Thursday, October 26, 3:53 AM EST
STUDY: LOOSE LADIES LIVE LONGER
by Hesah McToole,
NA!P NewsWire
LOS ALAMOS, N.M.
-- Promiscuous females tend to live longer than "uptight"
women, according to an in-depth scientific study conducted by
scientists at the Los Alamos National Laboratory.
"We have a
graph that proves it," announced Doctor Douglas Schueman,
lead researcher of the project.
The data, gathered over the course of two
decades, suggests that a woman who inserts penes into her vagina
more often than the average woman will live longer -- often decades
longer.
Conversely, women who partake in the carnal
pleasures less often than the average woman die in their late
20s and early 30s.
"According to our calculations, Jennifer
Lopez is immortal," Schueman said.
HALF A MILLION WOMEN STUDIED
The study, involving 525,756 women over 19 years, did not focus
on specifics but on a general trend. To keep bias out of the
results, scientists placed bags over their subjects' heads while
intercoursing with them.
"We kept it professional so that the
differently beautiful couldn't muck up the numbers," Schueman
said.
While the numbers behind the academics
are convincing, Schueman noted that a few particular groups actually
lived longer when exhibiting man-hater behavior.
"There were major exceptions,"
Schueman said, citing Miami crackwhores and the women of Islamic
countries -- where stoning is the penalty for getting some on
the side -- as major examples.
"But if you're not in those groups,
you should be all right," he hastily added.
N.O.W. REFUTES RESULTS, PROBABLY
In response to the rock-hard evidence, the National Organization
for Women immediately called a press conference, but no one bothered
to attend it.
UGLY WOMEN CAN LIVE LONGER, TOO
Nothing in the study suggests that ugly women cannot also benefit
from the life-preserving technique -- it's simply may be more
of a challenge.
"Listen, I've got 141 lovers and,
statistically, some of them must be total dogs," Schueman
said.
"If it weren't for the bags over some
women's heads, I may have never gone through with the deed, so
to speak. But this fact shouldn't prevent the alternatively pretty
from extending their lives."
According to Schueman, less-than-pretty
women should frequent bars more often, make their intent to have
intercourse with a man apparent, and visit online chatrooms and
boads where they can flirt with anonymous men without fear of
immediate rejection.
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