Wednesday July 29, 1:14 AM ET


by Hesah McToole,

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Speculations of a U.S. invasion of Iraq took another step towards reality Wednesday, when Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld accidentally outlined the plan of attack in intimate detail.

"'Operation Under God' will commence on November 1st," Rumsfeld said. "We'll send elements of the 31st Marine Expedition Unit to land off the coast of southern Iraq. At the beaches of a town called Abadan, to be exact."

When asked how many Marines would be employed in the operation, Rumsfeld answered, "Without getting into specifics, I'd say between 1,500 and 2,000 combat personal, with another 3,000 in support."

Rumsfeld, who appeared to need to confide, then blurted out, "Well, if y'all can keep a secret, you could probably say we'll be sending in somewhere between 1,700 and 1,750 combat personal."

He then added, "But don't tell Saddam [Hussein], okay?"

As the press corps continued taking notes, Rumsfeld kept talking.

"Actually, the whole Marine invasion is really just a distraction. While Saddam races a large number of his units south to engage the 31st , we'll secretly parachute a part of the 325th Airborne Infantry Regiment into the heart of Baghdad in a lightning strike on Saddam's presidential palace and command centers."

Before anyone could ask, Rumsfeld added, "This will occur on November 2, at 6:35 PM, Eastern time. Man, Saddam's gonna be so surprised."

"At approximately 6:45, the 'Blue Falcon' battalion will lead the charge into the palace, at which point Task Force Seven will split off from the main battle group to hunt down Saddam."

Rumsfeld took a breath before continuing.

"When the task force enters the palace through its Eastern Gate, they'll disable the resistance of the expected 60 presidential guards. Then, at 6:56, we plan to film Corporal John Applestone facing off one-on-one with an escaping Saddam."

An assistant to Rumsfeld then held up a large placard bearing the image of Corporal John Applestone.

"Corporal Applestone will suffer from not one, but two shots -- one to each arm -- as Saddam laughs maniacally. It will appear that America will once again be utterly humiliated by its inability to capture the bastard.

"But then, Applestone will reach deep into his red-blooded American heart and find the strength he needs to lift his shattered arms, heft his weapon and vaporize Saddam, popping him like a blood balloon and leaving nothing but a red mist hanging in the air."

When asked if he was worried that details of the impending invasion would prompt Saddam to prepare his forces, Rumsfeld appeared unworried.

"It's not like I told you guys everything."

An aide then whispered into his ear, after which Rumsfeld announced that he had, after all, revealed most of the U.S. invasion plan.

"But what you don't know is that on November 4, Applestone will have his face plastered all over the country's hero-hungry consciousness, and with him personifying America's new 'Will to Win' attitude, he'll make the perfect posterboy for the Republican Party during the mid-term elections on November 7th, in which the Party of Personal Responsibility will hopefully recapture the Senate and retain the House."

Rumsfeld then said, "Wait, I didn't say that. This invasion is not a political ploy. You news types are cynical bastards.

"I call take-backs! Hey, I know, let me tell you what we have planned for North Korea on November 1, 2004!"


NA!P Presents | No Apologies! Press
Copyright © 2002, No Apologies! Press







Secret Department of
Defense plan for
"Operation Under God"
(click to enlarge)





Rumsfeld asked members
of the press to keep
details of "Operation
Under God" to themselves.





Saddam Hussein is expected
to be "utterly and totally
surprised" by U.S. invasion.
"He won't know what hit him,"
declared Rumsfeld.





Corporal Johnny Applestone
also lifts weights.













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