Behold! It is I, Duke
Suetir Borlan of the Human Empire of Springfield, Missouri!
A veteran participant of many a RPG systems and gaming clubs
am I, as well as an accomplished player of many races -- including
But for the past five
years, I have played strictly human warriors, for I had decided
that one must concentrate on playing one class and one race in
order to finally -- after many years of trials, tribulations,
and triumphs -- gain the wisdom and insight that playing the
same class and race over many years will impart upon said dedicated
That wisdom and insight,
being imparted upon myself, revealeth what it is I do now! And
that wisdom and insight being imparted in myself is, in a single
As such, recognized by
many within the Great State of Missouri as a diplomat who can
lean towards both the chaotic and lawful aspects of gaming, cope
with the inherent schizophrenia of a neutrally aligned player,
and not be steeped in the limiting and one-dimensional animosities
with which many other races must (if they play out their roles
correctly) wrestle (thus blunting their experience of the gaming
world in which they partake), I have been sent forth by The Elflord
of the Elves of the Greater St. Louis Metropolitan Region (EGSLMR)
to present his answer to your
most recent communication
to himself --
-- which basically
responded in a determinedly aggravating and (dare I say it?)
dimwitted manner to his defense
of elves and the gamers who play them whom you attacked in your elf-disparaging
no apparent good reason (though I am open to the possibility
that you may had had a good reason to jeapordize
The Alliance...) --
-- in a manner befitting
a neutral and an ally of the Dwarven Hold of Missouri and once-ally
As you probably know,
the Elves of the Greater St. Louis Metropolitan Region have withdrawn
from the Gaming Community of the State. Their gaming sessions
are now closed to the other races; their participation in Alliance
actions no longer expected.
Indeed, these are the
Dark Days. Already the Kansas City Orc Clans have tested the
Empire's defenses, both in roleplayed adventures and tabletop
figurine skirmishes, and I dare say, we were sorely tested. Even
now their allies, the Chaos Hordes found throughtout the state
and beyond (IN VIOLATION OF THE GAMING AGREEMENT, I MIGHT ADD!),
prepare for their first major thrust into the Bright Lands. Just
this morning I received a report from a Half-Orc spy (I maintain
relations with many of my former brethren, which I can, since
I have no racial animosities or hatreds!) that the first of these
battles will take place in live action battle!
Needless to say, without
EGSLMR, the Human Empire and the Dwarf Hold face the Dark Days.
Will we hold against the Chaos Hordes? Will we send the Orc Clans
back to that cesspool that is KC? Or will those wiley, cheating
bastards rip up our character sheets before our very eyes?!
All this, mind you, has
been precipitated by one Chris Davenport, The DwarfLover AKA
"The Elf HATER"!
But I am not here to
accuse. No, indeed, as a neutrally aligned human warrior, I am
here to simply deliver a message for my old friend and oft companion
Larry Pressfield, who, just before shutting his parents' basement
door in my face in an act of symbolic retreat from the world,
asked a boon of me -- to deliver the following message:
Sir, I do not deign to respond in kind to your response
to my response to your sick and problematic message of Elven-hatred.
History itself will tell the tale of your twisted character --
why need I, sir? Why need I?
However, in order
to clarify to those (especially the nongamer) who might happen upon these
now very public correspondences, I will clarify some points you
made (often incorrectly, which simply reaffirms my doubts about
your gaming lore):
In your last mindless
rant, you spat,
"...if the 'Elves'
cannot distinguish between the comments of an individual and
the public sentiment of a clan... then that, SIR, sounds like
a problem with the logic facilities of the Elves of the Greater
St Louis Region."
Believe me, sir, when I tell you that ignoring
the blatherings of an individual dwarf roleplayer is a habit
which all Elven roleplayers acquire -- else a major dwarf-felling
would have taken place and your race would be nought but a bad
See, Dwarfy Do,"
as we Elves say when referring to the Masticators of Mud, and
your message was quickly embraced by the players of the Dwarf
Hold of Missouri, who began emulating their latest, ahem, hero
-- you, sir. YOU. As such, the situation quickly
became intolerable, and you, in your hubris and folly, did not
issue forth a satisfactory retraction that might have cooled
the fires you had stoked, thus forcing our retreat from the Missouri
gaming world, sir. You showed the Elven kind no respect nor honor
-- and if we were to go to battle with your kind at our side
sir, how could we trust that your kind would not sink their bland
battleaxes into our turned backs?
Furthermore, you said:
"What really surprises
me is the great coincidence that a person I spent a few nights
gaming with over five years ago found my article on Dwarves.
If this has any bearing on the research ability of the Elves
of the Greater St Louis Region, then I must applaud you on your
I have played many
a roleplay game,
and it surprises me not that we have sat at the same table (needless
to say, this will probably not happen again, except in personal
combat!). Furthermore, it took but a moment to research EGSLMR's
extensive archives to find your file under "Dwarves: Radicals."
Applause is richly deserved, for our archives are rich and vast
-- we Elves never forget nothing.
But to continue:
"First, as to this legend of this
'Brennan FistingStar' [SIC], I must say that if all Elven
legends are created through an error of game play mechanics,
then a weak race they must be. For rolling extra damage with
a bare fist is an impossibility. For damage by a fist is determined
by D6 - 2 and extra damage is determined by natural roll of six
only if there are no negative modifiers to the damage."
willful display of disingenous disinformation will not be tolerated!
For it is a common
House Rule throughout the Warhammer gaming world that:
1. should a warrior possess the
skill "Mighty Blow"...
2. should a warrior possess the
skill "Street Fighting"...
3. should the warrior possess a
signifcant strength (usually 4 or higher)...
4. and should that warrior role
a natural 6 in the midst of a fistfight...
5. ...then extra damage should accrue,
should said warrior pass his Weapon Skill test, of course.
This rule simply reflects
that one may be felled due to a punch in the head! Hardly a day passes when we haven't
heard of yet another boxer in the Real World who has been sent
to the Nether World by one who is arguably trained in Street
Fighting, who possesses Mighty Blow, who as greater strength
than the average man, and who succeeds in landing a blow -- against
all odds, mind you -- that fells his opponent.
The fact that a hero
-- Brennan Morningstar, sir -- landed such a devastating blow as to successfully
disintegrate his opponent's skull into so much blood-mist does
not surprise me in the least. Hero's are capable of such
Futhermore, sir, this
is a rule that you yourself played under during your stint as Gully Granitehead! For
the GM under which you played as Gully played with the same House
Rule as the GM who oversaw Brennan Morningstar's heroic one-punch
slaughter of his nemesis! Indeed, they played their campaigns
in the same house! And while your file doesn't indicate
you had ever taken advantage of said House Rule (probably because
of your stumpy dwarf arms, ha ha), nevertheless, you played with
This is, in one word,
HYPOCRISY on your part, sir! Defend yourself,
if you can! (Not that I care, for I will not be of this world
any longer and thus won't care to dabble in this affair any longer!
But I imagine your readers will feel that, unless you can defend
your position, you're a bawd of the worst sort, sir!)
concede your point concerning the crossbow and pistol confusion.
As Elflord of the Elves of the Greater St. Louis Metropolitan,
you can expect, sir, that I have played many a campaign, and
while a veteran gamer, even veteran gamers can make mistakes.
Not many, though.
But enough of this! I
wipe my hands of you and your kind! You have sent the Free Gaming
Association of Missouri to HELL, sir, with your rashness. I hope
you find some sort forgiveness from your gods, for you shall
find none from Elves throughout the world!
High Elflord of EGSLMR,
December 23, 2000
Thus the boon which The
Elflord foisted upon me is accomplished; the mission is complete
-- I will now use my resulting experience points to finish out
my Mercenary Captain career by upgrading my Leadership and Willpower,
for the Dark Days are now upon us, and such qualities will be
useful as I lead my army into the field of battle against the
arrayed and overwhelming forces of evil. It's a good thing I
still have a couple fate points left!
One last thing, however
-- while I may be neutral toward all races, I am not without
my dislikes of individuals. For utterly destroying the Balance
of Power in Missouri, you, Mr. Davenport, have rightly earned
the condemnation of all roleplayers who embrace Truth and Justice
and Fair Play!
END PUBLIC COMMUNICATION
-- DO NOT INCLUDE THE FOLLOWING WITH THE PUBLIC RESPONSE:
You may, however, redeem
yourself still. The Emperor Himself has communicated to me that
he'd be willing to overlook your crimes should you take to the
field in defense of the Dwarf Hold of Missouri and The Human
Empire, bringing with you any and all roleplayers you see fit.
For it is indeed within our records (not as extensive as the
Elves, but still rather good) that you are indeed a gamer of
note and renown. Your very presence will very likely raise the
morale of both Human and Dwarf as we fight against the Tides
of Doom! What say you, DwarfLover? Ride by my side into the gaping
maw of glorious glory!
With all due respect,
of the Human Empire,
January 10, 2001