Well, Mr. Larry Pressfield,
it would seem we have spent more than one night at the same campaigning
table. It was you who played that third rate Human Druid wherein I
adventured as the famed Gully Granitehead, companion to the manic,
overbearing and supremely arrogant Paladin. I must admit I had trouble
remembering there was even a Druid amidst our party, so unlively and
inconsequential your role. It is unsurprising to me that you would take
the side of that elf, Paladin, and try to make him out as a gloriously
played character. I believe you were too busy licking Paladin's gamer's
boots and fetching sodas and candy bars for the elf's ill-mannered and
foul tempered alter ego to make any unbiased statement toward a
comparison of Gully and Paladin.
It is no wonder that I
tried to block your memory from Gully's history. Was it not you and he
who purposely bumped a nearby table of gamers playing GURPS
and laughed uproariously when their sodas were overturned upon their
character sheets? And didn't you continually challenge the GameMaster's
rulings, complaining often that your God was not revealing himself to
you in a beneficial manner even though you would spend whole seconds
reminding the GameMaster that you were communing with nature. And I will
not go into detail on the Magic Tournament Bottom Shuffling Debacle perpetrated
by you and the alter ego of Paladin. Is that the manner in which the Elves
of St Louis usually conduct themselves? If so, I shall think that a
war between these disgraces and the Dwarven Hold of Missouri would lead
to nothing but an ignoble defeat of the 'First Race' by a bunch of 'mudmunchers'.
Now, not being a member of
this Dwarven Hold, I shouldn't be the cause of a war between your little
clubs. But if the 'Elves' cannot distinguish between the comments of an
individual and the public sentiment of a clan which the individual is
not even remotely related too (although I did stay in a room at the
Hyatt with three dwarves from the Dwarven Hold of Missouri during the
gaming convention wherein we campaigned together), then that, SIR,
sounds like a problem with the logic facilities of the Elves of the
Greater St Louis Region.
What really surprises me is
the great coincidence that a person I spent a few nights gaming with
over five years ago found my article on Dwarves. If this has any bearing
on the research ability of the Elves of the Greater St Louis Region,
then I must applaud you on your researching facility.
But to get around to the
real point, gamers who role-play elves suck. First, as to this legend of
this 'Brennan FistingStar', I must say that if all Elven legends are
created through an error of game play mechanics, then a weak race they
must be. For rolling extra damage with a bare fist is an impossibility.
For damage by a fist is determined by D6 - 2 and extra damage is
determined by natural roll of six only if there are no negative
modifiers to the damage.
Or maybe Elven Legends are
made by their ability to not lose a magic rope? Only the weakest
of role players I have ever met relied on a single item of great power
to the extent that their character becomes overshadowed by the single
piece of magic (as is also illustrated in your sidebar on Rewas, another
elf).
And my final argument, your
selective memory, SIR. Perhaps you forgot when writing your sidebar on
Paladin that I was part of the Golden Helm campaign? Or perhaps you
believe your own altered history of events? Paladin never did wield a
crossbow. It was a flint lock pistol which he kept loaded at all times,
subsequently getting us in much trouble (as when he shot the King of
Kislev in the leg). It was with this pistol that he shot the Wizard
before he could don the Golden Helm. And while it is true that he shot
him in the head and we all held our breaths in great suspense at the
possibility of a killing head shot, lo and behold Paladin rolled for one
damage. The wizard was merely annoyed and sent many Level Nine
elementals to destroy half of our party. Many of us survived only
because of an extra fate point on hand.
So, if all your elven
heroes are heroes because of altered history or misplayed game rules or
an especially powerful magic weapon, it proves that elven role players
are unskilled at everything except fantasizing.
Defend yourself, if you
can, SIR.
Chris Davenport
Dwarf Lover
Dwarven
Hold
