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"I meant to toss the cat onto the sofa... Instead, to my own disbelief, she -- HEE HEE -- went through it."

That Bastard Sez:
"See his shirt, yo? Whitey did pay... if Whitey be a kitty by name ofBebe."





















"Some people are just born bad, yo."

That Bastard Sez:
"Especially white devils -- cause they's DEVILS."





















Don't expect to be forgiven; expect revenge instead."

That Bastard Sez:
"Especially when you killz yaself a pussy. A WHITE pussy at that. Sheeit..."





















"I can only hope that God has mercy on him and that he will be able to sleep at night with his conscious."

That Bastard Sez:
"AHHH! Damn missionary's gonna put the religifying smackdown on the dirt peoples wit Snoop Dogg, yo!"




















"Dude, stop laying your honkey-ass guilt trip on WHAT THE MMM! MM! MMMMPH! MOH MY MOD!"

That Bastard Sez:
"You done walked down my dark alley, and you never did fax me that check. NOW TAKE IT BEEATCH!"

Tuesday, February 2, 2000

Damn Bitches Got Themselfs in a Broohaha Like a Couple o' BooBoo Heads Fightin' Over THAT CAVORTIN' BASTARDS' Bozack

(You know it ain't no lie, cause I got both Deevine an' Lateesha givin' up the natty. S'up!)


Ch'all must think That Cavortin' Bastard a couch-fuckin' telezombie, watching Channel White the way I'm on about TV and all.

Truth is, I hates the devil box. Hates it! Cause it's all about Whitey, yo.

Yeah, once in a while a new playa comes 'round and tries to be Network Nigga to gets it some kinda numbers, but then -- as inevitably as the Pale Plague diseasin' the world with its guns and religion and shit -- them networks are all about the cracka cleavage and leavin' the brothas stranded in stereotyped boogeyman shit.

Whitey: "Black folk? Yeah, I saw some them on some show once. They was rapin' and killin' white pussy. Good show, too, cause that just shows y'all what them fellas is all 'bout."

'Member when FOX was about the Wayans? WB tried the same thang before gettin' Buffy and Dawson on their scopes. Now UPN should be (are they? Dunno.) all about the black -- but they's got White Men in Space and White Men Grappling Each Other Like Lovas. UPN ain't EVER gonna get anywhere, with "Wrastlin'," "Star Trek," and "Shasta McNasty" leadin' the way. Sheeeit.

Fuck the networks furilla. Fuck yo television.

None of the above has nothin' to do about my crackdown on some girlz who be fightin like bitches do,'cept to show that the devil's box is more than just TV, y'all -- the devil's gotten on the Internet, floodin' it with Honkey Tales of Injustice and Wrong!

Next thing ya know, it's gonna be all 'bout Brothas rapin' and killin' white pussy.

Like this one:


Two Ex-Girlfriends and a Dead Cat, Yo

"I wuv you Bebe..."
James and Bebe the White Pussy that Srini Snuffed


S'all started when Srini Khumar killed himself a kitty belongin' to one James Squeaky, his roommate and business partner at He threw the kitten through a glass window y'all.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS YOU SMOKIN'?! You done throwed WHITE PUSSY through a window! You ain't no brotha, but you ain't no lily neither!

'Sides, that's messed up, yo. Just a kitty cat an all.

Srini an James once worked together, so y'all knows they was tight. Maybe too tight, ya know what I'm sayin'? Yeah, ya know.

James have himself a righteous beef against the dude, but man, he goes on an on an ON, buggin about the damn cat in his online journal. The dude done took down the page (despite his "What I do is not secret"), but lucky for ya'll That Cavortin Bastard saved it. Here the highlights and shit:


"In the past, Srini has let Bebe sleep in his room and so she had gotten used to it. Suddenly, for some reason, he didn't want her in there anymore so he started closing his door so she couldn't get in. Bebe liked it in there... so she would scratch and meow at his door.... I told him that he'd have to just ignore her for a night or two and she'd get the clue.... Unfortunately, he'd always give in and let her in and so she never learned otherwise.

"That night... she was meowing in the living room, but I was so fast asleep I didn't hear anything until I was awoken to the sound of shattering glass.

"...I saw Srini at the living room window and I asked 'What happened?'

"Srini looked sort of startled and said that the kitten had fallen through the window."


Yeah, not likely, nucka.

James sent the journal entry to all the souls on Srini's mailing list, so o' course Srini got himself a shitload o' hatemail. I sent me one too, cause that's just the judgin' hate machine I trip to, yo:


Shit, you threw a fucking cat through a window? Fuckin' cowardly, pullin' that crap. You best not come down my dark alley here in Oaktown, cuz I'll give ya something to be cowardly about!

That Cavortin' Bastard


Dude sends me a LONG ASS FORM LETTER (not longer than the journal entry, dough) tellin' me and the rest of the bangers the "real story" which don't only address cat shit, but EVERYTHING ELSE GOING ON IN HIS LIFE. Highlights, yo:


"The way James portrayed me in his email was as a lying, vicious kittenkiller, and a rotten business partner to boot....

"Yes, the cat died, and it was ultimately by my hand. if only I had been more careful, more gentle with her. i am so sorry, bebe, and i am sorry to you, james, as well.... james is trying to make me look like a murderer (we'll get to why in a minute) - but my god, it's not as if i did some kind of victory dance after the cat was injured!!!! his depiction of me is untrue.

"i meant to toss the cat onto the sofa that sits right in front of the window. instead, to my own disbelief, she went through it (it was only about 1/4" thick, so it didn't take much). i didn't even know what happened until i felt the breeze from outside! *i* screamed out (that's what woke james up), *i* looked up the vet, rushed the cat to the vet with James, and ultimately paid nearly $1500 in vet bills to help the cat come back to health....


Srini then tries to shift blame on ta the cracka who's pussy he killed, while paintin' himself a saint:


"So then, a week later, James -- instead of caring for the cat -- went to Boulder to visit with his girlfriend. the cat was left with James' friend Dave, who was supposed to administer medicine to her wound. whether he did that or not, is anyone's guess.... of course, when james came home to find the cat dead, he was devastated.... instead of letting me console him, he rekindled his hatred for me.

"...his girlfriend came out to visit, and I respected his wishes to avoid them.... one day in early January, I knocked on his door to let them borrow my car and I see a U-Haul out in the driveway. Along with his own stuff, he stole (i'm sure he'd say "scammed") a computer... a brand-new still-in-its-box scanner, and a laserprinter....

"even though he quit that day, he has been trying to shake me down for money I don't even have -- he wanted me to pay him several thousand dollars in order to get my files back. i have this documented in the form of an email he sent last week. And, in probably his most sickening gesture, he cashed for himself a $2300 goodbye check without asking me, citing moving expenses and back taxes (i'm serious, this is true!!!).... Finally, he left to portland without having paid the two months of rent he owed for staying here. Of course, he neglected to check whether there was that much money in the bank account -- there wasn't, the check bounced.... Apparently, if James can't be a part of Unamerican, I believe it is his will to destroy it.

"....the lesson I learned here is that if you commit a wrong, even if it is an accident, don't expect to be forgiven; expect revenge instead. "


So I write back ta James, right?


"Yo cracka, I dug your journal entry and I was pissed-off that that Srini dude fucked up your cat, so I sent him a note that read:

"'Shit, you threw a fucking cat through a window? [y'all read this already...]'

"Dude sends me a LONG ASS note explainin' his side -- and says you stole money and computer equipment when you moved out of your rent-free house. Dis true?

"That Cavortin' Bastard."

Yeah, rollin' on... James says:


"No, it's not true. Srini lied about a good deal of things and bended the truth to make me look really bad.


Big stuff to chew on, this ain't, so That Cavortin' Bastard wanders over to Srini and axe:


"Yo, man, I axe James if it were true about stealing computer shit and trying to cash checks. He sez:

"'No, it's not true. Srini lied about a good deal of things and bended the truth to make me look really bad.

"You lying?"


Srini speechifies:


"i have the cancelled check here. you got a fax number?

"about the computer stuff, how could i lie about that? it wasn't here th day he left. i've got receipts for the scanner, and the computer he probably took because he felt he had a right to it. but thanks for letting me know that james' campaign of disinformation continues unabated.

"dude, i'm exhausted. sorry if this sounds a little defensive, but really, i am not lying. if james counters with "yes he is", what can i do? but thanks for being critical, that don't bother me none.



That Cavortin' Bastard forgot to save himself the response, but I did give him a fax number. He never did give up the cancelled check. At the time, dough, I thought he'd show up with the goods, so I sez to James:


Srini sends me much material to chew on. You gimme a blanket statement saying he's not telling the truth. Can't help but think that Srini's one up on yo, man.

Gimme somethin' ta chew on.


James must be runnin' for gov'nor or some shit, cause he's tryin' to be all neutral and shit, Cracka-style:

This is not a contest. You can believe me if you like or you can believe Srini. The material that Srini sent you is the same thing he sent to the entire list, shall I just send you the email I sent out again?

James Squeaky- Cheap Visionary


Without the check comin' in, and me knowin' that he who pleads innocent the loudest (and longest) generally be the bitch, I was gonna be satisfied with my initial hate judgement 'gainst Srini, cause he almost done caused another Whitey riot against the brothas, even though no brotha is to be found in the case (The Man never did need much provokin' to put the wood on the African). And asides that, he killed a kitty-cat.

But then -- which really does suck nowadays, ever since Wired bought it -- weighs in. If the text is unavailable, then check it here, peeps.

Me bein' That Cavortin' Bastard, I forwards Suck's thang on to the girlz. Srini first:


"SHEEIT, man! These sucksters're layin' on the 2x4 pretty harsh on ya hide. Still, been awhile since I's cared a fart about 'em, with their dummin' comics that mean nothin' and their nonopinions. Not like before the original lambasters sold out the site for just few thou to some freakin' inc., yo. Sheeit."


Srini basks in the limelight:


yeah, my photo on the top of Suck, yeow. i am, like, so FAMOUS now.

this is all so surreal... what next? CNN?



Yeah, that'd be good fo keepin' the low down, man. Sent it to James too:


"Suck's on ya side, yo! I dunno if that's good -- been a long ass time since was any good, with all their notfunny fuckall comics and nonopinions -- meanin' they ain't concerned about what they's sayin' so much as HOW they says it. Damn crackas."


James, politico-style:

"It doesn't seem so much that suck is supporting me as they are attacking Srini. Pretty vicious. I do have respect for suck, though. They got a nice operation going. Honestly, I'm just at the point where I want to get on with my life.

Suck running a schmoove operation? This error had to be rectified, yo, so I answers:


"Dunno if ya checked them out a few years back, but they were fly once. They had them opinions and expressed them, but there'd be some real thinkin' involved, some real arguments, yo. Then they'all went and sold out ta Wired... ugh. Not schmoove. Now it.s a bunch of glitz an' shit.

"It's like ya sez, it's a vicious attack on Srini. Now I ain't oppossed to a beat-down, but suck is still gliddin' on its ol' rep of bein' smart and mean, when they's just mean now, y'know?"


At which point, James can't contain his excitement no more:

"I'm really curious-who are you?


To which I can only sez nothin' more than:


-- That Cavortin' Bastard

BTW -- Though I ain't a fan of the girly spat crap they's throwin', Squeaky's and Srini's sites are still better than crap like this or this (dough I don't see why "fun with a purpose" is somethin' to brag about, or why Srini writes on and on an ON with his propagandizng. )

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Copyright © 2000 No Apologies Press! for That Cavorting Bastard 'n crew