Wednesday July 29, 1:14
AM ET
U.S. TO INVADE IRAQ NOVEMBER 1ST, 2002
by Hesah McToole,
NA!P NNYKYN NewsWire
WASHINGTON, D.C.
-- Speculations of a U.S. invasion of Iraq took another step
towards reality Wednesday, when Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld
accidentally outlined the plan of attack in intimate detail.
"'Operation Under God' will commence
on November 1st," Rumsfeld said. "We'll send elements
of the 31st Marine Expedition Unit to land off the coast of southern
Iraq. At the beaches of a town called Abadan, to be exact."
When asked how many Marines would be employed
in the operation, Rumsfeld answered, "Without getting into
specifics, I'd say between 1,500 and 2,000 combat personal, with
another 3,000 in support."
Rumsfeld, who appeared to need to confide,
then blurted out, "Well, if y'all can keep a secret, you
could probably say we'll be sending in somewhere between 1,700
and 1,750 combat personal."
He then added, "But don't tell Saddam
[Hussein], okay?"
As the press corps continued taking notes,
Rumsfeld kept talking.
"Actually, the whole Marine invasion
is really just a distraction. While Saddam races a large number
of his units south to engage the 31st , we'll secretly parachute
a part of the 325th Airborne Infantry Regiment into the heart
of Baghdad in a lightning strike on Saddam's presidential palace
and command centers."
Before anyone could ask, Rumsfeld added,
"This will occur on November 2, at 6:35 PM, Eastern time.
Man, Saddam's gonna be so surprised."
SOLDIER SLATED TO BE HERO
"At approximately 6:45, the 'Blue Falcon' battalion will
lead the charge into the palace, at which point Task Force Seven
will split off from the main battle group to hunt down Saddam."
Rumsfeld took a breath before continuing.
"When the task force enters the palace
through its Eastern Gate, they'll disable the resistance of the
expected 60 presidential guards. Then, at 6:56, we plan to film
Corporal John Applestone facing off one-on-one with an escaping
Saddam."
An assistant to Rumsfeld then held up a
large placard bearing the image of Corporal John Applestone.
"Corporal Applestone will suffer from
not one, but two shots -- one to each arm -- as Saddam laughs
maniacally. It will appear that America will once again be utterly
humiliated by its inability to capture the bastard.
"But then, Applestone will reach deep
into his red-blooded American heart and find the strength he
needs to lift his shattered arms, heft his weapon and vaporize
Saddam, popping him like a blood balloon and leaving nothing
but a red mist hanging in the air."
INVASION NOT A POLITICAL TACTIC
When asked if he was worried that details of the impending invasion
would prompt Saddam to prepare his forces, Rumsfeld appeared
unworried.
"It's not like I told you guys everything."
An aide then whispered into his ear, after
which Rumsfeld announced that he had, after all, revealed most
of the U.S. invasion plan.
"But what you don't know is that on
November 4, Applestone will have his face plastered all over
the country's hero-hungry consciousness, and with him personifying
America's new 'Will to Win' attitude, he'll make the perfect
posterboy for the Republican Party during the mid-term elections
on November 7th, in which the Party of Personal Responsibility
will hopefully recapture the Senate and retain the House."
Rumsfeld then said, "Wait, I didn't
say that. This invasion is not a political ploy. You news types
are cynical bastards.
"I call take-backs! Hey, I know, let
me tell you what we have planned for North Korea on November
1, 2004!"
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