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Diane Kruger's hot. But you wouldn't think so if you read the critics. Give an unknown actress a bad script and a watch the desperately fat harpies and sad, lonely dudes take out their frustrations with the entertainment industry ignoring their pathetic movie scripts out on her.

No Apologies! Press scoured the Internet, compiled a list of said quotes, then ranked them in order of nastiness. Opinions will vary, of course, as to which are the worst, but we think we're pretty close. Congratulations to all the who made the list:

#15 LISA KENNEDY, Denver Post:
"Kruger is fetching enough. But it is hard to believe Helen is the most beautiful woman in the world. The blondest woman in Troy, perhaps."

#14 KAREN KARBO, The Oregonian:
"Helen was one of the most beautiful, charismatic women in history; Kruger's pretty in the manner of dozens of young women you might see at the mall on a Saturday afternoon"

#13 ERIC HARRISON, Houston Chronicle
"Hers is the legendary 'face that launched 1,000 ships,' but except for her having blond hair it's hard to understand the fuss -- Achilles' tent mates are just as cute."

#12 MICHAEL SRAGOW, The Baltimore Sun
"[Orlando] Bloom is actually prettier than Kruger..."

#11 TOM RYAN, The Age (Australia)
"Kruger is awful as the woman who launched a lot of CGI."

"At this point you may be wondering, does 'Troy' at least give us a believable Helen -- a woman whose face might, conceivably, have launched 1,000 ships? The answer is, unfortunately, no. With her sun-kissed, bland sweetness, Kruger is pretty enough in a Darien, Connecticut, kind of way -- not exactly Helen of Troy, but maybe Helen of Abercrombie & Fitch. (Think of her as the face that launched 1,000 golf carts.)"



GLENN WHIPP, L.A. Daily News:
"The thin-lipped blond Kruger looks more like Helen of Hunt than a woman whose face would launch a thousand ships."



STEPHEN HUNTER, Washington Post:
"Is this the face that launched a thousand ships? Opinions will vary, of course, but I'd rate hers as a 457-ship face."



TY BURR, Boston Globe:
"There is indeed a legendary beauty in "Troy" -- a face that brings the ancient world to its knees, a being whose grace is such that grown men feel stupid and ashamed in its presence. I speak, of course, of Brad Pitt. ...

"Kruger as Helen? She's lovely enough -- a face to launch, I don't know, 274 ships -- although I kept forgetting she wasn't Robin Wright Penn."



"Kruger's bland, pinched-looking Helen can barely launch an audible sentence let alone a thousand ships."



"In truth, this Helen has a face that would launch maybe a hundred ships -- although if you throw in that lithe body and a favorable wind, you could bump the number up to 250."



RUSSELL BAILLIE, The New Zealand Herald:
"You can't but help think the ship-to-face ratio of German model Diane Kruger as Helen is more in the high two-figure than four-figure range."



RICK GROEN, Globe & Mail (Canada):
"As launching pads go, I'd put her down for 10 or 12 at most."



MICK LASALLE, San Francisco Chronicle:
"The Helen of Troy we get here, as played by Diane Kruger, looks more like Helen of Troy, N.Y. -- a pretty girl who could easily launch a paddle boat, maybe, or a couple of canoes, but that's about all."



BRUCE NEWMAN, San Jose Mercury News:
"It's puzzling that they were willing to spend $200 million to make this movie, but wouldn't pony up for an actress with a face actually worthy of launching a thousand ships. Kruger looks less like one of history's great beauties than the third cheerleader from the left at a basketball game."

The Top 15 Wicked Film Critics'
Descriptions of Diane Kruger,
AKA "Helen of Troy"

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Original content is copyright 2004, No Apologies! Press