The Cast:

Rudolph says:
"I'm a Jew! I'm a Jew!"






Santa says:
"The ways of England are the ways of the world. Now make the Empire some money ya pointy eared chumps!"






Hermes says:
"I don't want to make dolls. I want to play with them."









Snowman says:
It's a Honky Tonky Christmas."







 Cornelius says:
I can't do all the mining myself! Get the fuckin' bumbles to do it. And have the chinks build me a railway."








The Abominable Snowman says:
Now look here motherfucker! I ain't done shit to you! Spreadin' all those lies 'bout me, sayin' I's a cannibal and shit. Fuck, man, I's jus' tryin' ta get by, ya dig?"

 Wednesday, December 6, 2000

Rudolph the Hook Nosed Reindeer

(Can't the powers that be leave theys agendas outta kiddie shows?)

So, Fat Sal an' me were hangin' out at the food court down at Eastmont Town Center (that's in Oaktown, yo) cause Fat Sal got a mad jones for that Pharaoh's pizza when we runs inta Cherokee Dan. He hangin' wit' his chick and his shorties so I aks 'em if theys gonna be watchin' Rudolph cause me and Fat Sal were gonna sit back wit' our forties and crack up at it later. Cherokee Dan laughs an' says how he ain't settin' his kids down in front of no white ass propaganda bull like that. An his woman's all buggin' that they gotta get on so he tells me an' Fat Sal to just watch it with an open mind, yo. See what they's really sayin' in that show.

So me an' Fat Sal sit back an' fuck me in my dark alley if Dan weren't dead on again. An here be the lowdown on one 'a my used-ta-be favorite holiday specials.

Rudolph starts out wit' a white-ass snow man tellin' us some supposed history. Ain't that the way a' things. Fuckin' right up front, they's got a white guy snowin' us with his version a' history. Fat Sal stopped laughin' at me real quick. He a better white guy than most I know an' we bot' respect Cherokee Dan an' his nose to sniff out this type a' propaganda shit in the media.

So then, Rudolph is born and his dad is all ashamed a' his red nose. All the other reindeer callin' him names, that bastard Claus refusin' to even consider Rudolph for the team. See, Rudolph was a Jew. The hook nose stereotype. The reindeer's parents wouldn't let theys does date no Jew. "No daughter of mine will be seen with a red nosed reindeer." Yeah, I'm hearin' yo speech -- let's ostracize the friggin' Jew.

That bastard Claus is hidelf the Racist Deluxe, yo. Just cause Rudolph bein' a Jew, he ain't gonna give him no job. Santa representin' imperialist, colonizin' England an' the elves are some Indians or Burmese or whoever else they took over to 'civilize' and raped them a' their resources. So Santa be frontin' as a good guy when he's really an imperialist fuck forcing the elves to make caish for him. And Mrs. Claus is all runnin' around worried about status an' shit, tryin' to fatten Santa up so's all the natives recognize how wealthy they is.

So Santa ends doin' his thang, suppressin' the elvish culture an' theys fall right to work for him. 'Cept one who don' quite fit in. He don' seem to act like them otha elves. Don't seem to wanna do the same things they do or be like them. That's cause Hermes is himdelf a homo, yo. He gay. An' the other elves can't accept this an' ostracize him.

So Hermes and Rudolph take off to find somewheres where they ain't gonna be hassled all the time. They meet up wit' Yukon Cornelius, frontin' for American Capitalism. He makin' him a slew a' Dead Prezes on the backs of the lower classes and minorities (they rep'd by his team a' dogs pullin' his sled which are all different breeds). He belly achin' about silver and gold, silver and gold, got ta get me all kinds of motherfuckin' silver an' gold, yo. Bein' America, he lets the Jew and Homo in. Mainly cause theys all white an' he needs some help if'n he ain't gonna be killed by the wild Abominable Snowman.

Now the Abominable Snowman. -- it the BLACK MAN yo! Brotha be himdelf a wild terror a' the jungle (or the Arctic, if that's where your story's taken' place). The American even calls it by his own slang term, the "bumble." Read nigger, yo. I wanted a' whoop that Cornelius's ass back to the silver mine, yeah. So theys end up bein' chased by the Abominable Snowman when Cornelius reveals the wild animals one weakness: it sinks. Sorry old stereotype a' blacks 'n water. And what happens at the end a' this thing? Cornelius cons Rudolph and Hermes inta believin' this snowman is the vilest thing 'round. They team up to destroy it and remove its teeth so it suddenly becomes harmless. They tame the "beast." Then Cornelius puts it on a fuckin' chain and forces it to stick the star on the tree. American fuckin' slavery.

Somewhere along the way theys end up on an island of misfit toys but Fat Sal an' I could only figure they represented retards or somethin'. Specially since they wanted Santa to accept 'em. Maybe theys French, yeah.

In the end, white-ass Santa accepts Rudolph cause Rudolph can make him phat money. Everyone gonna bitch about the Jews and' keep 'em outta work until a Jew come up wit' a way to make them a ton a' cash, yo. An' Hermes, he's okay cause he suddenly the only one capable a' dental care. Santa prolly settin' up a "don't ask don't tell" policy. And the Abominable Snowman ain't gonna trouble no one no more cause it be in chains an' had its spear taken away. Rankin and Bass are a couple a' racists.

So, another childhood memory is severely beatin' by unnerstandin' the truth and bein' able to see past the sugar coated lies of the powers that be. Not that Rudolph was one a' my happier memories. One thing I rememberin' while watchin' this wit' Fat Sal: as a shortie, my moms had to turn the special off before the closing credits came on cause I used ta end up bawling, yeah. See, at the end, Hermes is in Santa's sleigh shovin' all the toys out as they fly over. He's givin' all the toys an umbrella ta use as a parachute. Then he gets to the misfit bird. He looks at it, looks at the umbrella, then shoves the bird out without the umbrella. I guess he's assumin' the bird is gonna fly down ta some kid. But it's the motherfuckin' misfit bird that can't fly. It swims. Fuckin' Hermes just kills the damn thing. Moms could never unnerstand what the problem was. But to me, it seemed like the most horrible thing in all the world. Now, I a think I know why: my subconscious was pickin' up on the racist propaganda an' the fact that Hermes buys inta it an' coupled wit' the hit on that there bird, it were too much for my shortie mind.

Don't e-mail me if ya'll gonna harp on the fact I cried as a kid or you'll be doin' a ton a' cryin' when ya come down my dark alley, yo. Peace ta the subjugated.

  -- That Cavortin' Bastard

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That Cavortin' Bastard 'n Crew