Wednesday June 27, 1:14 AM ET

TAX REFUND CHECKS BOUNCE

by Hesah McToole,
NA!P NNYKYN NewsWire

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Americans who received the first round of tax-refunds from the government last Friday were shocked Monday to discover that the checks, ranging from $300 to $600, had bounced.

The checks were meant to herald George W. Bush's first political victory as president with the passage of his controversial $1.3 trillion tax cut. Instead, it has become another embarrassment.

"Dammit, what did I vote for Bush for?" said Elmer Kylie of Beckley, W.Va.

"I was banking on that money to get me that new Sunbeam Barbeque from Amazon.com -- you know, the kind that burns gas -- to replace my old Coleman charcoal grill. Now I'm stuck with the dirty bastard."

"Fuck charcoal," Kylie added.

Amazon founder and CEO Jeff Bezos expressed dismay that he would not be able to move the Sunbeam Barbeque.

"Mr. Kylie had shown great interest in acquiring this fine grilling product, featuring dual warming racks and porcelain cooking grid," Bezos said.

"But the deal was hinged upon the timely arrival of a sizable tax refund."

The Coleman Company had no comment and did not return calls.


A NATION MOURNS, EATS
Singer/songwriter Karen O'Malley of Houston had planned to help stimulate the U.S.'s slowing economy with her refund.

"Firstly, I was gonna have me some them big-ass beef ribs at Zack's Smoke Shack, you know?" O'Malley said.

"I was gonna eat me that Big Beef Plate Special with extra sauce, side of corn and not one, but two, biscuits."

With the remaining money, O'Malley would have continued alleviating the country's financial woes with daily purchases of Zack's less expensive products, such as Zack's Pig-Out Snack Pack, which comes with only one biscuit.

She had also planned on diversifying her investments with acquisitions of Baskin-Robbins' Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream.

"Seems the patriotic thing to do, you know? But it's mighty hard to be patriotic without no cash." said O'Malley, a single tear running down her cheek.

"Still, I'll continue to support my country by eating me them delicious pulled pork sandwiches at Zach's. Go Astros!"


"AN ACCOUNTING ERROR, CONSPIRACY"
As news of the bounced checks traveled over the Internet, reports of insurgency and open rebellion forced the White House to issue a short memo that confirmed what economists had widely feared -- the forecasted $5.6 billion surplus over 10 years was actually a deficit.

The White House called the situation "an accounting error by the previous Administration."

As violent dissent continued among the populace -- culminating in the appearance of a "Bush Sucks!" t-shirt on one unnamed man shaking his fist at passers-by in Berkeley, Calif. -- the White House released a second memo that mentioned "a liberal conspiracy."

The release of the memo corresponded with the White House initiation of Chapter 7 bankruptcy proceedings on behalf of the United States.


DREAMS DASHED
But Jimmy Bob Johnson was not consoled by claims of a liberal conspiracy. For Johnson, the events of the past weekend have dashed a life-long dream.

A professional survivalist operating from an undisclosed location in Montana, Johnson claims to have had a "stand-up talking to" with Bush concerning a tax refund as Bush campaigned for the presidency.

"I looked that boy right in the eye an' I says to him, I says, 'If you don't get me back that money the Feds've been stealing from me all my life, well then, I can't afford to join no NRA," Johnson said.

"An' he looked me back in the eye an he says, 'Sir, I'm gonna get you your dinero, by God.'"

"Now that that check done bounce, I'm just heartbroken, I'll tell you what."

Johnson's hope to purchase a life membership with the National Rifle Association is now in doubt. With life membership currently priced at $750, "it may as well be a gazillion bucks without my refund," Johnson stated.

"Other survivalists, they's always tellin' me I oughta just get me a year's membership or somethin'," Johnson said, a single tear running down his cheek.

"But a year's membership is just -- SNIFF -- pussy shit."

NA!P Presents | No Apologies! Press
Copyright © 2001, No Apologies! Press


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