Rudolph the Hook
(Can't the powers
that be leave theys agendas outta kiddie shows?)
So, Fat Sal an'
me were hangin' out at the food court down at Eastmont Town Center
(that's in Oaktown, yo) cause Fat Sal got a mad jones for that
Pharaoh's pizza when we runs inta Cherokee Dan. He hangin' wit'
his chick and his shorties so I aks 'em if theys gonna be watchin'
Rudolph cause me and Fat Sal were gonna sit back wit' our forties
and crack up at it later. Cherokee Dan laughs an' says how he
ain't settin' his kids down in front of no white ass propaganda
bull like that. An his woman's all buggin' that they gotta get
on so he tells me an' Fat Sal to just watch it with an open mind,
yo. See what they's really sayin' in that show.
So me an' Fat Sal
sit back an' fuck me in my dark alley if Dan weren't dead on
again. An here be the lowdown on one 'a my used-ta-be favorite
out wit' a white-ass snow man tellin' us some supposed history.
Ain't that the way a' things. Fuckin' right up front, they's
got a white guy snowin' us with his version a' history. Fat Sal
stopped laughin' at me real quick. He a better white guy than
most I know an' we bot' respect Cherokee Dan an' his nose to
sniff out this type a' propaganda shit in the media.
So then, Rudolph
is born and his dad is all ashamed a' his red nose. All the other
reindeer callin' him names, that bastard Claus refusin' to even
consider Rudolph for the team. See, Rudolph was a Jew. The hook
nose stereotype. The reindeer's parents wouldn't let theys does
date no Jew. "No daughter of mine will be seen with a red
nosed reindeer." Yeah, I'm hearin' yo speech -- let's
ostracize the friggin' Jew.
That bastard Claus
is hidelf the Racist Deluxe, yo. Just cause Rudolph bein' a Jew,
he ain't gonna give him no job. Santa representin' imperialist,
colonizin' England an' the elves are some Indians or Burmese
or whoever else they took over to 'civilize' and raped them a'
their resources. So Santa be frontin' as a good guy when he's
really an imperialist fuck forcing the elves to make caish for
him. And Mrs. Claus is all runnin' around worried about status
an' shit, tryin' to fatten Santa up so's all the natives recognize
how wealthy they is.
So Santa ends doin'
his thang, suppressin' the elvish culture an' theys fall right
to work for him. 'Cept one who don' quite fit in. He don' seem
to act like them otha elves. Don't seem to wanna do the same
things they do or be like them. That's cause Hermes is himdelf
a homo, yo. He gay. An' the other elves can't accept this an'
So Hermes and Rudolph
take off to find somewheres where they ain't gonna be hassled
all the time. They meet up wit' Yukon Cornelius, frontin' for
American Capitalism. He makin' him a slew a' Dead Prezes on the
backs of the lower classes and minorities (they rep'd by his
team a' dogs pullin' his sled which are all different breeds).
He belly achin' about silver and gold, silver and gold, got ta
get me all kinds of motherfuckin' silver an' gold, yo. Bein'
America, he lets the Jew and Homo in. Mainly cause theys all
white an' he needs some help if'n he ain't gonna be killed by
the wild Abominable Snowman.
Now the Abominable
Snowman. -- it the BLACK MAN yo! Brotha be himdelf a wild terror
a' the jungle (or the Arctic, if that's where your story's taken'
place). The American even calls it by his own slang term, the
"bumble." Read nigger, yo. I wanted a' whoop
that Cornelius's ass back to the silver mine, yeah. So theys
end up bein' chased by the Abominable Snowman when Cornelius
reveals the wild animals one weakness: it sinks. Sorry old stereotype
a' blacks 'n water. And what happens at the end a' this thing?
Cornelius cons Rudolph and Hermes inta believin' this snowman
is the vilest thing 'round. They team up to destroy it and remove
its teeth so it suddenly becomes harmless. They tame the "beast."
Then Cornelius puts it on a fuckin' chain and forces it to stick
the star on the tree. American fuckin' slavery.
the way theys end up on an island of misfit toys but Fat Sal
an' I could only figure they represented retards or somethin'.
Specially since they wanted Santa to accept 'em. Maybe theys
In the end, white-ass
Santa accepts Rudolph cause Rudolph can make him phat money.
Everyone gonna bitch about the Jews and' keep 'em outta work
until a Jew come up wit' a way to make them a ton a' cash, yo.
An' Hermes, he's okay cause he suddenly the only one capable
a' dental care. Santa prolly settin' up a "don't ask don't
tell" policy. And the Abominable Snowman ain't gonna trouble
no one no more cause it be in chains an' had its spear taken
away. Rankin and Bass are a couple a' racists.
So, another childhood
memory is severely beatin' by unnerstandin' the truth and bein'
able to see past the sugar coated lies of the powers that be.
Not that Rudolph was one a' my happier memories. One thing I
rememberin' while watchin' this wit' Fat Sal: as a shortie, my
moms had to turn the special off before the closing credits came
on cause I used ta end up bawling, yeah. See, at the end, Hermes
is in Santa's sleigh shovin' all the toys out as they fly over.
He's givin' all the toys an umbrella ta use as a parachute. Then
he gets to the misfit bird. He looks at it, looks at the umbrella,
then shoves the bird out without the umbrella. I guess he's assumin'
the bird is gonna fly down ta some kid. But it's the motherfuckin'
misfit bird that can't fly. It swims. Fuckin' Hermes just kills
the damn thing. Moms could never unnerstand what the problem
was. But to me, it seemed like the most horrible thing in all
the world. Now, I a think I know why: my subconscious was pickin'
up on the racist propaganda an' the fact that Hermes buys inta
it an' coupled wit' the hit on that there bird, it were too much
for my shortie mind.
Don't e-mail me
if ya'll gonna harp on the fact I cried as a kid or you'll be
doin' a ton a' cryin' when ya come down my dark alley, yo. Peace
ta the subjugated.
That Cavortin' Bastard