Friday, October 11, 3:53 AM EST

ASHCROFT, FBI BREAK UP ANOTHER 73Rr0!$7 CELL

by Hesah McToole,
NA!P NNYKYN NewsWire

Find the "Leet" translation here.

SAN DIEGO -- Federal agents stormed the houses of two suspected terrorists early yesterday morning after determining they were part of a plot to destroy U.S. cities.

Jacob Martz and Curtis Hughes, well known in the PC gaming community as "w@xx0r" and "l00d@|<ri$" respectively, are now in custody and awaiting a bail hearing.

"Instead of conducting a house invasion of some Arabs like we have in the past, we got us something solid," stated Attorney General John Ashcroft after the raids.

"This time, we have credible evidence that these young Turks had something up their sleeves, by God!"

When asked to describe this evidence, Ashcroft demurred, citing national security.


EVIDENCE IS ELITE

However, Justice Department insiders supplied The New News with a series of emailed exchanges between two suspects, who employed a code called "Leet" (or "l337"), long used by hardcore PC gamers to confuse and scare their opponents.

Leet now appears to be the language of choice for aspiring terrorists. Often noted for poor grammar, atrocious language and bad odors, gamers took their abuse of English to a new level by replacing the alphabet with numbers, symbols and slashes.

Long ignored by the intelligentsia of the nation, Leet now appears to be the perfect conduit for instantaneous terrorist communication.


THREAT IS CLEAR, SORTA

"No JOO 4rE NoT +EH +eRr0R1$+ I @M +Eh +3RroRi5+," one of the emails plainly states. It continues with the ominous line, "i w1LL N3vEr $+0p un+1L I h@vE punI5H3D J00 To dE4TH!"

"This email alone was not enough for us to send in our agents," said a Justice Department official who asked to remain anonymous.

In a latter exchange, one of the would-be terrorists explains that he would come after the other "L1Ke 4l kwaEd@ 0N Crack" ("like Al Qaeda on crack"), which led to the response, "i'|\/| 90i|\|9 +0 9o 54DD4m |-|U5531|\| 4LL 0\/3r yoUR 5+UpId 4S$" ("I'm going to go Saddam Hussein all over your stupid ass").

Those statements, together with threats to "v1ll4g3z" and "c1t13z," was enough to get the FBI involved.


WASHINGTON SKEPTICAL

"We were just talking about 'Age of Empires,'" Martz said from his jail cell. "He kept attacking me so I said I'd attack him back."

"It's just a game!"

Meanwhile, Hughes refused repeated requests for face-to-face interviews, opting instead to scrawl down his response to the entire incident in Leet:

"1 h@\/3 n0+H!|\|G +0 $@y 3Xc3P+ 70 s/\Y |-|@XX0r$ r00L +eh W0rL|) LOLOLOLOLOL! w3 W!LL h@u|\|+ yuO 7!LL J00 d!3 LMAO LMAo! Jo() @r3 my 8!7c|-|3z @Nd I r@P3rz j00r W0|\/|3n +00!!!"

-- King Mongo contributed to this report


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EXCERPTS OF
THE EMAILS

(click to read)

 

 

 


JACOB MARTZ,
AKA "w@xx0r"

 

 

 


CURTIS HUGHES,
AKA "l00d@|<ri$"

 

 

 

 


OTHER "GAMERS" WHO PLAY COMPUTER GAMES, WRITE IN LEET, AND HAVE NO LIVES TO SPEAK OF

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