Friday, September 13, 1:14 AM ET

IRAQ "PREEMPTIVELY
SURRENDERS" TO U.S.

by Hesah McToole,
NA!P NNYKYN NewsWire

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Responding to the imminent U.S. invasion, Iraq's National Assembly took the unusual step of "total and unconditional preemptive surrender" early this morning.

The Iraqi legislative body then arrested Saddam Hussein, destroyed all weapons of mass destruction and attempted to surrender to U.S. armed forces before those forces had even entered the country.

Appearing on international television, Deputy Prime
Minister Tariq Aziz, temporary head of the new government, called for an end of the yet-to-start war.

"Please, please, do not bomb us again," pleaded Aziz, speaking from the steps of the bomb-scarred National Assembly building.

"While we do not have much left to destroy since the Gulf War, and although we couldn't rebuild due to U.N. sanctions, we'd hate to lose what mud-huts we possess before winter rains wash them away."

Aziz then conducted what appeared to be a countdown in Arabic, at which point all the legislators rolled on their backs, squirming and baring their bellies. Some moaned "please, please" while others yipped like beaten dogs.

"Please," said Aziz, "please, we try for weeks now to
surrender to mighty United States, please."


HARD TO SURRENDER TO PILOTS

"Is that what they was trying to do?" chuckled Lt. Chuck Spackleworth, a USAF fighter pilot who patrols the No-Fly Zone in Northern Iraq.

"I kept seeing these hungry-looking guys running around the desert, waving these big giant white sheets in the air," Spackleworth said.

"Some of them had 'We surrender' written on them with their own blood. I guess writing in blood is what happens when you ain't allowed to import Bics into your country."

"You know, when I conduct airstrikes -- that's when I go and blow up shit even though we're not officiallly at war yet -- it's kind of hard to slow down the fighter to accept their surrender."


WEAPONS DESTROYED

Hours later, Aziz called for the complete destruction of Iraq's entire stockpile of weapons of mass destruction.

"The people of Iraq and its government wish to
demonstrate utter and abject surrender to United States by complying wholeheartedly with demands to expose and destroy all weapons of mass destruction," Aziz announced.

Iraqi police, appearing underfed, then blew up five barrels of chemical fertilizer with the one remaining case of TNT remaining in the country. The explosion was cheered on by a handful of malnourished and diseased citizens.

"We surrender! We surrender!" called out several thin children, waving tiny replicas of the Stars and Stripes.


WASHINGTON SKEPTICAL

Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfield dismissed the notion of a "preemptive surrender" as "stupid."

"There's no such thing," Rumsfeld insisted. "No one's ever done it before and I don't see why the Iraqis think they can start making up new tactics now. This is just another of Saddam's tricks, and we're still on target to invade Iraq on November 1 -- that's when they can think about surrendering."

Later, President Bush echoed Rumsfeld doubts.

"See, the thing is, is that the Murican people already been lied to a bunch by that Saddat," Bush said from Air Force One. "We ain't falling for another one of his lives again."

"No, see, we hate Saddam!" Ariz responded later, whacking an enraged Hussein several times with a stick. "See? We hate Saddam, United States hates Saddam!"

"We friends now! Please, please, no more war!"

 


NA!P Presents | No Apologies! Press
Copyright © 2002, No Apologies! Press

 

 

 

 

 

 


BREAKING NEWS:
U.S. to invade Iraq on
November 1, 2003
(click to read story)

 

 

 

 


Rumsfeld asks members
of the press to not take much stock in a "preemptive surrender."

 

 

 

 


Saddam Hussein reportedly no longer owns this gun.

 

 

 

 


Lt. Chuck Spackleworth
also lifts weights.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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