No Apologies! Press




Wear the Black Armband in Memory of Our Departed Allies!!

(Simply print this article, cut out the black field, and you have yourself a great way to express your admiration and respect for The Elves of the Great St. Louis Metropolitan Region! If you only can print on letter-size paper, just tape or staple the separate pieces into one magnificent whole!)



























 For Shame, DwarfLover!

by Duke Suetir Borlan
of the Human Empire, Springfield, Missouri


Behold! It is I, Duke Suetir Borlan of the Human Empire of Springfield, Missouri! A veteran participant of many a RPG systems and gaming clubs am I, as well as an accomplished player of many races -- including Half-Orcs!

But for the past five years, I have played strictly human warriors, for I had decided that one must concentrate on playing one class and one race in order to finally -- after many years of trials, tribulations, and triumphs -- gain the wisdom and insight that playing the same class and race over many years will impart upon said dedicated player.

That wisdom and insight, being imparted upon myself, revealeth what it is I do now! And that wisdom and insight being imparted in myself is, in a single word:


As such, recognized by many within the Great State of Missouri as a diplomat who can lean towards both the chaotic and lawful aspects of gaming, cope with the inherent schizophrenia of a neutrally aligned player, and not be steeped in the limiting and one-dimensional animosities with which many other races must (if they play out their roles correctly) wrestle (thus blunting their experience of the gaming world in which they partake), I have been sent forth by The Elflord of the Elves of the Greater St. Louis Metropolitan Region (EGSLMR) to present his answer to your most recent communication to himself --

-- which basically responded in a determinedly aggravating and (dare I say it?) dimwitted manner to his defense of elves and the gamers who play them whom you attacked in your elf-disparaging diatribe for no apparent good reason (though I am open to the possibility that you may had had a good reason to jeapordize The Alliance...) --

-- in a manner befitting a neutral and an ally of the Dwarven Hold of Missouri and once-ally of EGSLMR.

As you probably know, the Elves of the Greater St. Louis Metropolitan Region have withdrawn from the Gaming Community of the State. Their gaming sessions are now closed to the other races; their participation in Alliance actions no longer expected.

Indeed, these are the Dark Days. Already the Kansas City Orc Clans have tested the Empire's defenses, both in roleplayed adventures and tabletop figurine skirmishes, and I dare say, we were sorely tested. Even now their allies, the Chaos Hordes found throughtout the state and beyond (IN VIOLATION OF THE GAMING AGREEMENT, I MIGHT ADD!), prepare for their first major thrust into the Bright Lands. Just this morning I received a report from a Half-Orc spy (I maintain relations with many of my former brethren, which I can, since I have no racial animosities or hatreds!) that the first of these battles will take place in live action battle!

Needless to say, without EGSLMR, the Human Empire and the Dwarf Hold face the Dark Days. Will we hold against the Chaos Hordes? Will we send the Orc Clans back to that cesspool that is KC? Or will those wiley, cheating bastards rip up our character sheets before our very eyes?!

All this, mind you, has been precipitated by one Chris Davenport, The DwarfLover AKA "The Elf HATER"!

But I am not here to accuse. No, indeed, as a neutrally aligned human warrior, I am here to simply deliver a message for my old friend and oft companion Larry Pressfield, who, just before shutting his parents' basement door in my face in an act of symbolic retreat from the world, asked a boon of me -- to deliver the following message:


Sir, I do not deign to respond in kind to your response to my response to your sick and problematic message of Elven-hatred. History itself will tell the tale of your twisted character -- why need I, sir? Why need I?

However, in order to clarify to those (especially the nongamer) who might happen upon these now very public correspondences, I will clarify some points you made (often incorrectly, which simply reaffirms my doubts about your gaming lore):

In your last mindless rant, you spat, sir:

"...if the 'Elves' cannot distinguish between the comments of an individual and the public sentiment of a clan... then that, SIR, sounds like a problem with the logic facilities of the Elves of the Greater St Louis Region."

Believe me, sir, when I tell you that ignoring the blatherings of an individual dwarf roleplayer is a habit which all Elven roleplayers acquire -- else a major dwarf-felling would have taken place and your race would be nought but a bad memory!

But, "Dwarfy See, Dwarfy Do," as we Elves say when referring to the Masticators of Mud, and your message was quickly embraced by the players of the Dwarf Hold of Missouri, who began emulating their latest, ahem, hero -- you, sir. YOU. As such, the situation quickly became intolerable, and you, in your hubris and folly, did not issue forth a satisfactory retraction that might have cooled the fires you had stoked, thus forcing our retreat from the Missouri gaming world, sir. You showed the Elven kind no respect nor honor -- and if we were to go to battle with your kind at our side sir, how could we trust that your kind would not sink their bland battleaxes into our turned backs?

Furthermore, you said:

"What really surprises me is the great coincidence that a person I spent a few nights gaming with over five years ago found my article on Dwarves. If this has any bearing on the research ability of the Elves of the Greater St Louis Region, then I must applaud you on your researching facility."

I have played many a roleplay game, and it surprises me not that we have sat at the same table (needless to say, this will probably not happen again, except in personal combat!). Furthermore, it took but a moment to research EGSLMR's extensive archives to find your file under "Dwarves: Radicals." Applause is richly deserved, for our archives are rich and vast -- we Elves never forget nothing.

But to continue:

"First, as to this legend of this 'Brennan FistingStar' [SIC], I must say that if all Elven legends are created through an error of game play mechanics, then a weak race they must be. For rolling extra damage with a bare fist is an impossibility. For damage by a fist is determined by D6 - 2 and extra damage is determined by natural roll of six only if there are no negative modifiers to the damage." 

Sir, this willful display of disingenous disinformation will not be tolerated! For it is a common House Rule throughout the Warhammer gaming world that:

1. should a warrior possess the skill "Mighty Blow"...

2. should a warrior possess the skill "Street Fighting"...

3. should the warrior possess a signifcant strength (usually 4 or higher)...

4. and should that warrior role a natural 6 in the midst of a fistfight...

5. ...then extra damage should accrue, should said warrior pass his Weapon Skill test, of course.

This rule simply reflects that one may be felled due to a punch in the head! Hardly a day passes when we haven't heard of yet another boxer in the Real World who has been sent to the Nether World by one who is arguably trained in Street Fighting, who possesses Mighty Blow, who as greater strength than the average man, and who succeeds in landing a blow -- against all odds, mind you -- that fells his opponent.

The fact that a hero -- Brennan Morningstar, sir -- landed such a devastating blow as to successfully disintegrate his opponent's skull into so much blood-mist does not surprise me in the least. Hero's are capable of such felling blows.

Futhermore, sir, this is a rule that you yourself played under during your stint as Gully Granitehead! For the GM under which you played as Gully played with the same House Rule as the GM who oversaw Brennan Morningstar's heroic one-punch slaughter of his nemesis! Indeed, they played their campaigns in the same house! And while your file doesn't indicate you had ever taken advantage of said House Rule (probably because of your stumpy dwarf arms, ha ha), nevertheless, you played with it!

This is, in one word, HYPOCRISY on your part, sir! Defend yourself, if you can! (Not that I care, for I will not be of this world any longer and thus won't care to dabble in this affair any longer! But I imagine your readers will feel that, unless you can defend your position, you're a bawd of the worst sort, sir!)

Finally, I concede your point concerning the crossbow and pistol confusion. As Elflord of the Elves of the Greater St. Louis Metropolitan, you can expect, sir, that I have played many a campaign, and while a veteran gamer, even veteran gamers can make mistakes. Not many, though.

But enough of this! I wipe my hands of you and your kind! You have sent the Free Gaming Association of Missouri to HELL, sir, with your rashness. I hope you find some sort forgiveness from your gods, for you shall find none from Elves throughout the world!

-- Larry Pressfield,
High Elflord of EGSLMR,
December 23, 2000


Thus the boon which The Elflord foisted upon me is accomplished; the mission is complete -- I will now use my resulting experience points to finish out my Mercenary Captain career by upgrading my Leadership and Willpower, for the Dark Days are now upon us, and such qualities will be useful as I lead my army into the field of battle against the arrayed and overwhelming forces of evil. It's a good thing I still have a couple fate points left!

One last thing, however -- while I may be neutral toward all races, I am not without my dislikes of individuals. For utterly destroying the Balance of Power in Missouri, you, Mr. Davenport, have rightly earned the condemnation of all roleplayers who embrace Truth and Justice and Fair Play!


You may, however, redeem yourself still. The Emperor Himself has communicated to me that he'd be willing to overlook your crimes should you take to the field in defense of the Dwarf Hold of Missouri and The Human Empire, bringing with you any and all roleplayers you see fit. For it is indeed within our records (not as extensive as the Elves, but still rather good) that you are indeed a gamer of note and renown. Your very presence will very likely raise the morale of both Human and Dwarf as we fight against the Tides of Doom! What say you, DwarfLover? Ride by my side into the gaping maw of glorious glory!

With all due respect,

-- Duke Suetir Borlan
of the Human Empire
January 10, 2001




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Copyright © 2001, No Apologies! Press on behalf of
Duke Suetir Borlan (Randy Bowman) of the Human Empire