Monday October 8, 13:30 PM ET

OP/ED
Keeping America on the Internet

by the NA!P Editorial Board, Per Curiam

On Tuesday September 11, 2001, the United States faced a national tragedy. It was really sad because we lost lots of potential advertisers. That was YOUR fault. (Not to mention a lot of people got hurt, because that's sad too.)

I will always remember where I was when I heard the news; the same place I can always be found: In my office, checking site stats. And the news, indeed, became worse.

(Well, even more worse than you know. I mean, when the towers collapsed, that was "worse" for most people. But when I say "worse," I mean worse than your "worse." You could even say, "worst.")

Traffic on No Apologies! Press and its affiliate sites, NA!P Presents, Future Retard, That Cavortin' Bastard Sez, Crazy Asian Drinks, GHC, DwarfLover, Reading Rainbow, Quasi-Thinking & Pseudo-Learning, Links, Updates, Banners, and also our No-Name Newsletter fell precipitously. How much? Like, a lot.

Enough to discourage potential advertisers!

You know, we get why you weren't coming to the site. Sure, it's a tragedy. And perhaps you weren't in the mood for really good third-rate shit. But still!

Someone once said, "Now is the time that tests such and such" I forget but it said something about "patriots." Well, nows the time to send us cash, patriots.

Despite the tragedy, we keep America rolling. I mean, keep America flying. No, wait, I mean keep you on the Internet Superhighway -- some slogan like that, but catchier. We haven't given up on you (even though most of you are just sycophantic followers who refuse to spread the word about NA!P because you're afraid we'll sell-out [which we would if we could but that's neither here nor there] to some major media player), so don't give up on us!

Visit the site! Read it! Recommend it! And although we have no ads to click or stuff to buy, just send us cash! A lot of it! And tell the people you send to the site stuff like, "You know, there's this really GREAT site you need to read but you should send 'em $50 before I tell you about it."

We at NA!P are keeping you on the Superhighway of the Internet. THE NEW NEWS, with its in-depth and complete America Strikes Back® coverage, alone is worth, like, $10 or something. That is our solemn pledge.

And here, I will make another solemn pledge: If you, the readers of NA!P, send us $500,000, we'll give some of it to charity. Because in this time of crisis, we all need to chip in and stuff, because the terrorists, in destroying our, like, symbol of capitalism, didn't destroy capitalism. It's like when they burn the Stars & Stripes, right? So what! We're still around, spending cash on the sites we like!

God Bless the American Way. And spend money on us, because if you don't, you're practically a terrorist! Booga booga! Ha ha, just kidding.


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Full Disclosure: As per THE NEW NEWS policy to "let truth lead us," we hereby disclose that THE NEW NEWS is an affiliate of No Apologies! Press. In no way has the affiliation of THE NEW NEWS affected its coverage of No Apologies! Press.

Copyright © 2001, No Apologies! Press

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CONTINUING
UP-TO-THE-MINUTE
COVERAGE

BREAKING NEWS:
NA!P Sues Networks Over Retaliation Slogan
Claiming that the "America Strikes Back ®" slogan belongs to them, NA!P filed an infringement suit today against the NBC, CNN and Fox. <more>

FOOD:
America Strikes Back ® Bundt Cake
Here's the perfect way to show your patriotism -- bake a cake! <more>

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