""Fred, Can We Talk?" Jesus






Pregnant Jesus



"You Rode Me HARD Last Night" Jesus



"Just Say No to Sex With Bitches" Jesus



"Boys, Can You Help Me Find My Puppy?" Jesus



"I Met the KKK and They Didn't Care for My Pretty Looks" Jesus


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An' y'all can guess what happen next -- we was handed a beatin' I'll be damned if'n I ever forget it. Weren't the worst I had -- leas' I din't have to break me offa piece a my ass -- but me an' Del lucky we's alive, the way they roll us, yo.

That bein' a few years ago, That Cavortin' Bastard had himdelf the time to think shit out:

An' scope alotta crap:

An' the pile I'm a seein', Whitey, is somethin' like this: Del was talkin' the Truth.

He ain't talkin' Lord Jesus himdelf -- he ain't even talkin about that "love thy brother" line.

Del was talkin' 'bout how y'all picture Cracka Jesus, yo. How you draw 'im. How you portray 'im.

An' they ain' no doubt 'bouts it -- Cracka Jesus is a playa a the flesh flute.

Cuz, he is doe-eyed, yo. He always has them feminine lips puffin' out. He gots himself a waist like all y'all bootyless Spook fems. Cuz he always chuckin' some guy under his chin like he gonna kiss the fool.

Cuz y'all drewed 'im up that way, Whitey.

A brotha? A brotha draw up the Lord Jesus Christ, and you get yodelf a man. A strong man. A man who'll kick yo ass if you don' do the right thang, yo. Scope it for yodelf...


Our Jesus ain' no made-up ho, yo. Our Jesus ain' about to cry, yeah. Our Jesus ain' about to swallow down no dawg. An' our Jesus ain' cuddly-like with no sheep or goats.

Cuz we kept our Jesus real. He ain't plastered on no vases an' etchin's an' drawin's an' paintin's an' whatever else an' artist wanna sell you cuz he knows you's buyin'. Damn artists, they makes versions a Jesus to sell ya -- Serious Jesus, Happy Jesus, Damnation Jesus, Boxin' Jesus...

A Brotha or Sista gots, at most, one picture a Jesus in our homes, an' it's serious shit.

Whitey? Whitey plasters Cracka Jesus all over the place. Glass collectibles, billboards, t-shirts -- wherever y'all can see an' show off yo latest Jesus acquisitions, yo.

An' the artists, shit, the artists only knowed that Jesus be a) lovin', b) forgivin' an' c) WHITE. With only them three criteria, no wonder most times a Cracka Jesus comes out, it a pic of a fine bitch with a beard. Or just some silly bastard, yeah.

You think if Whitey Jesus was wanderin' around the Midwest or Deep South he wouldn't get whacked again? Think again, yo. Mr. Yahoo an' Mr. Redneck would lift Jesus higher than any cross could with a down-home lynchin'.

Not that that would happen, dough. Nah, Jesus would get lynched, yeah, but not cuz he Cracka Jesus. Nah, he'd get jacked cuz Jesus be black, yo.

Peace to all y'all,

  -- That Cavortin' Bastard

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Copyright © 2001
That Cavortin' Bastard 'n Crew.
Backs covered by No Apologies! Press, a buncha white grapes.