings scattered throughout the state, but what assistance can you possibly get from them? After all, there is no One Ring for a Halfing to destroy, thus ending the threat of Chaos. Not in this gaming world, leastways.)

But for me to preserve the now-threatened Alliance, Mr. Davenport sir, you must publically apologize -- and do so immediately -- for your ill-advised words, for our honor has been besmirched by your thoughtless and undoubtedly mistaken words. Were we, the Elves of the Greater St. Louis Metropolitan Region, to actually believe that you, sir, actually believed the message you actually wrote above, then sir, there would be without a doubt a major dwarf-felling afoot!

-- Larry Pressfield*,
High Elflord of EGSLMR,
August 30th, 2000


FOOTNOTES:

*I will be changing my name to Larry Tiberius Kirk when I'm 18!

**Does it not occur to you, sir, that a Wardancer -- an elite warrior of Elvish blood -- may not be a Wardancer without the dance skill? Does it not occur to you that an elf would not be the best of magicians among all the races without the skill of singing? For the chanting of spells are amongst the most important of aspects in the ways of magic weaving, indeed!

***So famous were the names of Grondulin, Frostimir and Brawhehe that, indeed, when one night when the regular GM was awayed, yet another game commenced in an alternate version of The Old World. Alas, the player who role played Frostimir could not join our merry band, for he GMed. Grondulin and Brawhehe set about making a name for themselves in this harsher version of The Old World, in which one could die by wielding a cursed sword ("The Quest to Die") or start an adventure naked, weaponless and surrounded by trolls ("Naked, Surrounded by Trolls"). Nevertheless, Grondulin and Brawhehe once again prevailed, very nearly establishing a nation of their own in the Halfing's Moot, when, struck by a sudden, angry envy, the GM made our fortress sink into the grounds due to instability of the marshy ground (even though we had made darn sure that that ground was safe to build on!) In protest, Grondulin did not "abandon ship" but allowed himself be swallowed in the maw of Terra Firma. Oh, brave elf!

Need to respond? Alas! Larry won't let me hand out his e-mail!
Send all comments and arguments to
upright@noapologiespress.com

Copyright © 2000, No Apologies! Press on behalf of
The Elves of the Greater St. Louis Metropolitan Region