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Perhaps I Was Mistaken:
Gamers Who Play Elves Suck

(In Response To Larry Pressfield's response to Chris Davenport's Dwarf Lover Article)

Well, Mr. Larry Pressfield, it would seem we have spent more than one night at the same campaigning table. It was you who played that third rate Human Druid wherein I adventured as the famed Gully Granitehead, companion to the manic, overbearing and supremely arrogant Paladin. I must admit I had trouble remembering there was even a Druid amidst our party, so unlively and inconsequential your role. It is unsurprising to me that you would take the side of that elf, Paladin, and try to make him out as a gloriously played character. I believe you were too busy licking Paladin's gamer's boots and fetching sodas and candy bars for the elf's ill-mannered and foul tempered alter ego to make any unbiased statement toward a comparison of Gully and Paladin. 

It is no wonder that I tried to block your memory from Gully's history. Was it not you and he who purposely bumped a nearby table of gamers playing GURPS and laughed uproariously when their sodas were overturned upon their character sheets? And didn't you continually challenge the GameMaster's rulings, complaining often that your God was not revealing himself to you in a beneficial manner even though you would spend whole seconds reminding the GameMaster that you were communing with nature. And I will not go into detail on the Magic Tournament Bottom Shuffling Debacle perpetrated by you and the alter ego of Paladin. Is that the manner in which the Elves of St Louis usually conduct themselves? If so, I shall think that a war between these disgraces and the Dwarven Hold of Missouri would lead to nothing but an ignoble defeat of the 'First Race' by a bunch of 'mudmunchers'.

Now, not being a member of this Dwarven Hold, I shouldn't be the cause of a war between your little clubs. But if the 'Elves' cannot distinguish between the comments of an individual and the public sentiment of a clan which the individual is not even remotely related too (although I did stay in a room at the Hyatt with three dwarves from the Dwarven Hold of Missouri during the gaming convention wherein we campaigned together), then that, SIR, sounds like a problem with the logic facilities of the Elves of the Greater St Louis Region.

What really surprises me is the great coincidence that a person I spent a few nights gaming with over five years ago found my article on Dwarves. If this has any bearing on the research ability of the Elves of the Greater St Louis Region, then I must applaud you on your researching facility.

But to get around to the real point, gamers who role-play elves suck. First, as to this legend of this 'Brennan FistingStar', I must say that if all Elven legends are created through an error of game play mechanics, then a weak race they must be. For rolling extra damage with a bare fist is an impossibility. For damage by a fist is determined by D6 - 2 and extra damage is determined by natural roll of six only if there are no negative modifiers to the damage. 

Or maybe Elven Legends are made by their ability to not lose a magic rope? Only the weakest of role players I have ever met relied on a single item of great power to the extent that their character becomes overshadowed by the single piece of magic (as is also illustrated in your sidebar on Rewas, another elf). 

And my final argument, your selective memory, SIR. Perhaps you forgot when writing your sidebar on Paladin that I was part of the Golden Helm campaign? Or perhaps you believe your own altered history of events? Paladin never did wield a crossbow. It was a flint lock pistol which he kept loaded at all times, subsequently getting us in much trouble (as when he shot the King of Kislev in the leg). It was with this pistol that he shot the Wizard before he could don the Golden Helm. And while it is true that he shot him in the head and we all held our breaths in great suspense at the possibility of a killing head shot, lo and behold Paladin rolled for one damage. The wizard was merely annoyed and sent many Level Nine elementals to destroy half of our party. Many of us survived only because of an extra fate point on hand.

So, if all your elven heroes are heroes because of altered history or misplayed game rules or an especially powerful magic weapon, it proves that elven role players are unskilled at everything except fantasizing.

Defend yourself, if you can, SIR.


Chris Davenport
Dwarf Lover
Dwarven Hold

Copyright 2000, No Apologies! Press on behalf of
Chris Davenport, Dwarf Lover!