January 16, 2000
Mariah Carey Sucks
My Ass and All, Yeah
listen to her raspy ass voice -- where you think that come from?)
My cuz Fat Sal
checked out the freaking 1999 American Music Awards the other
night. What could That Cavortin' Bastard do? I
was stuck, a victim of the broadcasting companies' hypnorays
Based on my impartial
peeps (heh), I've awarded some prancin' fools with That Cavortin'
Bastard's own awards -- "Tickets to Toss CB's Salad,"
Who's running these
cameras? Do we really need to be that close to LONESTAR's
front man? Sheeit, I done ever need to look up no cracker's nose,
know what I'm sayin?
What's that, you
don't know Lonestar? Neither did I, and I wish that remained
the case. No brotha needs to watch some boot-strappin', beer-bottle
chuckin', ten-gallon hat wearin', six-shooter packin', baccychewin',
redneck Texas band singing some kind of kill-me-now love thing.
Lonestar gets 5
out of 5 ass-lick tickets to my bung.
And CREED... this
is the first time I ever saw Creed. Would-be rockers. Wannabe
inheritors of Grunge, if I recall Grunge right -- but they add
a soft, silky edge and mixing in some basic rifts which even
That Cavortin' Bastard knows is cheap. You guys ain't
fly. But when I saw you on the AMA, I saw right through you suckers
-- your front man, Scott "Ass Licker" Strap, is 1)
gettin' the shaft, and 2) will never be an Eddie Vedder, no matter
how much he shakes his head and twitches his lips and looks mournfully
into the camera, pleading with the viewer to look beyond his
girly hair and silky shirt and see the "true" dude
-- except there ain't a true dude, dude, cuz the dude and the
rest of his dudes are a bunch of Caspers that would run screaming
at the sight of a brotha posse, one that don't pose as a buncha
musician-philosophers in search of their humanity or some shit
like that. Yeah.
CREED LICKS ASS!
Creed gets 5 out
of 5 ass-lick tickets to my stankhole. They'll have themselves
a great time.
(And dammit, cameraman
for whatever channel you represent, what's with the freaking
For crying out
loud, of all the musicians out there who've done stuff, surely
they'd've come up with someone more impressive than MARIAH CAREY
as the recipient of the "Artist of the Decade."
Artist of the Decade?
Was she ever an
Artist of the Year?
I might not like
child-lovin' Michael Jackson, winner of the Eighties award, but
at least I knew who he was. Who's Mariah Carey, other than some
name? What was her hits? WHAT DID SHE DO TO INFLUENCE MUSIC IN
ANY WAY, SHAPE, OR FORM, YO? That's right -- nothing. Mariah's
gotta be the most anonymous "Artist of the Decade"
This fact probably
doesn't bother her none. The way she was flouncing about the
stage with those sad milksacks hanging off her, swinging away
like your Mama's asswide goiter, I doubt anything bothers Mariah.
Lady, ten years ago, and I'd be captivated. Nowadays, you're
old to be pulling this crap.
And no one cared
a fat woman's fart that you dedicated your award to those Make
a Wish Foundation girls, especially since everyone saw you bark
out your dedication, drunk as a dog, raspy as a crackhead cocksucka
callin' out her wares. You didn't believe what you were saying.
Mariah gets 5 out
of 5 ass-lick tickets to my ass.... though with Lonestar and
Creed there, she'll have to work hard to make herself standout,
a feat she ain't accomplished in her unstoried career.
That Cavortin' Bastard
BTW -- NORM worked
it. He knew the deal. But man, no comedian ever was so white.
'Cept David Spade. Cracka.