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LET'S HIRE SOMEONE TO KICK EMINEM'S ASS

ChesutaTech

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Eminem. I assume you know who he is, or you wouldn't be here. I propose this to you: we pool our money and hire someone to kick his pasty little ass for the nation's enjoyment.

Why bother, you ask? Well, MC Whitey here has done nothing to honor the nation's requests to shut the fuck up, even going to the extent of writing songs about how much the people that dislike him suck. Freud would say this is a reflection of how his ego resolves a psychological conflict between his id and superego where he deals with the fact that he blows more badger cock than a Saigon Badger Whore, by attributing his flaws to his critics. I would say this reflects the fact that he's a fuckshit.

The fun doesn't end there. His wonderful ability to reason brought him to the conclusion that, because Will Smith can sell records without using every Anglo-Saxon word in his vocabulary, that most of the world has something against him because he's a 'rebel'. Wah wah wah. Fuck you, Eminem. Will Smith starred in Men in Black. He's by no means a great musician, but he's been famous for (nearly?) a decade and... fer crissakes, he stared in Men in Black! You... are a stupid white guy with spiky bleached hair and a 'I don't give a shit' attitude. Don't see those every day. I can get my recommended daily allowance of a stupid white guy with spiky bleached hair and a 'I don't give a shit' attitude by playing Final Fantasy 7 for 5 minutes. Also, Christina Anguilera refuses to sleep with me as well. You don't see me writing awful songs about it though.

As for the 'message' behind his songs, bullshit. Eminem is NOT this generation's John Prine. Yes, there are problems for kids growing up in a low-income, single-parent home. Will I ever be able to truly have empathy for them? No. Do I do nearly as much as I could to help? No. Is Eminem doing more to solve the problem than me? Hell no. Take, for example, Rage Against The Machine or Eddie Vedder. I probably like their music about as much as I like Eminem's. But they are actively helping, backing Ralph Nader in his campaign to become the next President of the United States of America. Eminem backs a thug who bought a studio with his crack-dealing money and firmly believes he is the only person allowed to steal music.

But why hire someone? Couldn't we do it ourselves and save some dough? Yes, we could, but that would not be nearly as fun as what I have in mind. What I want to do is get a spot on MTV, possibly even a network station, and hire a celebrity to do the actual ass-kicking in front of the entire country. If we get the fund-raising efforts going in full effect we could get a popular band to play for the event too. Although it'd be less hypocritical if we hired an independent band, you'll have to tell me which one is good. It's not my 'scene' (snicker).

Here are the celebrities I'd like to see kick Eminem's ass:
The guy who played Robert Paulsen in Fight Club
The black guy from The Green Mile
Samuel L. Jackson
Chow Yun Fat
Jackie Chan
Richard Roundtree
Evander Holyfield


Suggestions for additions to the list are welcome. Suggestions for Pro Wrestlers as additions are not.

Bands which I'd like to have play the event:
The Offspring (Also sell-outs, but 'Pretty Fly for a White Guy' would be perfect for the beating in question)
Rob Zombie
The Ramones

All profits from the event go to the Green Party.

Contact me if you are interested in making a donation.

Copyright 2000, Shaun Elsasser