S SCIENCE

 Thursday, October 26, 3:53 AM EST

STUDY: LOOSE LADIES LIVE LONGER

by Hesah McToole,
NA!P NewsWire

LOS ALAMOS, N.M. -- Promiscuous females tend to live longer than "uptight" women, according to an in-depth scientific study conducted by scientists at the Los Alamos National Laboratory.

"We have a graph that proves it," announced Doctor Douglas Schueman, lead researcher of the project.

The data, gathered over the course of two decades, suggests that a woman who inserts penes into her vagina more often than the average woman will live longer -- often decades longer.

Conversely, women who partake in the carnal pleasures less often than the average woman die in their late 20s and early 30s.

"According to our calculations, Jennifer Lopez is immortal," Schueman said.


HALF A MILLION WOMEN STUDIED

The study, involving 525,756 women over 19 years, did not focus on specifics but on a general trend. To keep bias out of the results, scientists placed bags over their subjects' heads while intercoursing with them.

"We kept it professional so that the differently beautiful couldn't muck up the numbers," Schueman said.

While the numbers behind the academics are convincing, Schueman noted that a few particular groups actually lived longer when exhibiting man-hater behavior.

"There were major exceptions," Schueman said, citing Miami crackwhores and the women of Islamic countries -- where stoning is the penalty for getting some on the side -- as major examples.

"But if you're not in those groups, you should be all right," he hastily added.


N.O.W. REFUTES RESULTS, PROBABLY

In response to the rock-hard evidence, the National Organization for Women immediately called a press conference, but no one bothered to attend it.


UGLY WOMEN CAN LIVE LONGER, TOO

Nothing in the study suggests that ugly women cannot also benefit from the life-preserving technique -- it's simply may be more of a challenge.

"Listen, I've got 141 lovers and, statistically, some of them must be total dogs," Schueman said.

"If it weren't for the bags over some women's heads, I may have never gone through with the deed, so to speak. But this fact shouldn't prevent the alternatively pretty from extending their lives."

According to Schueman, less-than-pretty women should frequent bars more often, make their intent to have intercourse with a man apparent, and visit online chatrooms and boads where they can flirt with anonymous men without fear of immediate rejection.


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Scienceterrific chart
that proves case

(click to read)

 


Will live to see humanity
colonize Mars

 


Will live to see the
end of time

 


This chick lived to
be 103 years old

 


Even ugly chicks can
hit it and enjoy a long life

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