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"Yahoo! We's too gay!"

That Bastard Sez:




"We'stoo gay too!
In a Grunge way!"

That Bastard Sez:
"I'd love to meet these wuss boys in a dark alley, yeah..."





"My ass is, like, big,
just like my jugs, yo!"

That Bastard Sez:
"Yee-ah, you hot, in an old woman way! Hag, stop talking so much!"




"Check me!"

That Bastard Sez:
"Get a tan or somethin'.
You make me squint."

Sunday, January 16, 2000

Mariah Carey Sucks My Ass and All, Yeah
(Just listen to her raspy ass voice -- where you think that come from?)


My cuz Fat Sal checked out the freaking 1999 American Music Awards the other night. What could That Cavortin' Bastard do? I was stuck, a victim of the broadcasting companies' hypnorays 'n shit.

Based on my impartial peeps (heh), I've awarded some prancin' fools with That Cavortin' Bastard's own awards -- "Tickets to Toss CB's Salad," yeah.

Who's running these cameras? Do we really need to be that close to LONESTAR's front man? Sheeit, I done ever need to look up no cracker's nose, know what I'm sayin?

What's that, you don't know Lonestar? Neither did I, and I wish that remained the case. No brotha needs to watch some boot-strappin', beer-bottle chuckin', ten-gallon hat wearin', six-shooter packin', baccychewin', nearly-died-in-the-Great-Bonfire-Catastrophe-of-1999-but-for-the-Grace-o'-God redneck Texas band singing some kind of kill-me-now love thing. Not ever.

Lonestar gets 5 out of 5 ass-lick tickets to my bung.

And CREED... this is the first time I ever saw Creed. Would-be rockers. Wannabe inheritors of Grunge, if I recall Grunge right -- but they add a soft, silky edge and mixing in some basic rifts which even That Cavortin' Bastard knows is cheap. You guys ain't fly. But when I saw you on the AMA, I saw right through you suckers -- your front man, Scott "Ass Licker" Strap, is 1) gettin' the shaft, and 2) will never be an Eddie Vedder, no matter how much he shakes his head and twitches his lips and looks mournfully into the camera, pleading with the viewer to look beyond his girly hair and silky shirt and see the "true" dude -- except there ain't a true dude, dude, cuz the dude and the rest of his dudes are a bunch of Caspers that would run screaming at the sight of a brotha posse, one that don't pose as a buncha musician-philosophers in search of their humanity or some shit like that. Yeah.


Creed gets 5 out of 5 ass-lick tickets to my stankhole. They'll have themselves a great time.

(And dammit, cameraman for whatever channel you represent, what's with the freaking closeups!?)

For crying out loud, of all the musicians out there who've done stuff, surely they'd've come up with someone more impressive than MARIAH CAREY as the recipient of the "Artist of the Decade."

Artist of the Decade?

Was she ever an Artist of the Year?

I might not like child-lovin' Michael Jackson, winner of the Eighties award, but at least I knew who he was. Who's Mariah Carey, other than some name? What was her hits? WHAT DID SHE DO TO INFLUENCE MUSIC IN ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM, YO? That's right -- nothing. Mariah's gotta be the most anonymous "Artist of the Decade" ever.

This fact probably doesn't bother her none. The way she was flouncing about the stage with those sad milksacks hanging off her, swinging away like your Mama's asswide goiter, I doubt anything bothers Mariah. Lady, ten years ago, and I'd be captivated. Nowadays, you're old to be pulling this crap.

And no one cared a fat woman's fart that you dedicated your award to those Make a Wish Foundation girls, especially since everyone saw you bark out your dedication, drunk as a dog, raspy as a crackhead cocksucka callin' out her wares. You didn't believe what you were saying.

Mariah gets 5 out of 5 ass-lick tickets to my ass.... though with Lonestar and Creed there, she'll have to work hard to make herself standout, a feat she ain't accomplished in her unstoried career.


-- That Cavortin' Bastard


BTW -- NORM worked it. He knew the deal. But man, no comedian ever was so white. 'Cept David Spade. Cracka.

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Copyright © 2000 No Apologies Press! for That Cavorting Bastard 'n crew