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Y'all can thank them ass-white editors at No Apologies! Press for the following.


Excerpted from

* * *

The Masters SPEEK!


We've asked the ultemate masters of The Game for there wise advece on bombing the hell out of enemy planets!!! Excluseve!!!!


Gerald Patterson,
Pizza Delevery Technecian,
Pax Imperia Master III

Myself, being a Pax Imperia Master Level 3, ALWAYS emploi the "Two Ship, One Planet" tactec, as developed by gretest player in the game Grand Master Aeges, becase two is always better than one, but theres no need too use more than too. That's just a *ridiculus* weste of resorces.


Funland Gackstetter,
Professioal Studant,
Pax Imperia Master II

Some peeple say that my "Thre Ship, One Planet Tactic" is wrong -- why waste THRE ships when TO can do the job? And yet, I mest have my reesons for developing my tatec musn't I? But, I won't reveel my reesons because of strategic reesons.


Igor Ramanov,
Corporal, Russian Army
Pax Imperia Master I

War is war, nyet? My "Give Them Red Hell" tactec makes enemy think once about fighting me! i Don ot care what you Yanky pig think my tactec -- I win! WIN!

Thursday, February 24, 2000

Nothin' Sadder than a White Boy Playin' Video Games, Yo

(What else can ya say?)


Nothin' sadder than a white boy playin' games on the devil box, yo.

Walked in on one them fat white crackas editors --

[Hey, that ain't nice... "brother." -- Editor]

-- at No Apologies! Press, and a course he was zonin' in front of his Mac, yo, playing himself a game.

"Now what's this zip-zappin' about, yo?" says I.

"Uhm... well..." (why you Swayzes always startin' off sentences with "uhm... well..."?)

"Uhm... well... it's a game?"

"What you take me fo'? A dumb ass-scratchin' ape? I KNOW IT A GAME, CRACKA. What's the game ABOUT?"

"Uhm... well... you go have a galactic empire, build ships, explore, colonize and kill aliens?"

"You axin' me?"

"Uhm... well... no?"

(Now y'all see why we brothas don' talk to your pale asses. I'd rather have my ass whipped by LA 'r NYPD than sit through your rap. Problem is, whiteys think they has to walk on eggshells an' landminds around us cuz they's afraid they's gonna offend us with something 'r 'nother. Like they's suddenly gonna slip and say, "Shit, you done that? That's just like you watermellon-eatin', lice-pickin' monkey niggas, swinging through the trees of deepest, blackest Africa, yawp-yawping like -- oh, uhm.... Hey man? How's it going, dude? Uhm, yo?")

Sheeit. Damn crackas. Y'all need to relax around us brothas. Make me all nervous with your race guilt (not that you ain't guilty, cuz you is, but keep it to yourdelf, yeah).

So the boy from No Apologies! was playin' himself a game on his iDevil Box, sucked into it like a boo boo head starin' off inta space waitin' on her next john to give her the cash so she's could get her some mo' crack.

I says, "Get off that 'puter an' show me what this shit's all about."

Scared of the ebony, he get off. The game? PAX IMPERIA: EMINENT DOMAIN. Now ain't that just typical? Whoa!

Damn, if I thought these honkies was sad before, it damn near broke my heart checkin' this game out. There you is, an "emperor," invadin', bombin', and spreadin' out like the Pale Plague. An' the shit gets sicker, yo, cuz you can build yourdelf bigger an' better bombs to kill more and more innocent peoples in the white man's quest to build him an empire.

You know no brotha programmed him this game. If a brotha built a game, it'd be about getting the natty, yo, scorin' the chickees, know what I'm sayin'?

An the only weapon y'all would have yourdelfs be a big-ass Shaka Zulu spear, or a rata-tat-tattin' AK-47. Y'all need to learn the street, or the desert, an' play the downlow, rather than makin' youdelf a scene with nukes an' Star Wars fantasies. An in this game, yo, you ain't takin' over nobody's planet, peeps, no -- ou's collectin' the natty, sellin' the crack, an' not getting whipped by no PD.

When you do get yo ass whipped by the PD, or a gang of white dudes comes and plays Nazi on your ass (they'd have to be at least five strong, cuz otherwise they's just scared of ya), or some other brotha be slappin' the skin with your natty, then you lose points, yo.

THAT'd be a good game.

But there ain't nobody makin' games for brothas. Not since "Lounge Lizard Larry," yo -- need me some poontang in my games, hear?


-- That Cavortin' Bastard

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Copyright © 2000 No Apologies Press! for That Cavorting Bastard 'n crew