Friday, September 13,
1:14 AM ET
IRAQ "PREEMPTIVELY
SURRENDERS" TO U.S.
by Hesah McToole,
NA!P NNYKYN NewsWire
WASHINGTON, D.C.
-- Responding to the imminent
U.S. invasion, Iraq's National Assembly took the unusual
step of "total and unconditional preemptive surrender"
early this morning.
The Iraqi legislative body then arrested
Saddam Hussein, destroyed all weapons of mass destruction and
attempted to surrender to U.S. armed forces before those forces
had even entered the country.
Appearing on international television, Deputy Prime
Minister Tariq Aziz, temporary head of the new government, called
for an end of the yet-to-start war.
"Please, please, do not bomb us again,"
pleaded Aziz, speaking from the steps of the bomb-scarred National
Assembly building.
"While we do not have much left to
destroy since the Gulf War, and although we couldn't rebuild
due to U.N. sanctions, we'd hate to lose what mud-huts we possess
before winter rains wash them away."
Aziz then conducted what appeared to be
a countdown in Arabic, at which point all the legislators rolled
on their backs, squirming and baring their bellies. Some moaned
"please, please" while others yipped like beaten dogs.
"Please," said Aziz, "please,
we try for weeks now to
surrender to mighty United States, please."
HARD TO SURRENDER TO PILOTS
"Is that what they was trying to do?" chuckled Lt.
Chuck Spackleworth, a USAF fighter pilot who patrols the No-Fly
Zone in Northern Iraq.
"I kept seeing these hungry-looking
guys running around the desert, waving these big giant white
sheets in the air," Spackleworth said.
"Some of them had 'We surrender' written
on them with their own blood. I guess writing in blood is what
happens when you ain't allowed to import Bics into your country."
"You know, when I conduct airstrikes
-- that's when I go and blow up shit even though we're not officiallly
at war yet -- it's kind of hard to slow down the fighter to accept
their surrender."
WEAPONS DESTROYED
Hours later, Aziz called for the complete destruction of Iraq's
entire stockpile of weapons of mass destruction.
"The people of Iraq and its government
wish to
demonstrate utter and abject surrender to United States by complying
wholeheartedly with demands to expose and destroy all weapons
of mass destruction," Aziz announced.
Iraqi police, appearing underfed, then
blew up five barrels of chemical fertilizer with the one remaining
case of TNT remaining in the country. The explosion was cheered
on by a handful of malnourished and diseased citizens.
"We surrender! We surrender!"
called out several thin children, waving tiny replicas of the
Stars and Stripes.
WASHINGTON SKEPTICAL
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfield dismissed the notion of a
"preemptive surrender" as "stupid."
"There's no such thing," Rumsfeld
insisted. "No one's ever done it before and I don't see
why the Iraqis think they can start making up new tactics now.
This is just another of Saddam's tricks, and we're still on target
to
invade Iraq on November 1 -- that's when they can think about
surrendering."
Later, President Bush echoed Rumsfeld doubts.
"See, the thing is, is that the Murican
people already been lied to a bunch by that Saddat," Bush
said from Air Force One. "We ain't falling for another one
of his lives again."
"No, see, we hate Saddam!" Ariz
responded later, whacking an enraged Hussein several times with
a stick. "See? We hate Saddam, United States hates Saddam!"
"We friends now! Please, please, no
more war!"
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