Srini Kills Kitty, He's Born Bad a missive by James (unabridged text follows)
Soundtrack Moby (Play), Trans Am, The Minders, The Sub Debs, Dr. Doom, The Replikants.
Lesson of the day- Some people are just born bad.
(this was actually sent as an email to some of my friends)
The last few days have been very dramatic and I have spent a good deal of time very upset, scared, and confused as to what I want to do next. A drastic change has to take place and I have to figure out what I want that to be.
It started out on Thursday Morning. Srini and I got back from Seattle very late the night before (around 3 or 4) and we pretty much went straight to bed. I was so excited to be able to sleep in my own bed and not have to share a room with someone after a week of being on the road and I went right into a deep sleep.
My kitten, Bebe (Weapons of Mass Destruction) gets really out of sorts when I leave town for a week and so she was sort of freaking out about us being back. I let her in my room for awhile, but since I'm allergic to her, I can't do that for too long without paying for it the next day.
In the past, Srini has let Bebe sleep in his room and so she had gotten used to it. Suddenly, for some reason, he didn't want her in there anymore so he started closing his door so she couldn't get in. Bebe liked it in there (because Srini has an electric blanket that he leaves on 24/7 and she really likes being around people) so she would scratch and meow at his door. He was upset that she was scratching at the carpet and I told him that he'd have to just ignore her for a night or two and she'd get the clue and leave him alone. Unfortunately, he'd always give in and let her in and so she never learned otherwise.
That night, after I put Bebe outside my room, she was meowing in the living room, but I was so fast asleep I didn't hear anything until I was awoken to the sound of shattering glass.
It not being the first time in my life that I was awoken to the sound of shattering glass, I knew something was amiss and popped right out of my bed and in to the living room. I saw Srini at the living room window and I asked "What happened?"
Srini looked sort of startled and said that the kitten had fallen through the window.
Of course, since it is a small window that doesn't even open, that statement didn't even register as I yelled "Did you throw my kitten through the window?" and he nodded or said yes.
I heard Bebe crying but I was still half asleep and confused and it didn't sink in yet that she was outside the house and I went into my room and slammed the door shut and started punching the door jam-probably 15 times, hurting my hand a great deal and splintering all up the wood and plaster and screaming "I can't fucking believe you threw my cat through the window."
Srini stood outside my door trying to make up some excuse about her meowing too much and bothering him and I was so enraged that he would try to actually justify his actions and opened my door to find him standing right there. If this would have been a couple of years ago, I probably would have swung at him, but I try very hard to be nonviolent. I warned him that he needed to get away from me or I would hit him and he said something to the effect that I should hit him and this made me even more angry and actually made me not hit him because it seemed to be what he wanted. I realized how deep-seated his psychosis really is.
I was screaming at Srini as loud as I could and then it registered that I needed to make sure the kitten was OK and either told Srini to go get her or he just went (I don't remember which) and he carried her up to the door and I took her from him. She was all muddy and crying and I held her in my room and after a second it occured to me that she was covered with blood.
Her front right arm was cut really deep-I could see the bone through the wound-I grabbed a sock and tied it around her arm to try and stop the bleeding and made Srini take me to the Animal Hospital. I didn't talk to him the whole way and wished that I had had my own car so I wouldn't have had to even be around him. Srini had called ahead to the pet hospital and told them that we were bringing her in and had lied that she had fallen out the window.
In the vet's office, I was alone with the vet and Bebe and wished that I would have told the truth about what happened, but I lied and also said that she had fallen out a cracked window and don't think they really bought it, but they didn't ask too many more questions.
Perhaps if I would have been honest, I could have had Srini arrested. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Generally, I feel it's important that people try to settle their differences without authority, but when you have something like this-where people are crazy enough to do something as cruel to a small animal as Srini had done, perhaps they deserve and should be in trouble with the authorities. I'm not sure if Srini would learn from it, though. What's the worst they could have done to him-a large fine? What would that do to a person who claims that they purposely got a DUI for the experience of it? What would that do to a person who thinks so little of money? The fine would have just been a minor annoyance and been over with. Course, maybe it would have forced them to put Srini under psychiatric care, which is what he really needs. He's just gone too far now.
The vet was very nice and made me feel somewhat at ease and took Bebe to be x-rayed and evaluated. She left me alone in this room and I started to cry. I am the type of person who helps spiders get outside if they are stuck in my room. I'm a vegetarian, not because I enjoy having a really annoying diet or because it's better for my health, but because the idea of people slaughtering animals for my consumption makes me very sad. I'm not vegan and I know I end up buying and using products that harm animals, but I'm working hard towards living cruelty-free as much as possible.
I've had Bebe since about 5 weeks after she was born (for about 15 months now) and she's so little and sweet, I'm sure she wouldn't have survived if I hadn't taken her and given her a lot of love. I have like 150 photos that I've taken of her and she's definitely one of my best friends in the world. We even have conversations and understand each other and get along very well. She's the friendliest kitten I've ever had and makes friends with everyone who comes around and isn't afraid of anyone. Always very curious and pretty well behaved. She was litter-box-trained the first day I had her. She learned landlord etiquette very quickly (stay out of the front window sill), doesn't jump on things, doesn't try to run outside....
I'm still having a hard time with how someone could consider hurting something as small, and weak, and innocent of evil as a little kitten. I've been annoyed at Bebe and have even gone so far as to lock her in a back room to keep her out of my hair. Srini could have put her in the bathroom or even put her in my room-but instead he attempted to kill her. And in a lot of ways, I feel like it was as much as an attack on me as it was on Bebe. I'm not sure why Srini would want to attack me after I've run his business for the last 2 plus years while he fucked around and did very little while I worked 60-80 hour weeks just to keep money coming in and orders going out to people.
Perhaps he's upset because I am not the friend that he always wanted. I like Srini, but as a friend he's pretty much an asshole. He does nice things for me, and then does something totally fucked up and then thinks he can apologize and have things go back to being good again. I've put up with a whole lot of shit from him and have forgiven him every time. Even when he does try to make up for something he's done, he doesn't usually take responsibility for it-blaming the way he treated me when he was with his fiancé on her because he didn't have "the strength to stand up to her" I don't know how much of that is true, and it doesn't really matter-what matters is whenever he does something shitty, he blames it on exterior forces controlling his movements.
In the last month, with moving in and all the traveling we've done together, it's obvious that Srini had high expectations that him and I would become close friends. I would have been happy with that, but really don't care either way. I love Unamerican and that's what is central to me. The way he acted around the people we hung out with in North Carolina made me very embarrassed-so much so that I was afraid to hook up with anyone in the Pac. Northwest that I knew because I didn't want to have to subject them to Srini. (I did visit Neil, and happily, Srini just sat on his couch and played with Luke's guitar the whole time) I've observed how he acts around other people and am surprised that he has any friends at all. Srini on a few occasions tried to make comparisons between him and my best friend Dave, trying to believe that he was just as a good friend to me as Dave. He was hurt when he asked me if he was as good as a house-mate as Dave was and if traveling with him was as fun as Dave and I was honest with him. Traveling with Dave was one of the best four days of my life and mostly just because Dave and I were hanging out without any worries or stress. Dave is so easy and honest and if he's being a jerk, it's usually because I've done or said something fucked up and not because it's the way he is. Compared to Dave, I'm a surly old curmudgeon.
I wonder how all of the people who email Srini via the site and say "Oh I love you and I love unamerican and you're so great, blah, blah, blah" would think if they knew what he is like in person. Such a spoiled brat and pig who just tears down or destroys anything that gets in his way or tries to help him. Caught up in this weird fantasy world where he thinks that he is some sort of Christ figure that was sent to this planet to lead people towards a revolution. Someone who is so busy trying to martyrize himself, that he doesn't even know what it's like to care about someone or even knows what he really want out of a "revolution", so long as it means a lot of money and attention for him. He's managed to create a cool, moneymaking, inspiring project, but can't even do the minimum to upkeep or update it.
It makes me sad when these people email or write letters. Sad, mostly because I'm afraid they'd be disappointed, but mostly sad that people put so much faith into someone or something that they don't even know.
No one can own these ideas-they exist regardless, always have and always will. Fortunately, some people are blessed with a gift of being able to express these ideas, whether it be through speech, writing, music, or other art. There are three types of people in the world-those who watch, those who inspire, and those who do (course, there's some overlap). The thing is that some people who have a gift in one area of their life, don't have it in all. Like a good friend of ours once said, "Srini is a smart guy, but he sure lacks in people-skills"
And so perhaps it was obvious to Srini that him getting famous is much less important to me then my desire to help people find some meaning in their lives. Perhaps he saw that to me, his and I's friendship is a distant second to the business and ideas. I don't work with him because he's pleasant to be around, but because I think he has a lot of good things that come out of his mouth or keyboard. He's designed a business that really makes sense and excites me and that's why, much to the dismay of my loved ones, who see my unhappy all the time, I push on regardless.
I could never deny the benefits. All the amazing people I've met and have had contact with, the contacts, not having to go to a stupid job and more recently, being able to travel and go take part in the anti-WTO demonstration. At times, Srini and I have been friends, but usually it's just fleeting, until he is confident that I am his friend and he can act like an asshole again because I will forgive him.
Back to the vet-I sat in that back room, crying and trying to figure out what I should do now. I thought maybe I wasn't supposed to be hanging out in the room, but then I got a little happier, when the resident cat of the clinic-this big orange cat named Sydney, pushed open the door and looked in at me. I think I knew Bebe would be OK from something in Sydney's eyes and then the vet took me out to the lobby to explain what it would cost.
Srini was sitting in the lobby and I was so angry and sad that I couldn't even look at him. The vet showed me the bill and it was around $525. I thought maybe something inside Srini would move him to offer to pay for it (especially because he has access to lots of money and knows I have very little and it was his fault that I was paying a month's rent to get my kitten's leg stitched up) but Srini made no motion.
We drove home in silence. (I had to leave Bebe at the hospital). We came home and I made a couple of phone calls-happily got a hold of my best friend, Dave who agreed to meet me later (he's always there for me when I'm sad). I grabbed the new issue of Punk Planet and went for a walk to get some food and read a little and thought about what I wanted to do about this whole thing.
When I got home, Srini was working in the office on his emails and I tried my best to ignore him and start going through all the emails I had gotten (remember, we had just gotten back from a week-long vacation)-I had like 600 emails to answer and a good two-dozen phone calls to make, and attempted to do so with Srini there. He had already made arrangements to have the window fixed, but probably only because he's scared to death of the landlord.
After the glass people left, he went in his room and came out a while later about to leave. At that point, he actually tried to make a joke about what had happened, saying that "it was sort of like Fight Club". I was very angry and asked "What was?" and he said "The cat going through the window" and I just told him to go away and turned away from him.
I'm not sure what he possibly could have meant. I don't remember anyone trying to kill any animals in Fight Club. In fact, I was a little disappointed that they never did some sort of ALF type of action and freed some animals from a lab-it would have seemed appropriate in the movie during the whole Project Mayhem section.
Later, I found out that Srini had been telling a bunch of people about what had happened and was telling them that the "devil made him do it" and that he had no control over his hands. What an asshole that he couldn't even take responsibility for what he had done. Probably my biggest pet-peeve is when people try to blame fate or their environment for their actions. These things can play a factor, for sure-but claiming you have no control is just a cop-out and in a way means that there's no real hope or even reason to live or exist.
I talked to a lot of my friends and they all had different things to say. Many couldn't believe that I hadn't hurt Srini after he had done it and one was very adamant about the fact that it wasn't too late to do so. My dad suggested I go and destroy his car-but I needed it to go to the pet hospital, so that didn't seem appropriate (besides, it's his parent's car and I know that his mom has never even eaten an animal in her entire life).
I really don't want to deal with situations, even very bad situations with violence. Perhaps I'm being stupid or naive. Perhaps what Srini has done warrants violence. The problem is that I don't think Srini would learn from violence. Stupid people learn from violence. Srini isn't stupid-if I want to hurt him back, it's got to be slow and meticulous and total or it isn't effective. I'm hoping that losing me as a friend as well as me telling all of his other "friends" about what has happened is enough to at least cause a lot of hurt. Perhaps if these other friends of his, who must have experienced some of the same annoying things about Srini that I have know what a monstrous thing he has done, they will be nervous about hanging out with him. Right now, I don't think he deserves any friends.
So, obviously, I am not interested in living with Srini anymore and if I didn't have so much that I am doing in this next month (going to CO for a week, bringing Danielle back for 2.5 weeks) I'd pack up and leave right now. It's bad timing though and so just isn't appropriate and so won't happen until late January at the earliest.
The biggest dilemma is over Unamerican. I have worked so hard to make Unamerican what it is and really don't think it would be fair if I had to leave it. It's just as much my project and a whole lot more of my sweat and time and so I have a right to it, for sure. I also don't mind working with Srini as a business partner. I think we can be cordial to each other and someday I will even forgive him for what he has done because that is just how I am.
I was planning on moving to Olympia in June or July, but after being up there last week, I am super-excited about getting up there for good. With or without a car, I'll somehow manage to get around.
It's not like I need to be in the Bay Area to do what I do for Unamerican. Hell, I could be in Antarctica if I had an internet connection and still do what I do. The only problem is checking the PO Box-but that seems pretty easy to get that changed to a box in Oly. I very much want to continue to do Unamerican, I just don't want to have to live with or be expected to be friends with Srini.
So, that happened Thursday morning and it is now Saturday night. I still haven't talked to Srini other than a couple of sentences and a note when I took his car to the vet. (Which, he actually called me at the vet's office to tell me when he needed his car back, which seemed really inappropriate)
I don't mean to use this journal as a space to talk shit about other people-but since this is more about me than Srini, I feel comfortable with it. Besides, I really have an intention of letting people know about what happened because I think it's important and appropriate.
I've lived 23 years now-a lot of that time was in some very difficult situations. Abusive step-parents, alcoholic mother, school-yard bullies, weird ups and downs. I had some people in my life who have gone way out of their way to be really mean to me. I've watched men beat up my mother (and incidentally my step-father threw her through a window when I was 11 or 12), I've taken a lot of abuse, but never have I been so hurt by someone as Srini has made a game of.
Hurting an animal or a child is nothing that you can ever really apologize for or make right. Eventually, you can learn to live with what you've done and perhaps you can help a lot of other children or animals to make up for it but there's never any excuse that can justify what you've done and I know that Srini already has because I've talked to people he's talked to and he sticks to his "devil made me do it" story.
Until Srini admits that what he did was wrong and that HE did it and not the devil or whatever. Until he gets psychiatric care, Until he pays for Bebe's bills out of his own pocket and helps me and her get to a new home away from him, I will not forgive what he has done. I can only hope that God has mercy on him and that he will be able to sleep at night with his conscious-which I don't envy.
So, I know I need to talk to him and explain all these things to him. I think I'm almost at the point where I'm not angry enough to be rational and non-violent. I will probably do this within a couple of days. Right now, all I have to do is take a look at Bebe's shaved and stitched up arm and watch her hobble around to get angry all over again. At least, it seems that she's going to be fine. I haven't let her out of my sight since she came home from the hospital and have kept her in my room. I have cancelled all my plans and have been staying home with her. I know eventually I'll have to go somewhere and I am very afraid to leave her home alone with Srini. Dave is trying to find a foster home for her and hopefully someone will take him until I move to Oly (I'll bring her with me).
My allergies have started to kick in and now I feel physically sick as well from sharing a room with Bebe for the last three days.
As always, I'm confident that everything will work out in the long run. But for now, things look a little fucked.